Congratulations on the imminent 100th issue. But hey, it's
just a number, like the dead in Iraq, so you've gotta stay
the course. The Beast is making progress.
we’re making progress. But we can’t claim to be making dead-in-Iraq
progress—after all, that’s an awful lot of progress. We’re
just not that prolific.
WE HAVE TO?
done prank [“A
Prank of Two Cities,” issue #99]. Keep up the good work.
very clever how you managed to slip your website into your
up the good work? Geez, we’d really love to, you know? Thing
is, we’d much rather coast until next year’s “Loathsome” list.
Have you seen the “Loathsome” lists, Jonah? They’re brilliant.
what’s the deal, anyway: Does your whale have wireless?
That audio is hilarious. I have to say I think Brown knows
its a hoax after a certain point (though I have no idea why
he put his wife on, if it is his wife). Chiarelli, the Ottawa
mayor seems to have no clue and is dead serious. Even after
the call is over I bet he just had no idea.
you ingénue! Obviously you’ve never met or tried vainly to
prank the estimable Mayor of Ottawa, Bob Chiarelli. You really
don’t think he had any idea? Why, Robert, he was scamming
us the whole time. How do we know? Because he said so, that’s
how—an assertion so incontrovertible, it merited a credulous,
secondhand printing in the Ottawa Sun, Robert. The Ottawa
Sun. You think you know better than they do? Just because
you have ears and intuition? Don’t fret: there’s hope. We
were just like you once.
BECAUSE IT’S FALSE
this was an epic literary hoax or the real deal.
it was the latter? Oy gevalt.
stuff either way.
it was true.
good news, George, is that thanks to today’s vast and diverse
media landscape, you needn’t settle for unpleasant truths.
You read the story, but obviously its particular revelations
don’t suit you. Maybe you’re Canadian, or somehow related
to Bob Chiarelli. Maybe you’re a Fox News fan and are experiencing
some cognitive dissonance. That’s okay, we’re not judging.
No, we hear to tell that you’re in luck: there’s an Ottawa
paper just for you.
hate Canada. But fuck 'em, we won! That story was truly, truly
funny! Way to go!
afraid we’ve got some bad news: We didn’t win. For Christ’s
sake, don’t you read the Ottawa Sun? Oh, wait, did you mean
the Sabres? Get your priorities straight, Eric.
I hope someone tells him that the 9/11 attacks being an Inside
Job is "too preposterous , too outrageous , too incredible"
not to be true.
appreciate the thought, but really, the 9/11 conspiracy theories
are a hell of a lot more sensible than Easter. A nefarious,
deadly plot to frighten America into submission? Not hard
to believe at all, especially when you put it up against “guy
dies, is buried, comes back to life, flies away.”
GOOD AS AN OLD LADY FROM TEXAS
Tony Snow piece
writing -- quality and sharp teeth on a par with Molly Ivins.
Keep it up.
really not a fair comparison: we’re pretty sure Ivins is on
her third set of teeth.
you for publishing the letter
from Jamie Moses. I have been racking my brain trying
to figure out why a supposed proponent of the independent
Buffalo element would back the debacle that is the hotel on
Elmwood and Forest. Now I know Jamie Moses is really just
a self-aggrandizing asshole. Getting your name in print is
kind of incidental when you run a major alt-weekly in Buffalo
isn't it? Perhaps he's not trying hard enough.
I took a copy of the Beast with me to the laundromat last
week. I was enjoying Kit Smith's food
pyramid article when my thoughts were rudely violated
by a twenty-something on her cell-phone talking loudly in
a quasi-valley girl voice about her wedding flowers. My first
instinct was to inflict thousands of tiny paper cuts on her
hands with my cherished copy of the Beast so that she could
not hold her cell-phone, which of course would send her into
shock and subsequent death. I felt justified in this course
of action, as I would at the very least have done her fiance
a favor, but held back for the reason that I didn't want to
sully my Beast with her putrid blood. My question is: had
I committed this noble act for the sake of humanity, would
the darlings at the Beast comp me a new copy? Would I need
to send the bloody copy to you as proof?
closing, whoever does the paperwork for your subscriptions
needs to be spanked, as I haven't paid you yet. I'll be in
town in June and would be willing to administer punishment,
though I gather this might be something you take care of at
staff meetings. Nonetheless, if you need help let me know.
for all your sick little brains,
putting you in charge of the subscription paperwork. Now we
get to do the spanking! After that, our staff should be eager
to meet with you.
