sincerely hope you get this message. Iím disgusted with the
media. Iím looking at the new Superman boy and the reason
they hired him was because heís basically got Chris Reevesí
mouth and voice pretty much and heís slightly different. Itís
like being in love with a celebrity and meeting a girl looks
slightly like her with supreme character defects. Not the
fucking same, hello! Kate Bosworth, oh my God! She looks like
she had face work, man. She had serious face work done. She
doesnít look right, man. That and the fucking Val Kilmer family
on that fucking Geico commercial. Iím just disgusted with
the media. Why donít they fucking show us the real thing?
Why donít the show us human personality? Something about the
human condition, you know? Not this fucking Hollywood glitz.
Itís out of hand. Sodom and Gomorrah! And you know what? Sodom
and Gomorrah burned because if it. They BURNED because of
it! We need to nuke Los Angeles, Michael! We need to do this!
We need to get uranium! We need to nuke them! Weíve got to
do it while the ironís hot, man. Now Patriot Act and all that--got
to be carefulÖ!Ē
from Tom Maccio, 7/3/06 8:08 PM
this message from Tom Maccio all but sums up our uncontrolled
and often absurd misadventures together, the man isnít far
off concerning Superman Returns. By the time this issue
hits the stands, there will be practically no one who would
not have seen a big red S somewhere as The Man of Steel
has come out of 19 year-long hibernation (minus a pair of
misfired TV series.)
itís different this time! Instead of a buddy movie with Richard
Pryor or a battle with a solar-powered mullet head, Superman
returns to Earth after a five-year mission to Krypton upon
a rumor of the planetís survival. Aside from asking its audience
to forget that Superman III and IV were ever
made, it shows us how Superman copes with the fact that the
world has gotten along without him and returns to find Lois
Lane has a son and a new man. Oh, and Lex Luthor still wants
Superman dead. Bring a book! Jesus! I know that Superman isnít
even close to being one of the most interesting superheroes,
but put forth some effort here! I donít even know where to
start with the piss poor script. When I first heard the deal
with Superman Returns, I was thinking benefit of
the doubt considering the talent involved. Bryan Singer
(X-Men 1 and 2, The Usual Suspects) directing
and Kevin Spacey as Lex Luthor. I knew Iíd be there, but I
just wasnít sure when. But about halfway through the movie
I was wishing that Superman got sucked into a black hole during
his opening credits journey back. When he wasnít spewing out
the 8 lines of dialogue he had, he was moping around over
Lois Lane or thinking about chimpanzees wrestling with cats.
Then apparently in his five-year absence, Superman forgot
that Clark Kent is supposed to be a geek and not dress out
of an Eddie Bauer catalog (nothing screams ďdorkĒ like Armani
glasses and a hundred-dollar haircut). Then weíve got Lois
Laneónow with an extra bad perm and 99% less tenacity. I know
sheís got the grossly underused plot device of a kid in tow,
but get a frickiní nanny already! And whoever came up with
this kinder, gentler Perry White crap seriously needs a punch
in the neck. But what really took the cake was Lex Luthorís
master plan. Yeah, letís put up Section 8 versions of the
Fortress of Solitude everywhere and rent them out. Were the
guys who wrote this slop smoking crack behind a Motel 6 dumpster
when they thought this one up? And not one mention of Truth,
Justice and The American Way.
letís not forget how great everyoneís performances were. Iím
convinced (as is Maccio) that Brandon Routh was hired to play
Superman for the sole reason that he slightly resembles
Christopher Reeve and not for his acting ability. He acts
with the 57,856 hours of weight training and the costume.
Then thereís the matter of Kate Bosworth as Lois Lane. I havenít
seen a casting decision this bad since Keanu Reeves was cast
as a guy with too much information in his head as Johnny
Mnemonic. I think 6 pieces of toast couldíve done a better
job as Lois Lane. WILLIAM SHATNER WOULDíVE DONE A BETTER JOB
AS LOIS LANE! AL UTHMAN WOULDíVE BEEN A BETTER LOIS LANE!
And as for Kevin Spaceyís performance as LuthoróI can at least
say I now know what it would be like to witness disappointment
and anticlimax get into a horrible, horrible car accident.
