Local tales From our current issue:

WHL-Duh!
Local AM station bans BEAST after severe panty-bunching incident

Of BANANAs & Bonobos
BEAST scores watery blow against acronym proliferation

(more to come...)

Issue 103:


Paper of Wreckage
NYT reporters caught red-handed reporting.
Allan Uthman

Gay Marriage Threatens Gay Happiness
A Fabulous BEAST Editorial
Ian Murphy

Flag Football
How illegal should it be?
Rich Herschlag

Eternal Sunshine of the Heartless Brain
Fox News launches Santorum's Weapon of Mass Delusion.
Christopher Famighetti

Sinking the Ship
Let's impeach him already.
Stan Goff

Ask Ann Coulter
Completely original advice from the world's foremost dumbass.

Starving for Attention
Exclusive celebrity fasting diary excerpts.

Authorities reveal failed plot to kill everyone
in New York City with motherfucking behemoth
laser-guided remote controlled killer bees

What Would Tom Bosley Do?
You may regret asking.
N. Sorrenti

Man Makes Clever Joke about France Surrendering World Cup
Josh Righter

Page 3 Falsified Death

Kino Korner: Movies
Supterman, Pirates of the Carribean, Click, Devil Wears Prada.

Music review: Knife Crazy
Jacob Drun

BEAST-O-Scopes
Your cosmic fortune in insult form.

[sic] - Letters
Coulter-bashing, progeny tallies, the Bauerle conspiracy, & vacationing down under.


Pointless
Feeding the ultimate troll.
Al Uthman

Bananarama
Belafonte can't shake tally-man past.
Christopher Famighetti

A Small Rabbit out of a Big Hat
Pentagon media moguls cancel Zarqawi.
Stan Goff

Al Qaeda Idol
Vote for the next #2!

The BEAST Conservative Q&A
Answering questions that plague Republicans.

Five Questions...
for WGRZ anchor Ron Plants!

Coping with Road Rage
What can you do?
Scott Borchert

Hammer Hits Hollywood
The Big Buy: Tom DeLay’s Stolen Congress
Movie Review by Matt Cale

Stormtrooping for Dollars
Blog by boys in blue bodes badly for Buffalo

Power Tool
Brian Higgins, the enemy within

 


Gay Marriage Threatens Gay Happiness

Sure the ruling is unjust, immoral, bigoted and more than likely illegal, but the New York Supreme Court decision disallowing same sex marriage should be seen as a boon to gays. Many homosexuals are angry over this blatant disregard for their basic humanity, but here at The BEAST we implore the gay community to take a step back and look at these societal restrictions in a more positive and realistic light.

Of course homosexuals have every right to be enraged over denial of the emotional security, economic incentives and child adoption advantages that come with state sanctioned marriage, but they’d be wise to realize that the grass isn’t always greener. It has been said before and I’ll say it again: marriage is for rubes. Rubes who buy into an idealized Western notion of romance, fueled by their excessive consumption of rose-peddling reality television “bachelors,” rubes who mistake the 2-year period in a relationship when their brains are being soaked with serotonin for undying love. Worth noting: excess serotonin levels have been linked to temporary insanity.

I must admit before going any further, I have my own bias toward gays. Namely, I was under the impression they were in general wittier, more articulate, more creative and able to comprehend that marriage is the social equivalent of sticking your head in a running snow blower. Sadly, my pigeonholing has proven inaccurate, and I am beginning to suspect that gay people are just as dumb as straight folk. Queers in this country, sans Massachusetts, have enjoyed a de facto freedom envied by many straight men – why plead for the shackles of matrimony?

It is worth noting that the concept of marriage as a romantic endeavor only goes back to the Middle Ages – a “misery loves company” solution to the malaise and thankless toil of life, whereas homosexuality has been prevalent throughout evolutionary history, through every step of our bipedal locomotion. It is an undeniable aspect of human nature. Some just happen to be queerer than others. It is often this buried knowledge which every one of us has that has become the source of resistance to gayness in general. The truth is that most fervent gay marriage opponents secretly desire a good anal rogering. If you ever come across such a bible thumping, playa-hatin’ classic defense-mechanistic homophobe, pose him this age-old riddle:  could god make a set of testicles so attractive he couldn’t resist sucking the sweat off of them? This will surely earn you the sound beating you deserve for wanting to get married in the first place.

Both nationally and state-wide, divorce rates are hovering around 60%. Sanctified, marriage is not. Marriage is a cage of resentment, loathing and endless nagging. Marriage is two people who hate each other living under the same roof. Marriage is the true perversion of nature. Marriage is a loaded gun pointed right in your face that hasn’t the mercy to paint the kitchen wall with your brains. Marriage is terrible. Just try to find a happily married couple, go on, I’ll wait, go on… see? There are none!  And if some couple told you they were happy: never speak to them again, for they are lying dogs.

Love is love and marriage is marriage; rarely do they coincide.  Why anyone would need the state, of all institutions, to validate their emotions is beyond me. Yes there are some perks, but think of what you’d be giving up! At any time you can up and leave a relationship without legal ramifications, you’ll never be pushed to take your relationship to that final step, you’ll never be confronted with the marriage ultimatum by a manipulative partner, you will never have to confront yet another failure – you will never lose your freedom! And in America, personal freedom’s what it’s all about.

Someday America will come to its collective senses and grant full rights to homosexuals. When that happens, many gay people will wake up next to the same annoying and despicable person every day for the rest of their miserable lives, and realize that they never knew what they had until it was gone.

 

BEAST Blog

Idiot Box by Matt Bors
Big Fat Whale by Brian McFadden
Perry Bible Fellowship by Nicholas Gurewitch
Bob the Angry Flower by Stephen Notely
Deep Fried by Jason Yungbluth

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