John Tucker Must Die

It goes without saying that most movies defy logic. For the sake of entertainment, we are more often that not willing to throw realism out the window for the pleasure of inhabiting another world for a couple hours. I've rationalized such bizarre, dumb and pointless plots that in reality would perhaps have made a decent commercial or some kind of twisted PSA in which Nancy Naples pops up about halfway through.

There are some movies that have a life and a logic all their own. Casablanca, American Beauty and Good Burger just to name a few. But just because they appear to almost have their own consciousness doesn't mean it's good or beautiful. It can be downright ugly or mean.

Take John Tucker Must Die. Good-natured teen sex comedy, right? Teenage man-whore tries to play a triple header, they all find out and he learns a valuable lesson about life and love? Not at all.

John Tucker Must Die is a hateful, hateful movie. I read it was banned in Malaysia for crissakes! That's a fact. And now I know why. It made my friend Elizabeth Canfield pregnant! She got roped in by her Guilty Pleasures club that she watches Desperate Housewives with. John Tucker is on the show and it was all downhill from there. She's a week pregnant, the movie came out last week and the only person she's getting busy with is herself, so there you go. Elizabeth is having an abortion benefit at the end of August if you want to help out. She said she'd keep the baby if she was watching Mr. and Mrs. Smith when it happened. I was scared as to what might happen to me if I saw this thing. Oh, and door prizes after a silent Chinese auction. Open bar, too.

To try and crack the code on it, I had to figure it out (sorry). I asked Leslie down at Style Lab on Elmwood how could this movie be wreaking havoc on its audience like this. Or was it just that full of testosterone on a Chuck Norris level? She stood silent and put some combs in a jar of that blue shit. She told me to go see it already and to quit being such a POD*. So I did.

All I saw was John Tucker, a teenage man-whore who tries to pull a triple header. They all find out and as fate would have it, one of them knows Nelly. So he chases down John Tucker throughout the rest of the movie in a hate-filled and meth-induced rage. Tries to kill him for the better part of an hour and a half and on top of a straight-up thug on his ass, Tucker has the girls he screwed over hitting him from all sides. He's like the white bread version of Scarface or something. Sorry to say none of that really happened, but I wish I saw that. I just saw a teenage man-whore. You know, triple header. Valuable lessons. That kind of thing. But I'm told insane people love it¯!

* Piece of Douche

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Talladega Nights | Miami Vice | The Night Listener
The Descent | Scoop | John Tucker Must Die

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