the time has come to turn in your driver’s license. You’re eighty-five years
old, you can barely see past your nose, you couldn’t hear a mortar round if
it exploded in your living room and you are completely oblivious to the nine
accidents you’ve been responsible for this week because for some reason you
need to be out driving during rush hour. It’s time to walk away from the car,
you old bastard and let someone else drive. How about those soulless children
you raised? It’s about time for them to earn that inheritance.
Leo (July 23-Aug.
how many times do you need to fall asleep with your pants down after masturbating
to porn before you learn your lesson? If you lived alone that would be one thing,
but I think your parents are tired of coming home to what has become a not-so-surprising
spectacle. Listen Leo, either buy a DVD player for your room or get an apartment
(you are thirty-six). I’m sure your parents will let you keep the couch.
Virgo (Aug 23-Sept
you need to stop luring young girls out of the country via MySpace. It is making
it difficult for hard-working American pedophiles to get some action.
23 –Oct 22)
been thinking about you a lot lately Libra, and have decided that if I ever
get to set someone on fire in the middle of a busy intersection it will be you.
Maybe in those last moments of running around screaming while trying to beat
out the flames, you will reflect on the shitty and foul life you have led and
finally be able to see the error of your ways before going to hell, or maybe
you just rot in the ground. Either way, the world will be a better place.
it’s one thing to read the tabloids, but quite another to rub that ridiculous
blue dot and expect to have good things happen to you. I know you weren’t born
retarded; it must have been a gradual process brought on by years of watching
the Home Shopping Network. I hope you catch Gonorrhea from rubbing that blue
dot and have to try to explain it to your angry spouse.
(Nov 22 – Dec 21)
the next time you’re doing a big interview with Matt Lauer, and you’re pregnant,
and want to appear sympathetic, as well as give the impression that you’re a
good mother; you might want to cover more than 10% of your tits.
22 – Jan 19)
remember last week when you said you really enjoy watching “Murder, She Wrote?”
I think you need get out more, because there is just something fucked up about
you are forty-two years old and have no children. There is no reason for you
to hang out at the local Chuck E. Cheese so much.
I know you have tried your best to make it work but I just don’t think your
Kevin Federline fan club is going to take off. I guess you have to find another
white trash piece of shit to look up to.
Aries, I saw you at work the other day and saw that sign next to you on the
counter stating, “Speak with one of our fun experts.” I can’t stop wondering
what it takes to become a “fun expert,” what kind of training program is involved,
and why you need to be one to sell pool supplies and badminton sets. I would
think it involves tequila, strippers, various recreational drugs, Jarts and
a monkey that smokes. Only then can you strut around like Mr. Big Dick calling
yourself a “fun expert,” and until then I’ll pick out my own fucking summer
fun items, thank you.
Taurus, she wants to know the password to your computer. She tells you it because
she wants to have access to your music collection and make her own CDs, but
you know better. You know the things she wants to see, the secrets she thinks
she may find. She needs to review buddy lists, e-mails and pictures. She wants
to know all. She wants to ask questions. She wants to have ammunition to save
for the right moment a month from now. My advice is to turn it around and ask
her if you can rummage through her purse because you’d have a better chance
of getting access to the unedited Warren Commission documents.
(May 21 –June 20)
Gemini, the fact that you consider David Blaine a hero speaks volumes about
you. David Blaine is as close to being a hero as a turd is to being a flashlight.
He’s not even a goddamned magician; he’s that unbalanced kid you hung out with
in middle school who sniffed gasoline and did crazy things with his dad’s power
tools. The guy is a fucking douche, Gemini.