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Issue 103:

Paper of Wreckage
NYT reporters caught red-handed reporting.
Allan Uthman

Gay Marriage Threatens Gay Happiness
A Fabulous BEAST Editorial
Ian Murphy

Flag Football
How illegal should it be?
Rich Herschlag

Eternal Sunshine of the Heartless Brain
Fox News launches Santorum's Weapon of Mass Delusion.
Christopher Famighetti

Sinking the Ship
Let's impeach him already.
Stan Goff

Ask Ann Coulter
Completely original advice from the world's foremost dumbass.

Starving for Attention
Exclusive celebrity fasting diary excerpts.

Authorities reveal failed plot to kill everyone
in New York City with motherfucking behemoth
laser-guided remote controlled killer bees

What Would Tom Bosley Do?
You may regret asking.
N. Sorrenti

Man Makes Clever Joke about France Surrendering World Cup
Josh Righter

Page 3 Falsified Death

Kino Korner: Movies
Supterman, Pirates of the Carribean, Click, Devil Wears Prada.

Music review: Knife Crazy
Jacob Drun

Your cosmic fortune in insult form.

[sic] - Letters
Coulter-bashing, progeny tallies, the Bauerle conspiracy, & vacationing down under.

Feeding the ultimate troll.
Al Uthman

Belafonte can't shake tally-man past.
Christopher Famighetti

A Small Rabbit out of a Big Hat
Pentagon media moguls cancel Zarqawi.
Stan Goff

Al Qaeda Idol
Vote for the next #2!

The BEAST Conservative Q&A
Answering questions that plague Republicans.

Five Questions...
for WGRZ anchor Ron Plants!

Coping with Road Rage
What can you do?
Scott Borchert

Hammer Hits Hollywood
The Big Buy: Tom DeLay’s Stolen Congress
Movie Review by Matt Cale

Stormtrooping for Dollars
Blog by boys in blue bodes badly for Buffalo

Power Tool
Brian Higgins, the enemy within


Man Makes Clever Joke About France Surrendering World Cup
by Josh Righter

Just hours after an Italian victory over France in the 2006 World Cup, Tim Johnson, 32 year-old machinist and casual soccer/football/checkered-ball-romp fan, made what observers call a "stingingly satirical" and "bitingly brilliant" joke concerning the French loss.

Johnson, reiterating the joke at a press conference called to manage the media hype and attention he has received since making the statement, says it came to him "like a stroke of smartness".

"I was talking to my one buddy [Bill] Marowitz who was over for a cookout, and he mentioned that the World Cup was on earlier, and that France lost," Johnson recalled. "Suddenly, I knew I had the perfect thing to say -- 'Sounds like France surrendered!'"

Marowitz, stunned at the comedic brilliance, laughed long and hard, and proceeded to call other attendees of the cookout over.

"I told them, 'You guys have to hear what Tim just said, oh my God,'" said Marowitz. "Something like that, you don't come across it too often. It's something you would've never thought of in a million years, but suddenly somebody comes along and bam! It's an Einstein moment."

For the benefit of those who had trouble initially understanding what he called a "multi-leveled layer cake of a joke", Johnson explained it in detail at the press conference.

"See, France surrendered that one time in a war, or something," he said. "I'm not too clear on the details, but trust me: they surrendered. And they always surrender. So it's no surprise they surrendered the World Cup!"

Now, the joke has landed Johnson on a new career path, with a sitcom set to appear on Fox this Fall entitled, "France Surrenders".

"Each episode, I'll work in a new, hilarious way to talk about how France surrenders at something," Johnson revealed. "For example, a French UPS guy would come over to deliver something for me, and I would say, 'Do I need to sign for this?' and he'd say, 'Nah, don't worry about it,' and I'd say, 'I know...you're surrendering!'"

Like all good satire, part of what makes Johnson's joke so side-splittingly funny is that it makes a valid comment on a serious issue, according to humorologist Dr. Thad Rumplin.

"Of course, analysts were predicting a French loss in the World Cup long before Mr. Johnson's joke was made, since they, historically speaking, are constantly surrendering everything and have always done so, and will always do so forever," said Rumplin. "But the joke summed up the situation in such an unusual, concise, clever way, you can't help but be amazed."

Newspapers are scrambling to give the story complete coverage in tomorrow's editions, and the TV news networks are devoting massive amounts of airtime to covering the joke.

"We're entering hour six of our live Tim Johnson watch, where any minute now I'm sure he'll say something even funnier," said CNN anchor Wolf Blitzer, as the monitor behind him displayed Johnson evacuating his bowels in his bathroom.

"I love you, Tim Johnson," sobbed Fox News' Bill O'Reilly. "And I thought I'd forgotten how to love a long time ago."

Johnson even received a Presidential congratulations on his quick wit and satirical prowess.

"On a day when America is vaguely confused at all of this Whirl Cup business, this here Johnson fella comes along and puts it into terms we can all appreciate," said President Bush, bestowing a ribbon to the blushing Johnson. "That joke tickled me so much that I'd like to take Tim out to lunch for a nice burger and freedom fries."

A poll indicates that most Americans believe Johnson's joke to be the funniest ever made in the country's history, surpassing even John Newell's 1792 zinger concerning George Washington's hilarious powdered wig.

"It's funny, but it also makes you think. Like, why did France even go to the World Cup if they just knew they were going to lose?" commented one American polled. "Probably because they surrendered when they were thinking about it! Oh, do you think Mr. Johnson can use that one?"

"I thought France played a hell of a game, and most likely lost from being too aggressive since the team captain was red carded for head butting another player, but whatever!" said another man pleasantly. "I guess I'm off-base, because that joke is hilarious!"

Josh Righter is an editor at enduringvision.com.



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Big Fat Whale by Brian McFadden
Perry Bible Fellowship by Nicholas Gurewitch
Bob the Angry Flower by Stephen Notely
Deep Fried by Jason Yungbluth

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