Spacey was the perfect Luthor, as his performance was as dull
as Routhís Superman/Clark Kent. The only thing that could
have possibly justified this much moroseness in what is supposed
to be the biggest comic book movie ever is a brain tumor.
all this ranting is not to suggest Superman Returns
was an entirely horrible movie. I saw it in 3D at the IMAX.
The effects were amazing and justified what would have normally
been an inflated ticket price. Pair these mind-blowing effects
with amazing and often Christ-like imagery and youíve got
a 200 million dollar piece of beautiful eye candy. So yeah,
itís your typical summer movie. Iíd recommend seeing it on
a big screen, more importantly in IMAX 3D because frankly
youíre not going to get the same bang out of it even if youíve
got a great home theater system. However, Iíd also recommend
that before you get all excited to see a comic book movie
that you ask yourself what that particular hero is about and
what they instill in the citizens of their particular city.
Superman happens to be about hope and he happens to have the
powers of a god, not to mention that heís not even human.
When all is said and done a comic book movie is only as good
or as interesting as its hero. Superman Returns proves
of the Caribbean: Dead Manís Chest
of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl was actually
a pretty enjoyable movie despite the fact that it had Jerry
Bruckheimerís name on it. Johnny Depp turned out a fun and
clever performance while channeling a gay Keith Richards and
earning an Oscar nomination as Jack Sparrow. Pirates
also showcased a breakthrough performance from Keira Knightley
as it offered plenty of fun sword fights, comedy and spooky
special effects.† It almost made you forget that it was based
on a ride at Disney World. But when all was said and done,
Johnny Depp was the main draw.
because of the success of the first movie, Bruckheimer and
crew have been working feverishly to film the second and third
installments simultaneously. As with any movie thatís filmed
at the same time with another one, thereís something missing
(think Back to the Future 3). Oh sure, the next installment
of Pirates of the Caribbean, Dead Manís Chest has a
lot of the things that made Curse of the Black Pearl
so enjoyable: Johnny Deppís silliness, Keira Knightley in
a push-up corset, thieving monkeys and swashbuckling action.
But something was wrong with Dead Manís Chest. Many
of the jokes alluded to the previous movie, but when all was
said and done, Dead Manís Chest served one purpose
and one purpose alone: setting it up for Pirates of the
Caribbean: At Worldís End. In other words, youíre spending
money in order to spend more money.
was such a rube. Unfortunately I didnít realize this until
things started to get worse and worse for our heroes to the
point where the only thing that could turn it all around for
them was another movie. I donít care that I was mildly entertained
for the better part of 3 hours or that I got to see a squid
man smoke a pipe. It wasnít as fun as Curse of the Black
Pearl and Keira Knightley was dressed up as a man in the
few scenes she was in. Bah!
a reason I donít shop at Rent A Center or order appetizers
before dinner. I want it all in one shot. I like things self-contained
and I hate cliffhangers. Itís one thing when youíre trying
to land a pixiesque Jewish princess, but escapism is an entirely
different animal. Few things piss me off more than having
to wait months or years on end to find out What Happens Next
even though youíve got a really good idea what will happen.
of Curse of the Black Pearlís appeal was that it was
a bit more than typical mindless summer movie time entertainment.
It had a certain freshness and resolve that isnít often found
at the theaters during the summer months. More importantly,
it seemed to appeal to everyone while spawning a new generation
of pirate fetishists. Now with this suspenseful installment
garbage, itís becoming less like fun and more like a mortgage.
Black Pearl was kind of like someone making a good
impression on you and becoming your friend. Itís good to make
new friends, right? But Dead Manís Chest was more like
your new pal whoís hanging out at your place and eating all
your food, crashing on your couch and borrowing cash. Heís
all take take take with not much give give give.† Oh, and
he wants to crash with you until late Fall 2007. Did you pick
up any more beer?
a little known fact that the 1990 movie Pretty Woman
wasnít originally written as a Pygmalionesque Cinderella
story about a hooker with a heart of gold. It wasnít a fun
little chick flick with a happy ending. It was initially a
dark and depressing love story where the Richard Gere character
dumps all over the Julia Roberts character throughout the
movie before throwing her out of the limo at the end. Iíd
have loved to see that.