BEAST, Just to set the record straight. SLABOVA was STRAIGHT.
We were just close friends. I was never billed as a “gay
poet”, and we liked to surprise the audience. Allen role
modeled how not to be homophobic, and I was the prop that
recited funny poems about head, anal sex and unfortunate,
unappetizing incidents with K-Y jelly, as well as tragic
homo-love haiku, before HE went on to do his second set.
Once some guys in the audiences CHEERED the piece about
the tree with the hole in it. ! I’m still trying to figure
out what that was all about. I think they had been there and
done that. Although they probably saw themselves as studs.
Give ‘em enough java & alcohol & they woulda fucked
ripe cantaloupes. And the women laughed their assess off.
I think they could relate. Although I don’t know why; ‘cause
I’m convinced none of ‘em really like to give head. Even cowgirls.
Long after the show, we’d stay till closing, joking with
the volks: Allen was an Olympic class raconteur & had
YEARS of experience as a bubba. He would knock off a fifth
of scotch - or more - and everyone would get loose, if
they weren’t already upon our arrival….
blah blah, this guy goes on like this for 1,500 words…]
scary thing, however is that I think some of the hard cores,
left over from the late-boomer decade long ,‘68 to ‘78 ,
70’s PARTY, are more “left” than the kiddies with the cell
phones, high end sneakers, cliché tattoos & pierced tongues
( or dicks). HEY ENOUGH OF THOSE TEPID PUNK PIERCINGS, WHY
NOT AMPUTATE AN ARM for ART!!!!! The REAL masochistic affectation
!!: Talk about commitments: The surgery is NON-reversal &
ya can’t get your arm lasered back on. Anyway it wasn’t all
disco & John Travolta: IT was the Home BOTANISTS that
developed the strains that made the little 80’s goobers so
JADED about life.
never got a tattoo: Anyone who thinks they might have to go
underground to fight a fascisti government of bloated plutocrats
& HO elected officials doesn’t want distinguishing marks
on their body. DUH. No wonder all the Scandinavians think
we’re nuts. The kiddies are too busy burning illegal downloaded
music to keep the big picture in focus. Oh Yeah. That’s
why THE BEAST Rocks: That’s what you’re there fore. So
to speak. BIG PICTURES. & I don’t find the BEAST “evil”
I find it trenchant & un sports-opiated. Unlike the rest
of this city. This is Chick-Pea Van der Hash & Martin
Snedley channeling the spirit of Scarlett O’Hara signing
off. Have a good night ,because, “After all, tomorrow is
another day.” Say Hi to Kiki for me.
Gay Poet says “hi.”
ALL THIS THEN?
like yours give Brits hope. We, of course, also have our share
of toe-rags, charlatans, dickheads and loud-mouthed morons
in power but we like to think we know who they are. It is
comforting to know that there is such a handy guide available
for the American public on- line.
giving Brits hope? Egads! Thanks so much for alerting us to
this ghastly unintended consequence of our scabrous nihilism
and comic genius. We’re open-minded people who can accept
a lot of things, but giving Brits hope is certainly not one
of them. We have limits, man.
be a good chap, will you? Please, if there’s anything we can
do to put an immediate stop to this disturbing phenomenon,
let us know at once. Thanks again, Chris, really.
THE NSA INFORMANT
I loved the prank
phone calls and the quality was great... what kind of
equipment did you use? I have to do a number of interviews
in the upcoming months and want that kind of quality.
