REACHING AROUND THE AISLE
House Leaders Unite to Protect House Leaders
Allan Uthman

Through a source inside the NSA, The BEAST has obtained this transcript of a call placed by House Speaker Dennis Hastert to Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi at 9:30 am on Sunday, May 21. We present it here in its entirety.

Nancy Pelosi: Hello?

Dennis Hastert: Nancy? Hi, Denny Hastert here.

NP: Hi Denny! What can I do you for?

DH: Well, it’s about this thing with William Jefferson.

NP: They raided his office last night!

DH: Yeah, I heard. Listen, this is bad, really bad.

NP: Huh. I thought you guys would be happy about it.

DH: Are you kidding me? I mean, sure, I’m glad it’s one of yours for a change, but we can’t just have the Feds raiding our offices whenever we decide to withhold evidence, now can we? This affects all of us in the long run.

NP: I know. This isn’t right. I…I feel so violated! Who do these people think they are?

DH: I know! It’s like nothing is sacred anymore! We’ve got to get the message out to the people. Our privacy rights are being abused!

NP: Yes. Our constituents—they have no idea the kind of indignities we’re being subjected to here. It’s like, what’s next, they’re going to listen to our phone calls? Check our credit card receipts? I mean, really, who doesn’t have a few thousand dollars in their freezer?

DH: I know I do. And don’t even mention my humidor!

NP: Right. This whole thing goes against the very principles this nation is based on. We’ve got to do something!

DH: You’re right. If there’s one thing all of us should agree on, it’s that basic constitutional rights against unreasonable search and seizure must be protected.

NP: For congress.

DH: Right, exactly, for congress.

NP: I couldn’t agree more.

DH: This is a civil rights issue! We have an obligation to fight for the rights of—rights of—our rights.

NP: If you can’t protect yourself, who can you protect?

DH: This time the president’s really gone too far. That’s why I say we issue a joint statement. [To unknown person] You there! Prepare a statement!

NP: Wow, a bipartisan statement?

DH: That’s right Nancy. You and me, babe.

NP: Awesome! I can’t believe it!

DH: Well, Jefferson’s a Democrat, but you know we’ve both got irons in this fire. I mean, sure, you guys are corrupt, but, heh, seriously, we’re beating you in that game, too.

NP: Don’t remind me. We can barely keep up with the kind of fundraising you guys do.

DH: And you thought getting more votes was the way to win!

(Laughter)

NP: Ouch! Well, at least it’s coming back to bite your big ass!

DH: I don’t know…maybe. I mean, money laundering is complicated, you know? Hard for voters to understand. But there’s nothing complicated about a suitcase full of money. It’s picture perfect.

NP: (Sighing) I know, I know—what an idiot!

DH: Don’t be too hard on him, Nance. He’s from Louisiana. Corruption is like their state religion. You should see what we’re getting away with down there with the Katrina reconstruction thing. Anyway, we have taken a beating lately.

NP: Yeah, I was gonna say, what about Duke Cunningham?

DH: Well, that’s just it isn’t it? I mean, the FBI could shine a light on any one of us, and…

NP: It’s all over.

DH: Right. And in the end, who’ll be left? Dennis Kucinich?

[Laughter]

NP: Totally. We’ve all come up in this same game, with the same rules, and now they’re on the hunt? It’s not fair!

DH: So we’re in agreement, then.

NP: Yeah. When do you want to do this?

DH: Umm, how’s tomorrow?

NP: Er, no good. I’ve got Botox tomorrow, and you don’t want to see me right after that.

DH: I bet. All right, let’s say…Wednesday. I’ll have one of my guys run over a copy of the statement when it’s done. I have a fundraiser on Tusday with AT&T.

NP: Hey, they’re a big client for me, too! Tell Bob I said “hi,” will you?

DH: Not a chance.

NP: Ha! All right then, have fun. Listen, I gotta run. These civil liberties people are here again; they’re waiting for me.

DH: What’s up their butts now?

NP: Oh, I don’t know, something about, “oh, they’re tapping our phones, they’re reading our e-mails, intimidating the media, the sky is falling”—same old thing. They don’t even bring gifts or anything.

DH: God, how do you do it?

NP: Well, you know; San Francisco and all that. You’ve got your district, I’ve got mine. And donors, too.

DH: Yeah, but what’s the big deal, right? I mean really, if you’re not doing anything wrong, what do you have to worry about?

NP: True. I mean, I can see how it’s a little scary, Gonzales threatening journalists, and the phone records and whatever, but really you should hear these people. It all, “Hitler this, Orwell that.” Bo-ring!

DH: Seriously, why should they get something for nothing? If they want something done about it, then they need to get in line and pay their money like everyone else.

NP: Yeah, exactly. But that’s not the kind of thing you can tell a true believer.

DH: See, that’s why I’ll always be a Republican, Nance: our people understand how this works—even the true believers.

NP: Yeah, it makes me jealous sometimes. Anyway, it’s nice we can bridge the divide when it comes to the really important things, like this.

DH: What choice do I have? I mean, this is a serious outrage, and it’s line-in-the-sand time.

NP: I know—has this guy even read the constitution?

DH: Doubt it, unless there’s an illustrated version.

NP: Hah! Well, anyway, I’ve got to go. See you later, Denny!

DH: Good luck with the hippies!

NP: [Laughs] Thanks, bye!