Aug 9 - Sep 7, 2006
ISSUE #105
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Features

Sympathy for the Beagle
Chinese dissidents yearn to be treated like dogs
Allan Uthman

DICKLESS
David Brooks donates genitals in noble pursuit of status quo
Matt Taibbi

HILL ON FIRE
Hillary Clinton copulates with the ghost of Richard Nixon
Matt Taibbi

Happy Hiroshima
John Hershey's Hiroshima turns 60
Alexander Zaitchik

Happy Election 2008
An Exclusive BEAST Preview
Josh Bunting

Local BEAST

Buffalo in Briefs
Kunz Goldman: keepin' it real ... dumb
Ian Murphy

Alt Weakly
The BEAST grades the remodeled Rochester Insider
Brian Sek

Violent Femmes
Thursday in the Square
Reviewed By a Preachy Christian Asshole

Departments

Sprouting Sweet Potato

Kino Korner: Movies
Talladega Nights, Miami Vice, The Night Listener, The Descent, Scoop, John Tucker Must Die

BEAST-O-Scopes
As divined by your etheral guide

[sic] - Letters
Mad Maximalist, The Man Without a Case, The Passion of The Wrist and more


MAD MAXIMALIST

You are a godsend.

The Zionist Neocon Conspiracy keeps insisting that in 1948 the Palestinians were offered their own state but rejected it in favor of killing all the Jews and appropriating Israel. According to this vile Hebrew myth, it was during their attempt to recreate the Holocaust that the Palestinians were geographically dispossessed

However, you - Al Uthman - have indisputable proof of the truth, which is that the Palestinians were "expelled" by the Diabolical Circumcised Slayers Of Our Savior. [ŔKilling for Peace, issue #105]

Armed with such evidence, I will be able to vanquish the heretofore omnipotent AIPAC and return control of Congress to America's long-oppressed Gentile majority.

Please forward this most important of all documentation STAT!

podvin

Mel Gibson replies:

Hi, podvin, the Gibster here. Maybe it´s the booze talking, but I like the cut of your jib. If we had more people like you around during the Holocaust, there´d be a better chance that the world would be completely war-free at this point. Have you ever thought about going into the movie business? Your ability to rewrite history and smear those who don´t agree with you as Nazi lunatics reminds me of my own work on The Patriot. Give me a call sometime and we´ll have a few drinks and discuss the possibility of working with each other in the future. Your cogent arguments have no doubt shaken and impressed Al Uthman, and I´m sure he will waste no time in responding to your repeated, increasingly insulting and hysterical e-mails.

 

THE MAN WITHOUT A CASE

Dear Beast,

am I an anti-semite [ŔAre you Anti-Semitic?, issue #105]? Possibly, I think we all are¬alittle bit, don't you? Just as we are all a little rascist (some alot), a little gay (some alot), a little fucked in the brain (some- Ann {the rancorous quaffered old sow} Coulter- alot). It's not a question of whether you're anti-semite or not, it's a question of whether or not you can get Fox News to say that despite blaming Jews for all the wars in the world, you are still not an anti-semite.

Oh yeah the Israeli "final solution" to the Arab question is moving along by leaps and bounds. Don't try too hard to ridicule the agressor, otherwise I won't be able to watch semite smite semite, and that's great TV!

Rob.

Dear Rob,Certainly, the most important goal in foreign policy should be to produce entertaining television, but we would take issue with your assertion that we are all a little anti-Semitic. Clearly Mel Gibson is shit-assed loony anti-Semitic.

 

BRAVE-FART

All Lethargy In Sobriety Feels Angst!¬ Try Attacking Niggers!¬ Don't Dominate Underground Mediocre Bias.¬ Everyone Attacks Terrorists Sitting Here!¬ Intelligence Triumphs!¬ Al Eats Farts!

Sean McGarry

Dear Sean,

Troubled? Anxious? Find yourself writing nonsense e-mails and sending them to minor publications? Help is finally here. Ask your doctor about punching yourself in the face.

 

THE BLOWED WARRIOR

Hey Donnie,

¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬ You hit the nail on the head with your piece "Oprah Akbar!" [issue #105] You forgot one thing though and that is PORNO. "Hey young suicide bomber yer gettin a Dell dude. Yeah and free internet access to all of the best porno your confused mind can stand. Here's the deal pal, forget about the 27 virgins in heaven if you blow yourself up in a crowded shopping mall. If you don't blow yourself up you can have 27 porno stars right now, while you are alive!"