I've played around with doing sports and celebrity related
prank phone calls... what's the legality of this?
be much easier for us to discuss this over the phone. What’s
your number? Better give us your work phone, too…
FLASH: MORON HATES LIBERALS
WE NEED TO BE A WORLD POWER
all boils down to, that the United States can't be an isolationist
country, and that the world does need us. Do the liberals
really count of the U.N., E.U. France, Germany,
Russia, to do anything
to help the world? Hell no!
all the countries and people who hate the USA, they'd be in
a much more miserable world without us. The liberal Democrats
who want to us put our tails between our legs and run away
from a band of low life Muslim zealot losers who can only
mount attacks by using suicide car bombs and IED's are pathetic.
military is the best in the world and will be for a very,
very long time to come. Wars start because of the need for
natural resources, and power and control. Some wars are because
of ethic and religious grounds. The idea of going into Iraq
was a tough one, but it was the right one. Mistakes were made,
but that happens in wartime. This is bigger than just Iraq
and the whole Middle East, this war will decide what the world
will be like in the future. Will terrorists run rampant and
free to kill and maim without any response? Will the US and
other countries be held hostage by oil being controlled by
sick and tired of the left wing liberals attacking what we
are trying to accomplish here, because of their own political
agenda. The liberals don't have a plan for anything, unless
you count complete surrender of our country to the terrorists.
“the idea of going into Iraq was a tough one?” You really
agonized over it, did you? Well, let us commend you, James,
on your resolve. We really thought “Operation Surrender to
the Terrorists” had a nice ring to it.
hear you about the liberal agenda, though: freedom has become
mostly a burden. It takes us 45 minutes just to pick out cereal
at the market. We eagerly await the day when it’s simply a
choice between Freedom O’s and Islamofascist Muesli. We know
what we’ll be choosing.
just took a wicked dump. My third of the day, actually, and
its not even lunch time. What the fuck? I`m shitting out more
than I`m taking in. Where is all this shit coming from? Am
I excreting internal organs? Jeez, the more I think about
it, the more I`m starting to wonder. Alright, I have to go
schedule a doctors appointment now. Thanks for nothing, fuckers.
off the El Nino burritos and Mountain Dew and you should last
another couple of years at least.
TO THE INTERWEB
damn glad i found you guys on line. i spend about 2 months
a year back in buffalo (sorta residing in austin tx. a little
blue oasis in a sea of red necks). i always bring back back
copies of all the editions i get while in town, but for some
reason didn't think your paper was online. excellent stuff,
love yer paper.... slammin' stuff. i 'm coming back to town
june 6th ( for the finals) go sabres!!!!
this paper is getting very popular here in austin. great work!
( a wayward musician that misses buffalo) mark harris
didn’t think we had a website? Who the hell is left out there
who doesn’t have a website? Our friggin’ clock radio has a
the way, announcing plans to come to town for the Stanley
Cup finals, while the Sabres are still in the semifinals,
is a textbook jinx. If the Sabres lose this series now, Mark,
it will officially be All Your Fault, and your visit to the
Queen City will be less enjoyable than you’d anticipated,
due mainly to the many beatings you will receive from devastated
alcoholics in oversized jerseys.
Your analogy is weak. The colonist received support after
a popular uprising, G.H.W.B. attempted to initiate that uprising
with his false promises of support, a move that if it had
been actual rather than propaganda would have broken apart
his coalition. A popular uprising must initiate from the "will
of the people" if it is to be succeed. Africa and South
America are prime examples of what happens when Europeans
and Americans attempt to instigate revolutions to futher there
aspirations. The recent Bolivian water uprising that I referenced
in my previous letter is a vivd reminder that the "will
of the people" creates an inevitability to that uprising.
Look at Ghandi's India. The British response was aggressive
and brutal, involving many deaths, and yet the Indians prevailed.
The post-colonial age is a testament to peoples removing themselves
from the authority of rule that they believed was unjust.
If there had been an insurgency in Iraq, against what they
felt was an unjust authority, and they had either petitioned
for our assistance or had accepted an offer once the uprising
had commenced, then this would be "sort of like"
the same thing.
You are correct though. American Idol won.
Okay then. As long as we both agree that I am correct.