(May 21 –June 20)
Hey. Didn’t see you there, Gemini. So, um, yeah, been kinda
cold, you know. Kind of unseasonable. Yeah…um, how, um how’s
things? Good. Good. Right. Right. Ok, then. Good to see you.
Oh. Yeah, about that. Um no, not right now, but I’ll get that
to…you…soon, right. OK. Good talk.
(June 21-July 22)
shit, man. I just ran into Gemini and it was soooo damn awkward.
You know, I hate when you bump into somebody you haven’t seen
in a while and there’s all this tension, for no reason. No.
I don’t owe Gemini money! Don’t interrupt – I’m trying to divine
your fate: smamalah, who-ha…I see you in the near future purchasing
a whole week’s worth of groceries and waiting in the express
lane like you’re not a cock hole.
(July 23-Aug. 22)
I’m late. You’ll never guess who I was just talking to! Yup,
you guessed it: Cancer. Sometimes I can’t believe what a dumb
ass Cancer is. She actually believes in astrology. Yeah I know:
how tacky. She’s probably still sitting there trying to absorb
the “cosmic messages” I sent her though the “ether.” But you,
Leo, you’re cool. Cool enough to know that I’m just trying to
fill copy. Are you hungry?
(Aug 23-Sept 22)
what’s going on? I’m still over at Leo’s and we were thinking
about getting a pizza, but then we just figured you could come
over and cook because you’re a punk-ass bitch, totally incapable
of saying no to people. So, see you soon? Great. Oh, by the
way: your parents will never be proud of you, because they’re
total assholes. Hurry and pick up beer.
(Sept 23 –Oct 22)
I’m not busy, what’s up? Cool. I’m chillin’ at Leo’s. Virgo
is coming over to cook for us. I feel sort of bad, but I figure
if we keep pushing him to do increasingly inconvenient, laborious
tasks for us, he’ll eventually snap and start doing for himself.
Yeah, a little classical conditioning, so to speak. What? God
no, that would work for you. All you need is a little love.
Too bad you’re so physically repellent.
(Oct 23-Nov 21)
Calm down. Calm down. Yeah I know: the end of a relationship
can be difficult, but this was two fucking years ago! Any way
he is so much older than you. It just doesn’t make any sense
why you continue to pine for this jag off. Actually, it makes
perfect sense: he spent the duration of your relationship trying
to get you to conform to his warped ideals of femininity, providing
you the opportunity to fill the void of older male expectation
your father left by not being around, or something. No the stars
didn’t tell me, Leo did. He’s a shrink. I’ll give you his card.
No, he’s not around. Ok. Talk to you later, I have to um, help
my mom vacuum. No, she’s not dead. No, I never said that. Gotta
(Nov 22 – Dec 21)
wish you had called sooner; I just endured the most torturous
conversation with Scorpio. Yeah; she’s super hot, but what are
you going to do? You can’t fight city hall, and by city hall,
I mean crazy bitches. Maybe you should lower your expectations
a little, eh? I hear Libra still likes you. Look: I’m going
to level with you here: you wouldn’t know what to do with a
woman that beautiful if you got one. If you did: it would end,
eventually, and you would spend the rest of your life weeping
in a corner somewhere. I’ll talk to you later, I‘ve gotta go
tell Capricorn the secrets of the universe, or whatever.
(Dec 22 – Jan 19)
(Jan 20-Feb 18)
know the opening music to “The Peoples Court,” Aquarius? You
know, “Dun-dun-dun! Dun-dun-deh-dun!” It comes on after Drew
Carey at 4am. That’s when you realize you’re a loser who stays
up all night watching TV, and you can’t even afford cable. Yeah,
so there’s that to chew on.
(Feb 19-March 20)
This is the plaintiff…
(March 21-April 19)
Dun-dun-deh-dun! Here in our forum…
(April 20-May 20)
Yeah, I’m sorry about that Taurus; I just trying to get that
little diddy stuck in your head. With that television jingle
comes great powah! Revisit the melody before and during sex,
and it will stave off premature ejaculation. Unless you start
thinking of Marilyn Milian, “the hottest judge on TV!”