WE'RE
TERRIBLY SORRY
Dear
Buffalo Beast,
You have made a mistake. Robert Bertholf is the Curator of
The Poetry/Rare Books Collection, not a member
of the Comp Lit Department. He does not teach, and has
no real knowledge of German military units.
Robert
J Bertholf
Dear
Robert,
Correction noted. We checked back with our sources, who apologized
for the mix-up, while noting that the descriptions of you
offered by students-- that you are a "galactic asshole" with
an "ego the size of Nebraska" who is roundly thought of as
"the single most intellectually overmatched person in Erie
County" and even "an egregious waste of plasma"-- must also
have been colored by subjective considerations. The BEAST
apologizes for the misunderstanding.
LOVES
THEM
Dear
[sic],
Have you taken you're proclivities to the east side? Laced
dime-bags are always available.
Barron
Von Munchousen
Dear
Barron,
We haven't been to the East Side, but we have checked out
Marineland. We love those Belugas! Have you seen those things?
They're amazing!
FREAK
Dear
Matt,
Unlike the publisher of artvoice and those that refused to
print your news paper or should I say toilet paper - I am
a minister and someone put your trash paper on my doorsteps..
I want to assure you that I am offended by your publication
- Freedom of the press does not give you the right to use
the Lords name in vein - nor does it give you the right to
use the "four letter" words you choose to use. I see that
you have an ad in your paper for the civil liberty's union
- not very surprising!!! Are they representing you??? I am
not sure about all the laws regarding your so called freedom
of press - but I am sure that many of your advertisers would
think twice if they knew who they were advertising with! Just
remember - you claim to be atheistic! well - there is no such
thing - just those that choose to deny the realism of Jesus
- that is your choice - however wrong I may believe it to
be - but - know this - if you are not serving God you serve
the devil - Please take the time to read a book called the
Bible - in fact - just take the book of revelation and read
that one... and see what happens to the beast!!!!! " and the
beast was cast into the bottomless pit." We will be praying
for you. And I hope that you will at the very least refrain
from using God's name in vein! Have a nice time in buffalo!!!
Sincerely,
The Christian Thrift Shop
Dear
Thrift Shop,
The story about Artvoice publisher Jamie Moses and the presses
that refused to print us came in issue
#2 of the BEAST. Our reference to being atheists came
in the first issue, i.e. issue
#1. The NYCLU ad (incidentally, it's the "Civil Liberties
Union," not "Civil Liberty's Union") was in the last issue,
issue #6.
For someone so mortally offended on behalf of Jesus, you're
sure reading the BEAST a lot. By the way, the first Amendment
does give us the right to use the Lord's name in vain. Without
any legal ramifications, for instance, we can say something
like, "If God were here right now, we'd drop a Cleveland Steamer
on his chest." Or we could say, "Jesus Christ! Did you see
the camel-toe on that chick!" We can even take the Lord's
name and repeat it over and over in a nonsensical sequence
of obscenities, i.e. "Jesus Cunnilingus Jesus Cunnilingus
Jesus Big Gooey Blowjob Jesus Cunnilingus," etc. Not that
we'd WANT to do anything like that, but the law says pretty
clearly that we can. It's all part of living in the free and
just society that is this great United States of ours. Comprenez?
QUESTION
Dear
BEAST twats,
If you guys are so smart, explain to me why I keep shoving
dried peas up my ass.
Sincerely,
Dom
Dear
Dom,
That's
easy. Because you haven't had any cooked ones handy. Nice
letter. Come by our offices any time to pick up your free
BEAST bumper magnet.
NO,
NOT QUITE
Dear
[sic],
Your holier-than-thou attitude is beginning to drive me absolutely
up the wall. You guys act like you're so smart and you think
that just because Artvoice publishes your letters that somehow
you're better than they are. Well, you're not. All it proves
is that you're the only guys in town low enough to send fake
letters around. If there was someone else like the BEAST out
there, you might end up being the victim and then how funny
would it be. Grow up you assholes. You're not as funny as
you think.
Karen
p.s.
I bet you're checking right now to see if maybe Artvoice wrote
this letter.
Dear
Karen,
No, we're pretty sure this is a real letter. It has no spelling
mistakes.
[sic]
OF VELMA
Dear
Velma Stark,
Haven't you ever taken a college writing course? Your column
is pure trash. Why they allow such garbage to be printed is
my question? This Velma person must have been divorced at
least once. What guy would put up with someone who has the
manners of a pig. That's what I have heard over and over,
about your column in Buffalo Beast. Try and write something
interesting will you.
Dear
You,
We feel very fortunate to have Ms. Stark on our staff. She
exemplifies two qualities far beyond your reach in the prose
form: thought and expression. It is, in your defense, not
unusual for a person of your apparent limited and repressed
social exposure to feel intimidated by an uninhibited woman.
US
[Editor's
note: As would be expected, the BEAST has been receiving a
number of anonymous and occasionally threatening messages
on our company answering machine. Most we just delete, but
this one was funny enough that we felt we had to share it
with our readers. Here it is:]
As
funny as it may seem, you guys spend so much time bashing
other establishment, what you're doing is burning your bridge
with possible advertisement. We were actually thinking of
going with some magazines and now we're going to go with Artvoice,
and one other one, the Buffalo Beat. You guys are contradicting
your whole purpose for being in business, which is to sell
advertising. You talk shit about people with reputable names
in the city, and the only thing you're going to do is burn
all your bridges along the way. A word of advice: you guys
should probably consult somebody who actually knows what they're
doing in business, and that might lead to some success. Other
than that, I guarantee your failure within one year. Goodbye.
Dear
Anonymous Caller,
You're probably right: we could probably learn a lot about
the advertising business from someone who is considering placing
an ad in a nonexistent newspaper. The Buffalo Beat has been
out of business for over a year, and its successor, Blue Dog,
went out of business this past winter.
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