July 6 - Aug 8, 2006
ISSUE #104
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Killing for Peace
"Premature" ceasefires and other wacky nonsense
Al Uthman

Oprah Akbar
BTUs & CSI are our best weapons against terrorism
Donnie Dobovich

Suport our Unborn Troops
An Evangelical Editorial by Ian Murphy

Are You Anti-Semitic?
Das BEAST Pop Quiz!

Heard the Good News?
Real messages of apocalyptic hope


Local AM station bans BEAST after severe panty-bunching incident

Of BANANAs & Bonobos
BEAST scores watery blow against acronym proliferation


Page 3 New & Improved Sabres Jersey

Kino Korner: Movies
Lady in the Water, Clerks II, Little Man, My Super Ex-Girlfriend, Strangers With Candy

Your cosmic fortune in insult form.

[sic] - Letters
Bad Cop, Coulter, Pastries and more Moses

Support Our Unborn Troops
An Evangelical Editorial
Ian Murphy

Would you step on a helpless caterpillar, destroying its chance of becoming a beautiful butterfly? Would you stunt the growth of your children with cigarettes and heroin, killing your dream of grooming them into moneymaking tennis pros? Would you cook an omelet with bald eagle eggs, depriving the world one of God's most majestic creatures - even if you had an unclaimed excess in deepfreeze that you were just going to throw out anyway? Would you stab Lord Christ in both eyes with red-hot hedge clippers? Of course not, so why kill a potential life for the benefit of an existing one? Especially a life that may yet grow up to defend your freedom from the multiplying terrorist hordes. Hordes that will only continue increasing in number, due to the benevolent presence of yet other unborn American occupiers. It is the opinion of this pundit that only the most treasonous could fail to support the sanctity of the lives of the potential future troops.

With the first veto of his presidency, Bush has once again demonstrated his sharp moral clarity and intellectual prowess, proving himself as a leader with a keen grasp of scientific and geopolitical ethics. By striking down a wayward bill for federally funded stem cell research, W is not only obeying the will of God and playing to the GOP's evangelical base, but also helping to create our next generation of Iraq liberators. Though it has not been confirmed that the administration has an actionable plan for spawning a stem cell army, it is clearly in the national interest to thaw all embryonic stem cells and shove them into vacant American box across the heartland - for the defense of the nation. By forcibly implanting all fertile trailer trash in the red states, we could birth us up a military force capable of certain global hegemony! We would be foolish not to. After all, it would help stem the rampant sin of menstruation. Oh, those poor defenseless eggs, all they ever wanted was a chance to combine their genetic material with an intrepid spermatozoa and develop sentience, and now they're in hell, shining the hooves of Satan. Breaks the heart almost as much as the thought of the terrorists destroying our values.

These United States are by all accounts stuck in an intractable quagmire until the end of all time. The president has clearly stated our policy to stay the course in Iraq, and with military recruitment numbers still in the dumpster, we are going to need those brave American blastocysts to promote democracy in the Middle East and beyond. The War on Terror has no end in sight, as we trend toward calling certain folks terrorists and others allies, irrespective to either party's actions. It's the new Red Scare. A new game of Islamofascist dominos.

It would be a shame to waste human life before it can be wasted where God intended: on the battlefield. Both Iraq and Afghanistan continue to tailspin into chaos and sectarian violence. There's Al Qaeda, Hezbollah, Hamas, oh my. And let's not forget the other 40 some odd nations hosting U.S. troops internationally. Plus, it takes a lot of manpower to run the permanent bases we have spread across some 50 countries worldwide. Growing tensions with quantifiably evil regimes such as Syria, Iran and N. Korea may yet add extra helpings to our military plate. With global powers struggling to control dwindling petroleum supplies and other natural resources, we won't need just active combat units but also unknown amounts of special forces operatives to train numerous worldwide death squads and proxy armies in places like Somalia, Ethiopia, Venezuela and oil rich Nigeria. And for the love of Jesus, let's not forget the amount of soldiers required to operate clandestine terrorist detention camps around the globe! I cannot bear to think of a tussle with Russia or China. Now that's a tall order! It's a tough moral dilemma: the cure for Parkinson's or the death of freedom and a reign of tyranny. It is safe to say the president made the right call.

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