Fantasy Land
In Coudersport, PA (Adelphia HQ), real life tangled with unreal ambition
Matt Taibbi

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Professors to Avoid
The BEAST Guide
Berkeley Bustard, Afghan Sucker
A rare, awful war memoir
John Dolan
EDITORIAL: You Pitch the Tent, I'll Start the Fire
Riot Season is Almost Over
Dead Kids are Alright

Matt Taibbi
Forgery Detection, vol.2
How to spot still more BEAST-authored letters to Artvoice
Iraq or Arachnophobia?
A side-by-side matchup
Velma's Nekkid City
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NFL Pre-Season Overview
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ub_logo.jpgAs home of the over-packed lecture hall, the absentee professor and overworked TAs the University at Buffalo has been slowly disposing of its nutty professors, in trade for Division I athletics and strip-mall housing. Despite this fact, UB's Academic Eccentrics still exist in all their "intellectual" glory. Below is a list of some of the school's most talked about chalk fondlers.

Michael Alvard, Anthropology

"He told us everyday that free will did not exist and that everything was pre-determined by our genes." said one student. "His TA thought he was God, but pretty much everyone else hated him... One time this born-again Christain kid freaked out on him, turned beet red and started screaming that he had free will. Alvard just looked at him like 'Your genes are fucked.'"

Robert Bertholf, Comp Lit

"An 80-year-old paranoid, military nut," who never turns his back to the class. "He thinks German infantry units are waiting just beyond the exit door or something." said one student. While too forgetful to have full-blown flashbacks, he has been known to curse ad nauseum while striking a large map with a wooden pointer. "It's like being taught social studies by Colonel Klink."

Alan Speigel, English

In addition to having an unnatural fetish for William Faulkner, Alan Speigel wears sunglasses in the classroom. He also acts like he can't hear when his students ask him questions. Is Professor Speigel too cool for school, or does he simply have cataracts and damaged ear drums? You decide.

James Holstun, English

An academic hard-ass, who has a full-blown aneurysm if you're late. His legion of Elizabethan/Jacobian Lit. Groupies openly kiss his ass and fill class time with inane theories on topics such as Marlowe's eating habits and what an author meant by NOT writing about something. Be prepared to over-analyze every last word, and to eventually accept how wrong you are.

Stefan Fleisher, Cinema

Despite having taught cinema for over three years, Stefan Fleisher can not operate a DVD player. "I don't know what his problem is, but ever day there's about 5-10 minutes of him yelling at the thing." says one student "It's not like we change classrooms or equipment. Maybe he has some sort of magnetic field that screws with the electronics or something. But judging by his clothing (two button-down shirts under a fisherman's vest), I'd say the problem is mental."

Brian Henderson, Media Studies

Some say he's brilliant. Others think he'd have a tough time teaching a monkey to throw feces. But if your idea of a good time is waking up at 8 a.m. to watch Battleship Potemkin, and listen to a guy uh talk about it uh like uh this, then Film History with Henderson is for you.

Charles Bernstein, English

An accomplished poet and "complete fucking asshole," Charles Bernstein has been described "as a genius with great ideas and no room for yours." Other observations on the man range from Mick Jagger comparisons, to describing him as a lich (an undead demon-king, who gets magical powers from his tomb), both of which aren't really all that different. One student adds, "Free thought is sacrificed in his class, but you are challenged to find comfort in madness. I've nicknamed him 'the asshole.'"

BSC-Logo.jpgBuffalo State itself has a fair share of crazies--it's next door to the Richardson Complex, for chrissake! But keep in mind that we here at the Beast don't hold any grudges against either college staff--all professors are hand-picked by the students themselves (and a small sampling of them, at that; the football team couldn't remember any of their professors' names). That said, if you are registered for any of these professor's classes, drop them... and drop them soon.

William Siener, History

One of those teachers whose all-too-high respect for students should disqualify his teaching of all but the youngest age groups--this guy would be a perfect elementary school teacher. His main passion seems to be the class discussion, which he will try in vain to initiate. You will find yourself sitting in silence for lengths of five to ten minutes, as he stares at each and every one of you, waiting for that perfect, insightful comment that he just knows is floating around your head. It's not. One student said he shrugs his shoulders constantly as if to say, "Come on guys, help me out."

Glenice Guthrie, Anthropology

If you prefer inane and pointless conversation to that overrated "learning" fad, then Glenice Guthrie's the prof for you. Not only does she switch the topic of discussion faster than a coked-up manic-depressive, but she will preface every tangent by saying, "FYI, guys," only to go off about, "her cats and gas prices," as one student put it. She also sucks, calf-like, on the water bottle she keeps eternally by her side.

Simeon Chilungu, Anthropology

This asshole assigns ten-page, single-spaced papers, only to ignore them after you slave away in your room instead of going to that kicking frat party. He will also try to scare you off in the first weeks of classes, apparently to "make sure he has less work," but given his inclination to assign crippling papers, this may be a good thing. One student said, "he talks like a voodoo witch doctor."

Barry Yavener, Design

Avoid this guy like the plague. He was accused, not too long ago, of (a) charging his students for the wood used to build their class projects and then (b) selling those projects for his own profit. Apparently he also gave poor grades to those same students, despite the fact that he was making money off of their work. When one student approached him about these allegations, he was quoted by the campus newspaper "The Record" as responding,"Go fuck off."

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