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by Scott Borchert As the summer driving season shifts into full-swing in the days to come, traffic will snarl the nation's roads and highways, especially as more and more people realize that they can complain about gas prices while still driving their normal amount. But stopping the stress and violence that road rage causes is the responsibility of each driver, or at least the other guy and not you. The Enduring Vision has compiled a few helpful tips to keep the rage from boiling over into dangerous actions. - Shoot self in face every time someone cuts you off There is no better way of alleviating stress than firing off a few rounds, and if shooting at some arbitrary target doesn't quite do it for you, try a bullet wound just above the nose. - Wait to get home, abuse family Having something to hit like a pillow used to work when you were young and frustrated, but is a paltry substitute to your wife/girlfriend/child who are waiting for you to come home to do anything they can to help you relax after your hard day at work. Bonus: both verbal and physical varieties will do. - Pray Jesus has been known to levitate people out of traffic jams. Give it a try if you believe you are on good terms with Him. Bonus: watch for any small incremental improvements in the traffic up to an hour after your prayer, as these are obviously a sign that your prayer worked and Jesus is real. - Write Congressman, request additional funding for flying cars research "Back To The Future" promised us that cars would be flying by 2015, and so far we haven't even made the switch from fossil fuels to Flux Capacitors to power our cars. The time is now to push the government if we ever expect to see the Honda Accord come with "hover" option, and possibly the "laser for asshole riding my ass" button. - Consider how much worse the train/bus would be When stuck in traffic, or seething with fury at the docile driver going 60 in the left lane, think about how dismal the train or bus would be. You will come to the realization that NPR and shitty drivers beat noisy babies, loud iPods and smelly people any day. - Park car, walk home It's not your fault if the expressway is gridlocked, so feel free to leave your car either on the side of the road or in the lane in which you were stuck -- the other drivers will graciously maneuver around you. It's great exercise, and other drivers will appreciate your concern for the environment with an enthusiastic one-fingered wave. - Honk at car in front of you 98% of all traffic is caused by someone not realizing that they need to drive. If the car immediately in front of your vehicle is this person, a simple honk will remind them what they are supposed to do when they find themselves enclosed in a car-like setting. Bonus: verbally suggest other ways the driver could improve his or her driving habits, including sucking your dick and eating shit. - Kill a homeless person Brawling with someone because he cut you off may be fun, but it does nothing to solve the problems of starvation and homelessness and is therefore socially irresponsible. The next time you get the urge to punch the driver of the BMW, opt instead to drive downtown and kill an invalid homeless man with your bare hands. Society will thank you. - Go fuck self Sometimes advice given by your fellow drivers can be valuable -- should someone recommend that you perform intercourse on yourself, you may want to oblige and see just how quickly you cool off. Be sure to do your research ahead of time and know how this is done, so that valuable time is not wasted. - Get drunk prior to operating vehicle Drunk people are always jolly, so being drunk behind the wheel will help you brush off and laugh at the canards of other people telling you, "Hey, watch it buddy!" or "You're heading into oncoming traffic!" Josh Righter contributed to this article Scott Borchert & Josh Righter are editors at enduringvision.com. |
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