¬¬¬¬ How about porno interactive video games young Yussef? jeez the possibilities are endless when it comes to combating terrorism. If we start to corrupt the youth over there like we do here, maybe in twenty years terrorism will become extinct. Remember this young Yussef, there ain't no porno up there, that's why we watch it here.

Norm

PS Keep up the good work. The Beast rules!

Dear Norm,

Great pointŮInternet porn has a vastly debilitating effect on users, weakeningtheir ambition, sapping their energy, and generally turning them into lazy, reclusiveendorphin junkies. Or so we hear.

 

THE PASSION OF THE WRIST

I¬remember when I was a kid, there was a special cupboard above our refrigerator. You know the one I mean. The "high up" one you cant reach that usually kept the liquor. We had some old ass liquor that was up there for years. (My mother never drank, I've never seen her take so much as a sip of alcohol.) We had some dusty wine glasses. But alas we also had...the deck of nekkid lady playing cards.

I have no idea how I found these, I must have been like 7 or 8. But on the rare occasion my parents would leave me home very briefly for them to run to the store, I'd climb onto the area next to the sink and rifle through the forbidden cupboard to bask in the glow of the cards.

Now that I think back...these cards were AWFUL, man. They must have been from like 1979. Big bushes, huge fro-y hair, sloppy tits. All dressed up in that awful lingerie with the straps and shit all over it, euuch. But at 8 and 9 years old, it was like finding gold, baby. My lilllll' pants would get that funny feeling and shit in them.

The best part is, the fuckin plastic card case was all dusty. I dont think my father had touched these awful things since he bought them, he probably forgot they were in there. But I fuckin treated the operation like Tom Cruise breaking in to get the NOC list from the first Mission Impossible movie. I made sure to not put like any fingerprints on the dusty cover, make sure the cards were laid in EXACTLY straight and even, most of the time going so far as to not even take the cards out of order. Although occassionally I'd mix some up, and be like "OH MY GOD...." completely panicking. Because I was fucking SURE my dad came home every time and immediately checked the naked lady cards, checked the order and did a fingerprint and dust analysis on them. Like the CSI: Buffalo squad would come in and toss the house, that's what it felt like when you were little.

Then there was the guilt. I was always 90% sure my dad knew anyways, or knew that I had gone up there. (Of course he didnt) So my parents would come home, and for a couple of hours I would like avoid them and not be able to look them in the eye. Like "So....how was the store..." I didnt know how to act natural, didnt know how to react to anything they said, I was sure they were just waiting for that moment to sit me down and give me the naked lady talk.

I mean these fucking cards hadnt been touched by anyone but me for like 10 years, there were spiders and moths living in the fucker but I was sure it was the focus of my father's life, to find out if anyone had molested the cards. What an ass I was.

I wonder what happened to those cards. I wonder if my dad took them when he moved out for future generations of curious youngsters to peruse and put them up in the "naughty cupboard". He should have given them to me, like a family heirloom so my pre pubescent boys could rifle through them. Then think how I could torture them when I got home, I could be like "Hmmmm....I feel like playing some cards tonight..." and shit.

Oh wait, I'm never having kids. Like Momma Frattelli says in Goonies: "Kids suck."

--Luke Allein

Dear Luke,Yes, we agreeŮpornography and sexual shame are gifts to be handed down through the generations. As it ever was, so shall it be.¬

 

TURD ON A WIRE

[Sick]

Well, it's finally happening.¬ Despite the'you're an asshole; NO, YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE! rhetoric' that is being displayed in the Beast's [sic] column, it is becoming increasingly clear that the underground lovefest betwixt Paul Fallon and Jamie Moses is entering into the'I Hate you, No! I hate you!' playground infatuation stage.¬ Inevitably, the insecure pussies will find a common ground.¬ And the homogenization of the Beast will continue.............

I fear the future!

Sincerely,

The Tin Man

Jamie Moses responds:

I find your fears to be analogous to an amputated boxer, or perhaps a better metaphor would be the microbes that defeated the Martians in War of the Worlds. At any rate, I envision a world wherein Artvoice and The BEAST may coexist peacefully, like two separate automobiles parked on a single lift system. I can attest to Mr. Fallon´s staunch independence, as my entreaties for him to put a photo of my daughter on this issue´s cover were to no avail. All I can say is I don´t read The BEAST, especially the items about me, or which peripherally refer to me, like the one a couple of issues ago about Mike Niman, which was pretty good, even though I never read it. I´m too busy crusading against urea and parking to worry about that kind of thing. I wish my competitors the best of luckŮif they become successful, I look forward to purchasing them and shutting them down.

