MEAN SWEEP
While Allentown geared up for its street festival, police held their own block party on the lower West Side
Matt Taibbi

Looking Back on the Cheney Presidency
A BEAST Editorial

BARNES BALD SPOT THREATENS CITY
SCIENTISTS EXPRESS CONCERN
Jose, Interrupted
Where in the world is Jose Padilla?

Matt Taibbi
The Official BEAST Naked Appeal for Tobacco Advertising Page!
Books that was in 'Nam
Book Reviews by
John Dolan
A BEAST BY ANY OTHER NAME
Saying Hi to ArtVoice
 
Corporate Fanmail
Page 3
 
SPORTS DESK:
Muckdogs Baseball
Wide Right
Bills Football & other dismal failures
 
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Corporate Fanmail
CORPORATE FANMAIL
Blood is Bountiful

The responses to our corporate fan letters keep pouring in. As the Fourth of July weekend approached, it seemed like there was plenty of love to go around on all sides:

Bounty

Dear Bounty© people,
Thank you ever so much for making such wonderful paper towels for my domestic use. Over the past 18 months, I have used your magnificent products to sop up everything from orange juice to blood to turpentine and have found that THERE REALLY IS NO CLEANUP JOB THAT IT TOO TOUGH FOR BOUNTY©! It really is the Quicker Picker-Upper! Keep up the good work.

Sincerely,
Kevin McElwee
Buffalo, NY

P.S. Please pass these comments on to the people directly responsible for designing Bounty© paper towels and continuing to ensure that no finer product is available anywhere. Their important work should not go unrecognized. Were it possible, I should like to shake their hands and say, "Well done," but for now, these somewhat impersonal electronic words shall have to do.

From: bounty.im@pg.com
Thanks for your nice comments about Bounty, Kevin! We love to hear from our loyal Bounty fans, and I'm sharing your compliments with the rest of the Bounty Team.

I'm sure it'll make their day!

USA Bounty Team

 

Haagen-Dazs

Dear Haagen-Dazs,
A lot of people are confused about what your name means, but not me! I know it means just one thing-- GREAT ICE CREAM!!!

I have been out of jail now for thirteen months and am doing great. Thanks to Haagen-Dazs ice-cream, I know: I WILL NEVER HARM A CHILD AGAIN!!!

Thanks again for making a great product, and don't ever be ashamed of your wonderful SCANDINAVIAN HERITAGE!

Sincerely,
Matt Taibbi
Buffalo, NY

Dear Mr. Taibbi,
Thank you for taking the time to contact us about Haeagen-Dazs(R) Ice Cream. We appreciate your kind and thoughtful comments.

At Nestle, we are dedicated to you and your family throughout every phase of your lives. Your feedback is valuable to us, as it helps us to improve our products and services.

With more than a century of experience making the food your family loves, we are committed to providing you with products that live up to your high standards for taste, quality, nutrition and enjoyment - in short, "the very best."

Thank you again for your feedback. We appreciate your loyalty to our products and hope to exceed your expectations in the future.

Sincerely,
Maryanne Makowski
Consumer Response Representative

 

Regal

Dear Regal Cinemas!
You make the best moviehouses, and you always show the really good movies too. I love when my mommy takes me. The seats are so comfortable I want to live there. (The poor grades are for when you were out of Jujyfruits!)

Kevin, age 12

[Note: The Regal Cinemas online comment card included 20 separate categories (broken down into four separate subcategories) to be judged on a 4-rating scale from "excellent" to "poor." Our 12-year-old Kevin rated all of the them "excellent," except for two "poor" marks on "Selection of Concessions" and "Availability of Product" under "FOOD SERVICE." Actual comments, however, were restricted to a maximum of just 255 characters. The online comments form for AMC Theatres, meanwhile, asked for a 5-point rating of 13 separate categories and offered no space for individual comments at all.]

Dear Mr. McElwee:
We have received your comments regarding your visit to our Elmwood Regal Center 16 location. I have forwarded your comments to the district manager for his review with and congratulations to the theatre manager.

On behalf of Regal Entertainment Group, I would like to thank you for taking the time to let us know of your pleasant visit to our theatre. It is always a pleasure to hear from happy customers. I am sure the staff at our Elmwood Regal Center 16 will be happy to receive a copy of your comments.

Once again, I thank you for your time and consideration. We value your patronage and look forward to your next visit.

Sincerely,
Clint Roberts
Customer Relations Associate

 

Arm & Hammer

Dear Arm and Hammer,
I'm a loyal customer who's writing to tell you that you have the coolest logo in the world!!! It's like an arm with a hammer in it!

I use your baking soda for a variety of purposes, both hygienic and culinary! I use it to make my teeth whiter, and I even use it to make a GLISTENING WHITE CAKE FROSTING!!!

Sometimes I get so happy, I just want to turn over a box of Arm and Hammer Baking Soda onto my head!

Thanks for everything!

Sincerely,
Matt Taibbi

[Eds. note: Arm and Hammer did not send a written reply, but did send us a coupon for a free box of Baking Soda product--perhaps to turn over onto our heads. See illustration...]

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