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I always knew the Canadians were terrorist loving bastards

During my 30 some odd years safely transporting cargo for the proud US Merchant Marine, I have learned a few things. One, for instance, is that “tariff” is just a fancy word for tax, and two: Canucks are not to be trusted. I have learned other things, but they mostly involve giant squid and hepatitis C.

The sickeningly polite “aw shucks” demeanor and freckled, anemic visages of the foul terrorists of maple syrup country may have fooled many of their slack-jawed, land-legged southern counterparts here in the states, but not me, not for a second. How did I know? Decent people do not wear sandals! Not in my backyard! This is a rule I have. I fear insurance liability lawsuits and the like. I have tiki torches and a stiff wind could result in litigation over charred feet at any moment. Plus I never did much care for the foot. I don’t care what you do with your own feet behind closed doors, but I can’t belly the sight of someone else’s toes.

The signs have been there for some time: Celine Dion, Alex Trebek, Red Green, their fondness for plaid and all forms of neutered Canadian “rock-n-roll,” to name a few. Too long have we missed the threatening body language in their squinty little, ophthalmologist-assisted gazes, their exposed, orthodontist-straightened white teeth and pampered, chiropractor-aligned vertebrae. Too long have we mistaken their lighthearted whims as earnest in nature, rather than devilishly contrived al Qaeda attack codes. I think the time in history has come when this can finally be said: Canada has become a grave threat to the interests and freedoms of this country that we hold so dear, like kick-ass jet skis and the soft caress of puppies on our cheeks when we’re homesick on the high seas.

Continued US support for the seeming harmlessness of our northerly naïfs cannot and should not be tolerated in a post 9/11 world. More than likely, the US will be able to obtain these objectives diplomatically, with help from the recently elected conservative PM Steven Harper. Harper, the defunct surprise guest for an extremist beheading party, must take this opportunity to show America he is serious about the war on terror. Possibly, by setting up a detention camp on Prince Edward Island or allowing CIA rendition flights access to the Mounties’ airfields or at the very least, by making us a mix tape.

Now no American is sure what a “Prime Minister” does exactly, but we can only assume he is the “decider.” Mr. Harper needs to decide to be with us or against us. To tow the line or be wiped off the map, not just maps either but globes and TripTiks too. It is well within the right of America to turn the whole of the Canadian backwoods into an enormous glass hockey rink. As worldwide pursuers of freedom and democracy, it is time we got tough on these terrorist harboring hosers, eh. Five  minutes for coddling the enemy!

News of the terror plot hit close to home for many Western New Yorkers. The 50-year-old stripper preserve known as Fort Erie, Niagara Falls was allegedly a target for some of the Jihadist’s hijinks. A mere jaunt over the Peace Bridge, it seems, can be as, if not more dangerous than traveling on high heel stilts through Pakistani Kashmir, which I have done several times. Isolating the Canadian regime entirely might be a bit much to propose here but it’s safe to say I’ll be getting lap dances from American girls from now on. Semper Fi!

 

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Idiot Box by Matt Bors
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