Reaching Around the Aisle
House leaders move to protect House leaders.
Al Uthman

Hunger Striking for Osama
Churchill was right; Gandhi was a terrorist.
Alexander Zaitchik

BEAST Science for Hicks
A quck & fatal introduction to science for the logically challenged.
Ian Murphy

The BEAST Aeronautic Defense Technology Roundup
What's new in death from above.

The Great Genesee Cream Ale Challenge
A decent excuse for us to get hammered.

I Always Knew Canadians were Terrorist-loving Bastards
A BEAST Reader Opinion.

Man's Death Offset by Fantastic Accumulation of Possessions
Josh Righter

Artvoice “Sour Grapes” E-mail Determined to be a Forgery
Who's behind the malicious hoax?

Chertoff to Buffalo: We're 51.4% Behind You
Homeland Security budget cuts reveal predictable pattern.

Page 3 Serpent Bride

Kino Korner
X-Men 3, The Break-Up, The Omen.

Your cosmic fortune in insult form.

[sic] - Letters
Tech support, smeared scientists, & Hitler equivalence.

A Look Back Through the Ages by The BEAST's former Editors.

100 BEASTs of Gratitude
A brief note from the asshole in charge.
Al Uthman

Father Knows BEAST
A few unkind words from our founder.
Matt Taibbi

Outrage 101
A BEASTly education.
Paul Salamone

Me & My Buddy The BEAST
Chris Riordan

Viva El BEAST!
Recollections of an undocumented BEAST Staffer.

The Truth About our Intentions
The very 1st BEAST Editorial.

The BEAST Government Kids Page Review
Ian Murphy

Murtha's My Lai
Stan Goff

Call me Old Fasioned, but I Think the President Should be Killed
A BEAST Reader Opinion
by Gengis Khan

Still Scum, Still Sucking
Our local Rep, Tom Reynolds.
Paul Fallon


The BEAST Page 3 Serpent Bride

Name: Bimbala Das

Turn-ons: Thulsa Doom, mice, Boyz N the Hood, Shiva, heat rocks, competitive spitting, Fangoria, Cobra Command.

Turn-offs: St. Patrick, mongooses, herpes, PETA, Cleopatra, Dodge Vipers, hood piercings, Eve, rattles, Nora Ephron, Zartan.

How I got to be The BEAST PAGE 3 Serpent Bride: A lot of gals talk a good game, but I've really had it with men—and women. So I married a King Cobra. Sure, he's potentially deadly. It may sound naïve and cliché, but he's never hurt me and that's all that matters. He's a simple creature, who only needs a saucer of milk and the occasional lower-caste child. It's just nice to have someone who listens. What's more, my man's likely to grow 5 meters!

Future Plans: Well, first I'm going to buy some goggles. Then, for my own personal safety, I think I'd like to learn to play the pungi: a snake charmer's flute. With any luck, we may one day work up to heavy petting. I think we'll be maintaining separate residences, however: I'm thin and impoverished, thoroughly inured to pestilence and squalor, but there's no way I can hack in it in an anthill. Meanwhile, we're delaying our honeymoon until August, for the premiere of Snakes on a Plane. That’s gonna rock!

How I'd like to be Remembered: As somehow luckier than the girl from my town who, earlier this year, married a dog. Seriously, can you believe that?



Idiot Box by Matt Bors
Big Fat Whale by Brian McFadden
Perry Bible Fellowship by Nicholas Gurewitch
Bob the Angry Flower by Stephen Notely
Deep Fried by Jason Yungbluth

e-mail the evil editors at
John Stossel's Invisible Handjob
Leaking Integrity: WaPo lies
I'm with Stupid: Tony Snow
10 Questions for Scott McClellan
Ask Dr. Cruise
Guide to Post-9/11 Opportunism
Ask a Horrible Human-Monkey Hybrid
GWB's Rapture Report
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