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Last Issue: (6)

WE'RE TERRIBLY SORRY

Dear Buffalo Beast,
You have made a mistake. Robert Bertholf is the Curator of The Poetry/Rare Books Collection, not a member of the Comp Lit Department. He does not teach, and has no real knowledge of German military units.

Robert J Bertholf

Dear Robert,
Correction noted. We checked back with our sources, who apologized for the mix-up, while noting that the descriptions of you offered by students-- that you are a "galactic asshole" with an "ego the size of Nebraska" who is roundly thought of as "the single most intellectually overmatched person in Erie County" and even "an egregious waste of plasma"-- must also have been colored by subjective considerations. The BEAST apologizes for the misunderstanding.

 

LOVES THEM

Dear [sic],
Have you taken you're proclivities to the east side? Laced dime-bags are always available.

Barron Von Munchousen

Dear Barron,
We haven't been to the East Side, but we have checked out Marineland. We love those Belugas! Have you seen those things? They're amazing!

 

FREAK

Dear Matt,
Unlike the publisher of artvoice and those that refused to print your news paper or should I say toilet paper - I am a minister and someone put your trash paper on my doorsteps.. I want to assure you that I am offended by your publication - Freedom of the press does not give you the right to use the Lords name in vein - nor does it give you the right to use the "four letter" words you choose to use. I see that you have an ad in your paper for the civil liberty's union - not very surprising!!! Are they representing you??? I am not sure about all the laws regarding your so called freedom of press - but I am sure that many of your advertisers would think twice if they knew who they were advertising with! Just remember - you claim to be atheistic! well - there is no such thing - just those that choose to deny the realism of Jesus - that is your choice - however wrong I may believe it to be - but - know this - if you are not serving God you serve the devil - Please take the time to read a book called the Bible - in fact - just take the book of revelation and read that one... and see what happens to the beast!!!!! " and the beast was cast into the bottomless pit." We will be praying for you. And I hope that you will at the very least refrain from using God's name in vein! Have a nice time in buffalo!!!

Sincerely,
The Christian Thrift Shop

Dear Thrift Shop,
The story about Artvoice publisher Jamie Moses and the presses that refused to print us came in issue #2 of the BEAST. Our reference to being atheists came in the first issue, i.e. issue #1. The NYCLU ad (incidentally, it's the "Civil Liberties Union," not "Civil Liberty's Union") was in the last issue, issue #6. For someone so mortally offended on behalf of Jesus, you're sure reading the BEAST a lot. By the way, the first Amendment does give us the right to use the Lord's name in vain. Without any legal ramifications, for instance, we can say something like, "If God were here right now, we'd drop a Cleveland Steamer on his chest." Or we could say, "Jesus Christ! Did you see the camel-toe on that chick!" We can even take the Lord's name and repeat it over and over in a nonsensical sequence of obscenities, i.e. "Jesus Cunnilingus Jesus Cunnilingus Jesus Big Gooey Blowjob Jesus Cunnilingus," etc. Not that we'd WANT to do anything like that, but the law says pretty clearly that we can. It's all part of living in the free and just society that is this great United States of ours. Comprenez?

 

QUESTION

Dear BEAST twats,
If you guys are so smart, explain to me why I keep shoving dried peas up my ass.

Sincerely,
Dom

Dear Dom,
That's easy. Because you haven't had any cooked ones handy. Nice letter. Come by our offices any time to pick up your free BEAST bumper magnet.

 

NO, NOT QUITE

Dear [sic],
Your holier-than-thou attitude is beginning to drive me absolutely up the wall. You guys act like you're so smart and you think that just because Artvoice publishes your letters that somehow you're better than they are. Well, you're not. All it proves is that you're the only guys in town low enough to send fake letters around. If there was someone else like the BEAST out there, you might end up being the victim and then how funny would it be. Grow up you assholes. You're not as funny as you think.

Karen

p.s. I bet you're checking right now to see if maybe Artvoice wrote this letter.

Dear Karen,
No, we're pretty sure this is a real letter. It has no spelling mistakes.

 

[sic] OF VELMA

Dear Velma Stark,
Haven't you ever taken a college writing course? Your column is pure trash. Why they allow such garbage to be printed is my question? This Velma person must have been divorced at least once. What guy would put up with someone who has the manners of a pig. That's what I have heard over and over, about your column in Buffalo Beast. Try and write something interesting will you.

Dear You,
We feel very fortunate to have Ms. Stark on our staff. She exemplifies two qualities far beyond your reach in the prose form: thought and expression. It is, in your defense, not unusual for a person of your apparent limited and repressed social exposure to feel intimidated by an uninhibited woman.

 

US

[Editor's note: As would be expected, the BEAST has been receiving a number of anonymous and occasionally threatening messages on our company answering machine. Most we just delete, but this one was funny enough that we felt we had to share it with our readers. Here it is:]

As funny as it may seem, you guys spend so much time bashing other establishment, what you're doing is burning your bridge with possible advertisement. We were actually thinking of going with some magazines and now we're going to go with Artvoice, and one other one, the Buffalo Beat. You guys are contradicting your whole purpose for being in business, which is to sell advertising. You talk shit about people with reputable names in the city, and the only thing you're going to do is burn all your bridges along the way. A word of advice: you guys should probably consult somebody who actually knows what they're doing in business, and that might lead to some success. Other than that, I guarantee your failure within one year. Goodbye.

Dear Anonymous Caller,
You're probably right: we could probably learn a lot about the advertising business from someone who is considering placing an ad in a nonexistent newspaper. The Buffalo Beat has been out of business for over a year, and its successor, Blue Dog, went out of business this past winter.

 
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