INFLAMED CARROT
Dear
[sic], Ah, people! I can't take it... I only read your wonderful
2nd issue (so so sad I didn't catch the first), and its worse
than my caffeine and nicotine addictions combined!! Is this
what it feels like to have serious drug withdrawal? I'll never
start drugs, I swear! Just get your next paper out before
I die from BEAST withdrawal!!
Aaahh! *screams and rolls around on the floor, pulling at
hair*
FlareCarrot
Dear
Carrot,
Settle down, Beavis. And please do find yourself some drugs.
And once you do, call us. We're fresh out.
SHOO, POLISH
Dear
Matt,
When you grow up and realize how really fucking irritating
it is not to be able to have a grill in your backyard because
they are repeatedly stolen, or a fan in your window because
they have to be locked at all times— then maybe you
be able to write a more truthful and realistic article describing
the actual motivation behind operation "clean sweep". To present
it as some sort of government-police sponsored anti-Hispanic
campaign was extremely irreponsibly trite. This was simply
a respone to some of the madness permeating the neighborhood,
and making it an increasingly difficult place to live. I would
venture to guess that after your home was burglarized, and
your spouses car was stolen, and your guests were harassed
by drug dealers that you might just see things a little differently.
These are very serious and basic quality of life issues that
need to be addressed, because they negatively impact on "all"
people. The city has a responsibility to attempt to improve
the neighborhood, and probably has much more support then
you would believe. As a resident of the area I would never
support the type of commando action you described in your
article. I would hope in the future you would save such histrionic
writing for things that actually happenend. If some of the
residents of the neighborhood perceive a clamp down on crime
as a negative, culturally biased event, this might very well
be part of the problem.
David Zawistowski
Westside
Buffalo-NY
Dear
David,
Hmm... We thought "Clean Sweep"
WASN'T a clampdown on crime. At least that's what the city
told us. Seems to us that we were writing a "truthful and
realistic" article describing the motivations behind Clean
Sweep. Even according to you, we were. They said it was "community
outreach." We said they were lying, and that it was really
an anti-crime operation. Apparently, you agree. We just disagree
over whether or not that kind of operation is right. If you
think that it's okay for the cops to go door-to-door fishing
for evidence, well... good luck when Poles who can't spell
become their next flavor of the month.
JUST SEND MONEY
Mr.
Fallon et al,
Sincere congratulations on and thanks for your refreshing
publication! I love your style, and if you like, i would like
to contribute articles to your paper.
First i need to know the conditions of contributions, i.e.,
what do you pay, if anything? Tonight i went to see "MacBeth"
at Delaware Park, and sketched out the following draft for
an article which is (it will readily be seen) in an Onionesque
style, and certainly along the lines of what i have read in
the Beast.
I live in Buffalo, have a B.A. in English from Buff State,
yada yada yada... im drunk now, and was also drunk when i
wrote the following, but would have no trouble bringing the
following haphazard sketch to completion in my sobriety if
you were interested. In any event, best of luck to you in
the expedition of your fiendish agenda.
Sincerely,
Dennis Reed Jr.
Dear
Beast Readers,
Once again: the Onion, where you want to be directing these
submissions, is about 400 miles to the southeast of here.
It's on Eighth avenue downtown somewhere. You can find the
building pretty easily. Just look for a bunch of parked BMWs
with bumper stickers that read, "Honk if you think I was funny
a few years ago." If you want to contribute to the BEAST,
please send us booze or money.
[SIC] ON THIS
Dear
"[sic]", God, do you guys suck. When I first saw your paper
here I thought it was a joke, put out by some local politicians,
or maybe some professors, and I thought it was funny. But
then, after a couple of issues, I looked into it and found
out that it was true, that you guys really had a paper in
Russia, and then moved here. Now, it doesn't seem funny anymore
at all, just sad. Obviously you had your run at the big time
and missed out, and now you're coming here and trying to convince
all of us, and yourselves too, that this is a step up, the
logical "next step" of a stratospheric career path. But the
truth is that you're just a couple of impotent twats trying
to eke out the last bit of juice from a career that, but for
an insane historical accident that opened the door for you
to exist in Russia for a few years, should never have gotten
started to begin with. You'll probably just pick on me for
being a fat pig like everyone else is in Buffalo, but I'd
rather pack a few extra pounds than be a washed-up third rate
carpetbagger with no ads and no readers.
Sincerely,
Tom J.
Dear
Tom,
Lose some fucking weight, you fat pig! Har har har!
CUTE N' CHRISTIAN
Dear
[sic],
Well, I finally got around to reading John Dolan's book review
on Praying
for America in your first issue. In general I agree with
most of what Dolan has to say about the conservative Christian
movement in the U.S. However, I have a real problem with the
fact that he continually uses the term "Christianity" to denote
this, unfortunately not that small, segment of the entire
Christian population. Admittedly, Sheets's use of the term
"the Church in America" is misleading. There is no homogenous
Christian Church in the U.S. If this were the only source
of information Dolan had ever received about Christianity
in his life, I could understand his mistake. I don't think
he's that badly educated, though. My favorite quote from the
article is "This sort of paranoiac drama gives you a sense
of why Christianity appeals to so many lonely Americans. Unlike
the Catholicism I knew, this religion makes the worshippers
the center of the universe." I shouldn't have to tell you
this, but Catholics are Christians too. I know, it's a pretty
complicated idea to grasp. My basic point is that there are
plenty of intelligent open-minded Christians out there, who
really hate being grouped with the morons Sheets represents.
Other than that, I love your paper. I only read the Artvoice
when I have nothing better to do, but for you guys I actually
turned off the TV. Well, ok no I didn't, but I didn't pay
as much attention to it as I usually do.
Sincerely, Sarah Knepp
Dear
Sarah,
Right, but what are you wearing?
[SIC]-NORANT
What
does [sic] mean? Its the heading of the letters to the editor
section and it is sometimes used as a verb in the responses.
J. Cougar Melancamp
Lakawana, NY
Dear
J. Cougar,
[sic] is Latin for "Throbbing, uncircumcised man-shaft." It
is a tool (!) used by editors when they want to indicate a
place in a piece of text where the writer should originally
have included a throbbing, uncircumcised man-shaft. Its presence
in the final, edited text demonstrates to the reader that
the absence of said man-shaft is not the editor's [sic] fault.
Thank you [sic] [sic] for asking.
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