the summer driving season shifts into full-swing in the days to come, traffic
will snarl the nation's roads and highways, especially as more and more people
realize that they can complain about gas prices while still driving their
normal amount. But stopping the stress and violence that road rage causes
is the responsibility of each driver, or at least the other guy and not you.
The Enduring Vision has compiled a few helpful tips to keep the rage from
boiling over into dangerous actions.
- Shoot self
in face every time someone cuts you off
There is no better
way of alleviating stress than firing off a few rounds, and if shooting at
some arbitrary target doesn't quite do it for you, try a bullet wound just
above the nose.
- Wait to
get home, abuse family
to hit like a pillow used to work when you were young and frustrated, but
is a paltry substitute to your wife/girlfriend/child who are waiting for you
to come home to do anything they can to help you relax after your hard day
at work. Bonus: both verbal and physical varieties will do.
Jesus has been
known to levitate people out of traffic jams. Give it a try if you believe
you are on good terms with Him. Bonus: watch for any small incremental improvements
in the traffic up to an hour after your prayer, as these are obviously a sign
that your prayer worked and Jesus is real.
- Write Congressman,
request additional funding for flying cars research
The Future" promised us that cars would be flying by 2015, and so far
we haven't even made the switch from fossil fuels to Flux Capacitors to power
our cars. The time is now to push the government if we ever expect to see
the Honda Accord come with "hover" option, and possibly the "laser
for asshole riding my ass" button.
how much worse the train/bus would be
When stuck in
traffic, or seething with fury at the docile driver going 60 in the left lane,
think about how dismal the train or bus would be. You will come to the realization
that NPR and shitty drivers beat noisy babies, loud iPods and smelly people
- Park car,
It's not your
fault if the expressway is gridlocked, so feel free to leave your car either
on the side of the road or in the lane in which you were stuck -- the other
drivers will graciously maneuver around you. It's great exercise, and other
drivers will appreciate your concern for the environment with an enthusiastic
- Honk at
car in front of you
98% of all traffic
is caused by someone not realizing that they need to drive. If the car immediately
in front of your vehicle is this person, a simple honk will remind them what
they are supposed to do when they find themselves enclosed in a car-like setting.
Bonus: verbally suggest other ways the driver could improve his or her driving
habits, including sucking your dick and eating shit.
- Kill a homeless
someone because he cut you off may be fun, but it does nothing to solve the
problems of starvation and homelessness and is therefore socially irresponsible.
The next time you get the urge to punch the driver of the BMW, opt instead
to drive downtown and kill an invalid homeless man with your bare hands. Society
will thank you.
- Go fuck
given by your fellow drivers can be valuable -- should someone recommend that
you perform intercourse on yourself, you may want to oblige and see just how
quickly you cool off. Be sure to do your research ahead of time and know how
this is done, so that valuable time is not wasted.
- Get drunk
prior to operating vehicle
are always jolly, so being drunk behind the wheel will help you brush off
and laugh at the canards of other people telling you, "Hey, watch it
buddy!" or "You're heading into oncoming traffic!"
contributed to this article
Scott Borchert & Josh Righter are editors at enduringvision.com.