Offset By His Fantastic Accumulation Of Possessions
By Josh Righter
and family initially gathered to mourn the sudden death of Tim Swartz, a 52
year-old executive who suffered a rare-but-deadly simultaneous heart attack,
stroke, and liver failure, but ended up celebrating when they realized just
how much wealth and "cool things" Swartz had accumulated over the
sad in some context that his physical, biological life can't continue,"
said Swartz's delighted brother Sam, "but the important thing here is
that all of this awesome shit will live on forever, or at least until things
like plastic and metal begin to break down and wear out."
I'm so proud of you," said Swartz's mother, patting her son's pallid
corpse and playing with his $7,000 pachinko machine. "You did what every
mother dreams for her son: you died with lots of stuff by your side."
At the funeral,
a priest gave a rousing tribute to Swartz's life and things.
the Lord's sheep Timothy returns unto him, the Lord will see him and welcome
him, and notice that his 60" plasma TV with HDMI inputs was totally sweet,"
the priest intoned. "I spoke to many members of the family before coming
up here today, and you all had some very cherished, lovely memories of Tim's
things. Hold on to these memories and keep them dear to your heart, and hopefully,
you will get the thing you're thinking of at the will reading after the ceremonies."
so moved by the loving tribute to how he spent his money, even made a brief
appearance at the service, warning everyone not to lean on his car or they'd
The dearly departed's
arsenal of death-defying material goods includes a five bedroom mansion, the
team of housekeepers he hired to keep the four bedrooms that he never used
clean, a stunning collection of vinyl albums never listened to in order to
preserve their freshness, a golden scepter, and a large, expensive, penis-shaped
car. By request of his family, the local newspaper ran his obituary as simply
an exhaustive catalogue of his fabulous possessions.
thing, we can be sure," announced father Alan Swartz at the funeral reception.
"Whatever the reason is for Tim's sudden heart attack, stroke, and liver
failure, he obviously died a very happy man."
In fact, Swartz's
death marks what some analysts are calling a trend in the U.S.: dying relatively
young, but in luxurious circumstances.
looking more and more like it will be renamed 'secondjobment', the idea of
sliding peacefully into one's golden years just isn't realistic anymore,"
said one important man. "More and more people are realizing that the
golden years may be happening as we speak, and that it would be a shame to
come out of them without having died."
The analyst then
accepted payment for his contributions, then shot himself in the face.
But for those
without the diverse portfolio of entertaining possessions of Tim Swartz, despair
should not be felt just yet; many poor people like to entertain the notion
that one can be happy without much money.
might say I'd be happier and healthier eating something different than ramen
noodles every night, but they don't know me," scoffed one poor bastard.
"They're all high and mighty, but inside, they're healthy and dead. I'd
rather be rotting and in horrible pain and alive."
says Swartz's family, is exactly the point.
dead," said wife Stella Swartz. "And now we have all of these things
as his legacy. This is why no poor person will ever be remembered by history:
how can you make your mark without having bought anything?"
is an editor at enduringvision.com.