Reaching Around the Aisle
House leaders move to protect House leaders.
Al Uthman

Hunger Striking for Osama
Churchill was right; Gandhi was a terrorist.
Alexander Zaitchik

BEAST Science for Hicks
A quck & fatal introduction to science for the logically challenged.
Ian Murphy

The BEAST Aeronautic Defense Technology Roundup
What's new in death from above.

The Great Genesee Cream Ale Challenge
A decent excuse for us to get hammered.

I Always Knew Canadians were Terrorist-loving Bastards
A BEAST Reader Opinion.

Man's Death Offset by Fantastic Accumulation of Possessions
Josh Righter

Artvoice “Sour Grapes” E-mail Determined to be a Forgery
Who's behind the malicious hoax?

Chertoff to Buffalo: We're 51.4% Behind You
Homeland Security budget cuts reveal predictable pattern.

Page 3 Serpent Bride

Kino Korner
X-Men 3, The Break-Up, The Omen.

Your cosmic fortune in insult form.

[sic] - Letters
Tech support, smeared scientists, & Hitler equivalence.

A Look Back Through the Ages by The BEAST's former Editors.

100 BEASTs of Gratitude
A brief note from the asshole in charge.
Al Uthman

Father Knows BEAST
A few unkind words from our founder.
Matt Taibbi

Outrage 101
A BEASTly education.
Paul Salamone

Me & My Buddy The BEAST
Chris Riordan

Viva El BEAST!
Recollections of an undocumented BEAST Staffer.

The Truth About our Intentions
The very 1st BEAST Editorial.

The BEAST Government Kids Page Review
Ian Murphy

Murtha's My Lai
Stan Goff

Call me Old Fasioned, but I Think the President Should be Killed
A BEAST Reader Opinion
by Gengis Khan

Still Scum, Still Sucking
Our local Rep, Tom Reynolds.
Paul Fallon


Niman’s “Sour Grapes” E-mail Determined to be a Forgery

Recently, a trusted source of ours forwarded an e-mail to us, ostensibly written by Buffalo State College Communications professor and Artvoice political essayist Dr Michael Niman, and addressed to Artvoice publisher Jamie Moses. The e-mail seemed genuine at first sight, but even a cursory reading determines it to be an obvious forgery.

How do we know? Well, just look at the e-mail:

From: Mike Niman <>
Date: April 24, 2006 8:47:27 PM EDT (CA)
To: ArtVoive Jamie Moses <>

Subject: Beast Iraqi?


Have you ever seen that Alan Uthman?  He's a toad.  Really.  Anyway, poor guy seemed to be having some sort of panic attack -  couldn't really speak.  Just meeped and peeped like a newborn gerbil.  Anyway, then Franken asked him to tell his story -- about how he's from Bagdad and his dad was Saddam's dentist.  Now, of course this is bullshit.  He's the editor of the beast.  Fabricating this kind of bullshit and hustling the likes of Al Frankin is what they do best.  Yeah, tell me Alan Uthman is an Iraqi name.

Anyway, Paul Fallon's looking pretty bad these days.  Has this pasty jowel thing that osolates like a waterbed in an earthquake when he talks.  I told Laura you put a curse on him.  Laura says "Good for Jamie!"

You didn't do that, did you?

- Mike

Note the crude, phonetic misspellings of several words which would be elementary to the real Niman, who teaches classes on writing. It is impossible to believe that a politically aware man of letters wouldn’t know how to spell the name of such a topical city as “Baghdad,” or such a common word as “jowl.” It’s not as hard to believe that even an educated person might have a little trouble with the trickier “oscillates,” but to render such an atrocity as “osolates,” one would have to be some kind of Cro-Magnon halfwit, something the real Michael Niman surely is not. Even the name of the very publication he works for is comically misspelled as “Artvoive.”

What’s worse, this Niman-imposter’s mental flaws go far beyond errors of spelling. This “Niman” appears to assert that “Al[l]an Uthman” couldn’t be an Iraqi name, whereas the real Professor Niman, a worldly scholar who wrote in January 2001 that he had “been following the Iraq situation for the past two decades,” would surely know that “Uthman” is the Arabic counterpart to the Turkish “Osman,” and a common surname throughout the Sunni-Muslim world including Kurdish Iraq, from where Uthman’s paternal family originates. Also, the real Niman, an impeccable researcher, would have easily unearthed, through a simple Lexis-Nexis search, several short newspaper articles from 2003 about the very real story of how Uthman’s father treated Saddam Hussein’s teeth in the early ‘70s, including one by our very own Buffalo News (“Local dentist had an unusual patient: Saddam,” 4/11/03).

As if all of that weren’t enough, there is the uncharacteristically crude, ad hominem nature of this faux Niman’s attacks regarding the relative physical beauty of both our editor and publisher. But it’s not just the callous and inaccurate nature of these insults (our editor is clearly more froggish than toad-like) that rings untrue. The truly incredible aspect to these spiteful aspersions is the preposterous notion that someone who looks like this:

Writing to someone who looks like this:

Would criticize anyone’s appearance.

Furthermore, as Artvoice publisher Jamie Moses assured us in a recent e-mail, he’s simply disinterested and almost completely unaware of The BEAST’s existence, and bears us no ill will. So clearly, the notion that he would “put a curse on” our publisher, Paul Fallon, is totally absurd, a fiction borne of the deranged mind who concocted this strange, spurious message.

So, obviously the e-mail is a fake, a decoy (although Fallon, shaken by the horrific specter of a Moses-driven pox set upon him, is taking no chances and has hired a Shaman to exorcise whatever evil, monopolistic spirits may encircle him). But what motivation could there be for such fakery? We can only conclude that we were the intended victims of a “gotcha” false story plant, the sort of tactic Karl Rove has been credited with, most famously in the case of the forged memo which found its way into Dan Rather’s ill-fated report on Bush’s National Guard record. This rogue e-mail was a vicious attempt to drive a dagger into the heart of Buffalo’s usually tight-knit progressive community, a divide-and-conquer deception crafted to turn like-minded allies against each other. But Mike and Jamie should worry not, because we know them better than to believe they could be so bitter, petty and ignorant as to have anything to do with this unsophisticated rubbish. As always, we remain Artvoice’s—and Mike Niman’s—best friends and biggest fans. Keep up the good work, fellas!



Idiot Box by Matt Bors
Big Fat Whale by Brian McFadden
Perry Bible Fellowship by Nicholas Gurewitch
Bob the Angry Flower by Stephen Notely
Deep Fried by Jason Yungbluth

e-mail the evil editors at
John Stossel's Invisible Handjob
Leaking Integrity: WaPo lies
I'm with Stupid: Tony Snow
10 Questions for Scott McClellan
Ask Dr. Cruise
Guide to Post-9/11 Opportunism
Ask a Horrible Human-Monkey Hybrid
GWB's Rapture Report
© Copyright 2002-2005, The Beast. All rights reserved.