Authorities Thwart Plot to Kill Everyone in New York City with Motherfucking Behemoth Laser-Guided Remote Controlled Killer Bees

NEW YORK – A terrorist plot to kill everyone in the city with motherfucking behemoth laser-guided remote controlled killer bees was thwarted before the conspirators could travel to the United States, authorities said Friday.

Twenty suspects – including an al-Qaeda loyalist arrested in Lebanon, Pennsylvania and two others in custody elsewhere – had hoped to pull off the attack in October or November, federal officials said. But federal investigators working with their counterparts in six other countries intervened.

“It was never a concern that this would actually be executed,” Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff said in Washington. “We were, as I say, all over these motherfucking behemoth laser-guided remote controlled killer bees.”

“This is a plot that involved martyrdom and huge, unnatural god damn laser-guided remote controlled killer bees” and focused on the “killing every last person in New York,” said FBI Assistant Director Mark J. Mershon, “even people who have been dead for years.”

A federal law enforcement official, who spoke on condition of anonymity because the investigation is ongoing, said investigators believe that an attack with motherfucking behemoth laser-guided remote controlled killer bees, unlike traditional methods of terrorism, could have not only killed the living but reanimated many people that are already dead, given them enough time for joyful reunions with loved ones and then brutally killed them all over again.

Investigators decided in recent weeks that the “plotting for this attack had matured to a point where it appeared that the individuals were about to move forward,” Mershon said. “They were about to go to a phase where they would think about attempting to clone giant killer bees, implanting them with high-tech remote controlled laser guidance and teaching them to raise the dead.”

“At that point it’s entirely appropriate to take it down.”

Officials cited the arrest of the Lebanese suspect - described as the scheme’s mastermind - as a significant break in the investigation. A Pennsylvanian official said the man confessed to plotting to attack New York City with motherfucking behemoth laser-guided remote controlled killer bees later this year and to acting on Osama bin Laden’s orders, relayed to him through a transmitter implanted in one of his molars.

Another U.S. official, also speaking on condition of anonymity because the investigation is ongoing, called the plot “largely aspirational” and described the Internet conversations as mostly extremists discussing and conceptualizing the plot. The official said no money had been transferred, nor had anyone involved figured out how to make giant killer bees, guide them remotely with lasers or how exactly these bees would bring the dead back to life, in order to kill them again. “But, you know,” added the official, “they could have figured it out, eventually. I mean, it’s not entirely impossible.”