 

WHAT WOMEN DON´T WANT

Dear Beast,

Do you agree with any of these statements?

-Sexism sucks.

-Shari'a and clitoridectomy are fucking bogus and should be eradicated off the face of the earth.

-Martha Stewart is a rich bitch who deserved to go to jail for breaking the law.

-A lot of women would willingly marry a guy solely for financial security, while the opposite is not an option for most men, who have to be married to their jobs to have worth in society.

-Deadbeat dads are careless assholes and/or people caught between a financial burden and a society that offers them miserable, stressful jobs where they're always disposable.

-The term "patriarchy" is increasingly meaningless in the first world and the US, when you examine gender disparities outside of corporate achievement (where working class men suffer the poorest life expectancy, workplace conditions, health care, protection in the criminal justice system, highest imprisonment and homelessness, and least availability of social programs that help those problems, out of all members of society.)

-Substituting the label "patriarchy" for "ruling class" may make you a sucker for the ideological bait & switch of PC assimilationism.

Just wondering.¬ When I bring up the Beast amongst some hip, educated, progressive people, there's a pretty common response- "they're sexist".¬ I haven't heard any specifics, except a story about some mean guy on your staff who went out with some girl and used the paper as a platform to call her a low-down nasty ho in print.¬ Is it true, do you think your bitches ain't good for nothin but makin coffee and hustlin booty?¬ I notice your staff has a marked lack of vaginas.¬ Whatcha gonna do to appeal to chicks?

-Spanky McGee III

Dear Spanky,

As far as we can tell, chicks are attracted to all kinds of ignorant Neanderthals, so maybe introducing a Ŕgirls rubbing their boobs against each other photo spread would do the trick. Conversely, one staffer suggests a regular column called ŔWhy I´m ashamed of my penis, but it strikes us that using the word Ŕpenis may be considered offensive. By the way, it may be true that there aren´t many women on staff here, but there are plenty of vaginasŮseveral of our writers have turned out to be hermaphrodites. It´s quite a ponderous coincidence. Are you seriously asking us if we´re pro-clitoridectomy?

 

LETHAL SCHLEPPIN´

Editors,

I will kill to write for you guys. KILL! Heed my words.

Alphonzo Stein


Dear Alphonzo,Words are cheap. Especially those of a BEAST writer.

 

WE WERE SCOLDERS

(Dear editor withhold my name, number and address please and although I don´t think there is a reason you should censor any part of my letter feel free to do so if it will get to be published at least; that is my goal thank you.)¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬

This is just another complaint letter that I decided to writebecause I thought that maybe some average joe out there might care. This is concerninga certain Judge in our nearby suburbs. This person thinks that he's the boss,the lord of his manor and we his slaves. I had some minor speeding tickets inthe Town and the Judge would not even knock down any of them. He treated me withutter disrespect and looked down at me like I was an animal. I've always hadno previous arrest record and am only a student trying to finish college.

I've also heard from reliable sources that his son is a Judge in another town, which I won't name. What is going on here? How did his son reach such a high position? Are we a nation that only caters to the rich and privileged? Without democracy this nation would crumble, wither and die. Democracy, believe me, is what makes America great.

No Judge can mistreat us citizens because we the people have the power. Not you Judge.

I have another point I feel is important to share. My hope in the freedom of the press has yet again been shattered. Will you throw my letter in the trash like the Buffalo news or are you going to listen to me editor? That paper, I should have known, is part of the elite of this city also. The Elite always stick together like a dirty filthy gang therefore they couldn´t speak against this Judge whom they´ve probably had many cocktail parties with. Don´t this elite group feel any sympathy for the hundreds and thousands of people busting their butts working regular jobs or sweating gallons of sweat working construction or roofing in this 100 degree summer weather? They don´t and they just laugh at you reader and laugh at all of us. Don´t let this Judge and Buffalo News treat you like crap. Email them and write to them if you have any problems that concern you and keep Democracy alive.

Dear Dumbass,

Wow, this is really a wake-up call to us all! What kind of society are we living in when a measly judge feels like he can just hold someone accountable for speeding? This is an outrage of judicial activism. Well, the Buffalo News may not have the spine for it, but we at The BEAST will summon our courage and contact this Judge├ Judge├ oh yeah, you didn´t mention his name, dipshit! What are you expecting people to do, e-mail angry tirades to a_certain_judge_in_our_nearby_suburbs@aol.com? You got busted speeding. That´s not a travesty, it´s a pain in the assŮand so are you.

 



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