Fantasy Land
In Coudersport, PA (Adelphia HQ), real life tangled with unreal ambition
Matt Taibbi

The BEAST Humor Academy Entrance Exam
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Professors to Avoid
The BEAST Guide
Berkeley Bustard, Afghan Sucker
A rare, awful war memoir
John Dolan
EDITORIAL: You Pitch the Tent, I'll Start the Fire
Riot Season is Almost Over
Dead Kids are Alright

Matt Taibbi
Forgery Detection, vol.2
How to spot still more BEAST-authored letters to Artvoice
Iraq or Arachnophobia?
A side-by-side matchup
Velma's Nekkid City
Look who's coming to dinner
Page 3 Porn Store Clerk!
NFL Pre-Season Overview
Bills Diary
Muckdogs Baseball
 Cover Page

Last Issue: (5)


pg3clerk.jpgName:   Abner Moria

Age:   41

Turn-ons:   Benedictine Monk chants, rubber hot pants, grainy video, Sally Jesse Raphael.

Turn-offs:   See-thru bags, condoms, broken promises, my father

How I became the BEAST Page 3 Porn Store Clerk:   This guy comes in. As usual I avoid eye contact. But he goes straight to the counter and whips out a Beast. I'm like, wow! He wants to know if he can leave a bunch of 'em by the door. I look through the thing and see our best customer prominently displayed in the paper. So, I'm like "Sure, Tom will get a kick out of seeing his face in here. I mean he's always getting picked up in the store by men anyway." Anyhow I notice The Beast guy just standing there. Finally I go, "What do you need?" He says something about senior citizens. I show him the section. He buys like ten tapes, and tells me about page three.

Future plans:   I still gotta inflate the new dolls for the window display, clean the screens in the video booth, and finish disposing of mother.

How I want to be remembered:   Well hopefully I won't always be labeled as the Page 3 Porn Store Clerk. I'll probably be remembered for the time I was caught looking into the girls shower room through a peephole with all my friends. Wait, that was in Porky's.

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