thought about this when I was watching Click, the new
Adam Sandler movie where he comes across a remote control
that allows him to weave through his life as if it had a chapter
search on a DVD. How many times have you sat on the couch,
baked out of your gourd as you not so violently flipped though
the channels and thought to yourself, how awesome would
it be if this remote control worked on my life? Yeah,
me neither. And what I thought about even less than this was
how much Iíd like to see this potentially oxygen-deprived
premise made into a movie, or how Iíd love to see Adam Sandler
Sandler uses his all-powerful remote control to scroll through
the parts of his life that are too stressful or too boring,
he discovers that most of his life has passed him by. And
as I encountered every of the numerous notes that Click
missed, I became more and more convinced that this could have
been a great movie. It reminded me of Eternal Sunshine
of the Spotless Mind at points, but it decided to go the
road of sophomoric and less than witty physical humor. And
nothing says playing it smart like sticking David Hasselhoff
on the credits.
I feel so much better knowing that I must suffer and that
it builds character like a large-scale paper route. Debt actually
is a great thing. So is knowing that I canít eat hot salsa
without running the risk of shitting Nagasaki. Nothing makes
me feel better than working almost 60 hours a week between
3 jobs because I love EVERY GODDAMNED MINUTE OF IT!!! And
if there was a DVD of my life the first chapter Iíd go to
is the one(s) where I realize that Iíve made a very big mistake.
is actually a terrific downer and donít let Adam Sandlerís
big, dopey head convince you otherwise. Oh sure, youíll giggle
a few times but when you leave that theater and walk into
the blinding sunlight youíre going to probably be depressed
and wonder what the hell youíve done with your own life. The
marketing department that sold Click was very clever
in getting its audience to believe that Adam Sandler was going
to make their problems go away for a better part of two hours.
It reminded me of another marketing ploy, for the DVD release
of The Matador. It was a brilliant comedy/buddy movie.
If you see commercials for it or even look at the artwork
on the DVD, youíll notice that it gives you the impression
youíll be watching a smarmy action movie with plenty of violence,
loads of gunplay and no laughs, when nothing could be further
from the truth.
this movie for the sole purpose of entertainment was like
going on a blind date with a snaky ex-girlfriend and having
her try to convert you over to Scientology for 2 hours as
she fills her once-kissable face with fried okra and cornbread.
You also have to ditch the idea of getting drunk just so that
cold sore doesnít come anywhere near you, which is something
thatís not going into the plus column. And if youíre not running
for the door yet, the fact that her new favorite singer is
Pink could very well result in your suicide right there at
the table. Whereís that special remote control when you need
Devil Wears Prada
hereís a movie that in theory could have been amusing at best.
Youíve got Anne Hathaway whom I enjoy looking at very much,
despite suffering from SBLS (Susceptible to Bad Lighting Syndrome)
from time to time. She can look downright Downy sometimes.
Then weíve got Meryl Streep, who was a beautiful creature
who has turned into a handsome woman. She consistently turns
out great performances while lending an air of graceful credibility
to anything she works on. So weíve got an up and coming hottie
starring in a movie with the Hera of living American Actresses.
You get to drool a little on yourself as you catch a good
performance. Sometimes the movieís a drag but she was usually
good. What can we stick them in together? How about a young
Midwesterner moving to the Big City and her fashion magazine
Boss From Hell?
is the kind of movie that would drive Tom Maccio into a living
coma. He would talk in detailed, yet chaotic rantings about
movies like this. He would discuss it in terms of Milf factor,
Overall Fashion Sense and Drag Queen Sensibilities. For Maccio,
Streep would win for the first and the third counts, but he
would adore Hathawayís wardrobe and ďgunsĒ enough to award
her for the second. When heíd get bored he would spout obscenities
at the screen whether he was alone or not. Peanut butter
fuck bucket was a favorite of his.
he would have an apocalyptic vision during a state of boredom
and talk about how much better this movie would be if it had
ninjas, sword wielding skeletons and an Evil Knievel stunt
footage segment. Either that or make glib remarks throughout
the remainder. Usually the latter.
reason for this was that there are only two types of people
who will like this movie, fag hags and their gay boyfriends.
Nothing wrong there, but you should bring a book if youíre
a straight guy. I brought a book and it was actually the novel
of The Devil Wears Prada. Nah, I donít even own that
book. Maccio ranted about DC Comics and uranium for 67 minutes.