Fantasy Land
In Coudersport, PA (Adelphia HQ), real life tangled with unreal ambition
Matt Taibbi

The BEAST Humor Academy Entrance Exam
Are you qualified? Find out!

Professors to Avoid
The BEAST Guide
Berkeley Bustard, Afghan Sucker
A rare, awful war memoir
John Dolan
EDITORIAL: You Pitch the Tent, I'll Start the Fire
Riot Season is Almost Over
Hackworld
Dead Kids are Alright

Matt Taibbi
Forgery Detection, vol.2
How to spot still more BEAST-authored letters to Artvoice
Iraq or Arachnophobia?
A side-by-side matchup
Velma's Nekkid City
Look who's coming to dinner
Page 3 Porn Store Clerk!
 
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NFL Pre-Season Overview
Bills Diary
Muckdogs Baseball
 
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Last Issue: (5)

BEAST PAGE 3 PORN STORE CLERK

pg3clerk.jpgName:   Abner Moria

Age:   41

Turn-ons:   Benedictine Monk chants, rubber hot pants, grainy video, Sally Jesse Raphael.

Turn-offs:   See-thru bags, condoms, broken promises, my father

How I became the BEAST Page 3 Porn Store Clerk:   This guy comes in. As usual I avoid eye contact. But he goes straight to the counter and whips out a Beast. I'm like, wow! He wants to know if he can leave a bunch of 'em by the door. I look through the thing and see our best customer prominently displayed in the paper. So, I'm like "Sure, Tom will get a kick out of seeing his face in here. I mean he's always getting picked up in the store by men anyway." Anyhow I notice The Beast guy just standing there. Finally I go, "What do you need?" He says something about senior citizens. I show him the section. He buys like ten tapes, and tells me about page three.

Future plans:   I still gotta inflate the new dolls for the window display, clean the screens in the video booth, and finish disposing of mother.

How I want to be remembered:   Well hopefully I won't always be labeled as the Page 3 Porn Store Clerk. I'll probably be remembered for the time I was caught looking into the girls shower room through a peephole with all my friends. Wait, that was in Porky's.

 
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