Aug 9 - Sep 7, 2006
ISSUE #105
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Features

Sympathy for the Beagle
Chinese dissidents yearn to be treated like dogs
Allan Uthman

DICKLESS
David Brooks donates genitals in noble pursuit of status quo
Matt Taibbi

HILL ON FIRE
Hillary Clinton copulates with the ghost of Richard Nixon
Matt Taibbi

Happy Hiroshima
John Hershey's Hiroshima turns 60
Alexander Zaitchik

Happy Election 2008
An Exclusive BEAST Preview
Josh Bunting

Local BEAST

Buffalo in Briefs
Kunz Goldman: keepin' it real ... dumb
Ian Murphy

Alt Weakly
The BEAST grades the remodeled Rochester Insider
Brian Sek

Violent Femmes
Thursday in the Square
Reviewed By a Preachy Christian Asshole

Departments

Sprouting Sweet Potato

Kino Korner: Movies
Talladega Nights, Miami Vice, The Night Listener, The Descent, Scoop, John Tucker Must Die

BEAST-O-Scopes
As divined by your etheral guide

[sic] - Letters
Mad Maximalist, The Man Without a Case, The Passion of The Wrist and more


 


Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

I can understand why youd set a whole bunch of skateboard wipe-outs to music â after all, you just got Adobe Premier, and of course Stile Project always needs content. But most folks who do this sort of thing use hardcore music that actually GOES with the action. Nobody wants to watch juvenile delinquents land crotch-first on a railing to the tune of ¿Somebodys Getting Marriedî from The Muppet Movie. At least try and match the aesthetic, Leo.


Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)

Let me give you some advice, Virgo. Yes, ¿City Of Heroesî looks like a lot of fun. But trust me, once you install it on your computer, you can kiss your Nobel Prize goodbye. Didnt you learn your lesson from ¿EverQuest,î ¿Star Wars Galaxies,î or, most ironically, ¿The Matrix Onlineî? Theyre going to have to peel you off your office chair with the Jaws of Life eventually if you get that game. My advice: make friends with someone else who has it on THEIR computer, and offer to buy pizza.


Libra (Sept 23 -Oct 22)

Libra, its one thing to complain about a lack of respect in the workplace if youre a teacher, a lawyer, or a chef. But youre a prostitute, and might I add not even a very good one. Ive seen unplugged Shop-Vacs that provide better suction, and not just because they dont stop to whine about ¿respectî every two minutes. Face it, youre pretty far from strong or invincible, so quit roaring and take it all, or get a job at Wal-Mart like everyone else.


Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)

Okay, Scorpio, its bubble-bursting time. While it is true that both you and Einstein were dyslexics with a history of failing math classes, Einstein went on to prove his genius by developing the Theory of Relativity. The smartest thing youve ever done was figure out how to steal cable, and even that required more than one try. Mental disorders are not proof of intellectual potential, so either invent something cool or shut up and finish bagging my groceries.


Sagittarius (Nov 22 - Dec 21)

Sagittarius, give me a break. Thats not a motorcycle, thats a bonsai F-1 jet. It has a trunk, a stereo, a CB connection with a microphone in the helmet, a giant windshield, two full-sized bucket seats, four gigantic storage compartments, and a little matching trailer. Doesnt that kind of defeat the whole purpose of getting a motorcycle? Just get a car, prick.


Capricorn (Dec 22 - Jan 19)

Yes, Nobody cares that youre bored, Capricorn, and even if they did, they probably arent checking out your MySpace page repeatedly to find out just how bored. These pathetic cries for attention will forever go unheeded, so long as you insist on eschewing fun, interesting content for badly-metered poems about ennui and web-cam pictures of your new dye job. Actually, Capricorn, thats not entirely accurate: You may interest someone whose life is even more pathetic than yours, like a predatory stalker or two.


Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)

Aquarius, the real reason we cook meat is to kill germs and parasites. But Mad Cow Disease isnt even caused by germs or parasites - its caused by these things called prions that cannot be killed, because they technically arent alive to begin with. You could soak a mad cow burger in napalm and torch it into a charcoal briquet, and while the burger itself probably wont taste too good, the prions will still be there. So ordering your steak well-done is kind of useless - unless of course, you enjoy paying 15.00 for a piece of chewy shoe leather.


Pisces (Feb 19-March 20)

Yeah, I know ¿City Of Heroesî is a lot of fun, but trust me, letting Virgo come over and play once in a while will be mutually beneficial for both of you. For one thing, itll give you time to take a shower and see what day of the week it is. Another reason: Virgo can totally be guilted into paying for take-out. All you gotta do is remind him how much youre paying for the subscription. You could probably earn back twice what you pay in the form of General Tsos Chicken, plus catch up on news and current events. And isnt it time you at least called your boss back to let him know you arent dead?


Aries (March 21-April 19)

OK, Aires, whats the big deal, harassing my current girlfriend like that? Look, we broke up for a reason - because youre a jealous, obsessive hag who wouldnt let me talk to my female friends anymore. Now that we arent an item, you have even less of a reason to harp on me or my female acquaintances. Get a hobby or something.


Taurus (April 20-May 20)

eah, Taurus, I sure do miss some of those great ’80s cartoons, like G.I. Joe and Thundercats. I often have fond memories of waking up early on a Saturday morning, to catch He-Man, the Snorks, Kid Video, Garfield, and so on. However, Im pretty sure that YOU are the only person who thought Captain Planet was cool. The rest of us thought it was just plain stupid. You should also be ashamed of yourself for watching Rainbow Brite â and you know why.

 


Gemini (May 21 -June 20)

First off, its clearly not your birthday. How do I know? Because, GEMINI, Im psychic and shit. Anyways, it doesnt matter, because you arent getting any money out of me. I dont care how loudly my pockets jingle; it doesnt entitle you to my hard-earned quarters. I have laundry to do, a problem I see you couldnt possibly empathize with.


Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Sure, Cancer, The Beatles were great. The Doors were interesting. The Beach Boys had their moments. However, its time to move on. I agree â most modern pop music is complete trash. However, refusing to give anything a chance unless Jerry Garcia collaborated with it doesnt make you ¿selective,î so much as it makes you ¿narrow-minded.î Also, scouring the internet to find 3000 bootleg concert recordings of the Moody Blues singing the SAME DAMN SONGS over and over does not count as ¿discovering new music.î



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