(June 21-July 22)
I don’t know what your obsession is with this “goatse” fella,
but let me just say he is no role model for your children.
(July 23-Aug. 22)
let Maury Povich serve as your cosmic inspiration this fortnight.
You are to study his M.O. of torturing people who are terrified
of innocuous things like balloons and cheese. Take these lessons
and apply them to your everyday life, but use genuinely threatening
objects like knives and guns. Only then will you find true happiness.
Also, it wouldn’t hurt to marry an Asian woman.
(Aug 23-Sept 22)
have consulted the stars extensively on this one, Virgo and
we both agree: you could die at any minute, but you should
finish watching “Blind Date” because you’re just not smart enough
to accomplish anything of real merit. And no, your vast collection
of objects that interest you solely does not count.
(Sept 23 –Oct 22)
when you call someone a second time after they don’t call you
back, that’s normal. When you call them a third, fourth and
fifth time, that’s desperate. When you call them another few
times, that’s creepy. When you keep calling after that, and
leaving vaguely threatening messages, that’s stalking. When
you call them after they’ve taken you to court, that’s a dangerous
obsession. But when you call them from jail, that’s just stupid.
Sorry about that, Libra. Hey, I get out in a month—what are
you doing then?
(Oct 23-Nov 21)
the Mentos-in-the-Diet-Coke trick officially died when WGRZ’s
Chesley McNeil did a segment on it. Understand: when the local
news people in Buffalo find out about something, that officially
means everyone has seen it. Now you’re just making a big, gross
mess and attracting ants. Time to move on, Scorpio.
(Nov 22 – Dec 21)
just because Israel invaded Lebanon, that doesn’t mean you should
start giving away your worldly goods in anticipation of the
rapture. For one, this might just be a temporary skirmish. Two,
it’s not really very likely that Tim LaHaye knows what he’s
talking about. But even if this is the end times and Judgment
Day is coming, you’re still a total asshole, and you’re going
to feel pretty stupid getting “left behind” without your pornography
collection. That doesn’t mean I won’t take it off your hands,
(Dec 22 – Jan 19)
stop it. No, seriously—I’ve seen you. You need to stop right
now, before things get out of control. You know what I’m talking
about. Cut it out now, Capricorn, or I’ll tell someone. No,
I’m not kidding. Yeah, you’re my friend, but some things are
just too weird to be covered by that insurance. I can’t even
look you in the eye anymore. Seriously, Capricorn—what the fuck?
(Jan 20-Feb 18)
Aquarius, you have a nice car. Now stop bragging about it. Nobody
likes a guy who lords his possessions over the rest of us. You
really think anyone wants to come outside just to look at your
car? It’s a Mustang, Aquarius, not a friggin’ Lamborghini. And
if you’re going to force someone to listen to how great the
stereo system is, for god’s sake, don’t make them listen to
that goddamn Silverchair album. Have you no mercy?
(Feb 19-March 20)
Pisces, I just wanted to say thanks for towing my car the other
day. I really hadn’t been getting very much excercise this summer,
and having no car really provided me with the incentive necessary
to start riding my bike more often. Since you took my car, I’ve
been riding that thing everywhere! It’s been really good for
my energy level, and we both know I could stand to drop a few
pounds. Hope you die, Pisces.
(March 21-April 19)
Aries, I hate to tell you this, but that bacon double cheeseburger
you ate last night gave you Mad Cow Disease. Just kidding! Actually,
it’s called New Variant Creutzfeld-Jakob Disease when contracted
by humans. Better get your affairs in order before the giggles
(April 20-May 20)
Taurus, spending all of your money on Proactiv solution will
not make you look like Jessica Simpson. You don’t even have
acne for Christ’s sake. Plus you’re, what, 340 pounds? And a
man? On the bright side, I’d say you’re almost as smart as she
(May 21 –June 20)
Gemini, you needn’t worry yourself about the North Korean missile
tests. Even that Taepodong can’t make it far enough to reach
the contiguous 48 states. Oh, wait—you moved to Anchorage, didn’t
you? Oh. Well. Nice knowing you, Gemini.