Buffalo BEAST - Buffalo's New Best Fiend
 

May 31 - June 13, 2002
Issue #1

  ..Buffalo's Best Fiend
   
Mayor to Star in Ganster Drama!
Masiello Rolls Out Red Carpet for The BEAST
Matt Taibbi

Adelphia Trading Cards
Collect them all!

BEAST Calling...
Adelphia Colletions, vol. 1
The Truth About our Intentions
Dispelling the Ugly Rumors
Hackworld
Prize Snooze

Matt Taibbi

ArtVoice Death Toll at 7

BEAST Physics Tips
Pressure & County Executive Joel Giambra

Say NO 2 Creed
Emergency Helpline

5-Day Misogyny Forecast

BEAST Public Service Announcement
What if you find Anthrax in your album collection?
Breathe on us, oh God!
Book Review
by John Dolan
SPORTS DESK
The Blotter
Sports Crimewatch
Matt Taibbi
Wide Right
Bills Outlook
James R Miller
Bledsoe v. Johnson
Andrew, that is...
[sic] - Letters

 

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Bledsoe vs. Johnson

According to FCC statistics, approximately 4,386 hours have already been spent on talk radio in Buffalo in the month since The Trade debating this city's new Eternal Question - who's Better, Drew or Rob? The FCC also reports that not a single new point has been made since the 411th hour of the debate. From where we stand, it seems like the hometown crowd is failing to grasp the real issues... Maybe the reason we're all at an impasse is that we've got the wrong Johnson. So the BEAST decided to ask: how does the Patriot Missile stack up against the star-crossed 17th President?

Drew Bledsoe Andrew Johnson

DREW

ANDREW

  • Benched by New England
  • Impeached by Northern Republicans
  • A "class act" whose teammates just didn't respond to him
  • Considered an "honest and honorable man" who lacked political savvy
  • Self-described "trailer trash"
  • Grew up in a shack in North Carolina
  • Drop-back passer with great arm
  • Jacksonian Democrat with alcoholism problem
  • Fit, sober and professional for speech at Buffalo welcoming rally
  • Stone drunk and completely incoherent for Vice-Presidential inaugural address in 1864
  • Set single-game records for attempts and completions by going 45-70 in 26-20 win over Minnesota in 1994
  • Sponsored the Homestead Act as a Senator; privately hated black people
  • No. 1 overall pick in 1993 draft; passed for seven straight 3,000-yard seasons
  • Notorious for wandering the White House drunk, crashing into busts and portraits
  • After trade to Bills, took out ads in Boston papers thanking New England fans for their support
  • Lived out his days racked with guilt over the fact that he had secretly desired Lincoln's death; privately thought Lincoln was overrated
  • Happily married to charming wife Maura, with whom he held hands throughout first visit to Buffalo
  • Impotent in marriage and reportedly vomited on wedding night; known for leering at children of both sexes from Oval Office window
  • Led Patriots to victory in 2002 AFC championship game with inspiring off-the-bench performance against Steelers
  • Presided over the restoration; shortly before death, went insane and began eating own feces
  • Had a cameo in "Jerry Maguire"
  • Corpse had an erection; was our "most maligned president"
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