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ISSUE #106
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Features
ArrowThe 51 Funniest Things
About 9-11

The BEAST 5 year fun-a-versary tribute!
Ian Murphy

ArrowThe End was Nigh
Just ask Glenn Beck & Karl Rove
Matt Taibbi

ArrowIronic Accuracy
Rumsfeld gets it exactly backwards
Allan Uthman

ArrowSemtex on a Plane
A brief guide for the aspiring terrorist
Alexander Zaitchik

ArrowJourney to the Center of
the Center

USA Today’s Commonground
Chris Famighetti

ArrowOff With Their Heads
Democrats walk themselves to the gallows
Matt Taibbi

ArrowAmericans Reluctant To Help Fake-Sounding "Darfur"
Josh Righter

Local BEAST
ArrowAnonymous for Senate
Opposition who?
Allan Uthman
Departments

ArrowThe Beast Page 3
Inevitable Untimely Death

ArrowKino Korner: Movies
Little Miss Sunshine, World Trade Center, Accepted, Pulse, Snakes On a Plane, Zoom, Material Girls

ArrowBEAST-O-Scopes
As divined by your ethereal guide

Arrow[sic] - Letters
Googlophobia, Local Man Likes Bar, Ho Defends Pimp, Bucky Balls and more

The 51 Funniest Things about 9-11
The BEAST 5 Year Fun-A-Versary Tribute!
By Ian Murphy

WTC1) According to a Washington Post poll, 30% of Americans don’t know in which year 9-11 occurred. Zing!

2) Knock, knock. Who’s there? 9-11. 9-11 who? You’re unpatriotic.

3) Two planes walk into a building… Ha-cha-cha!

4) Take my civil liberties, please.

5) What is the deal with the Pentagon? Who are these people?

6) The Patriot Act was written before 9-11. Is this thing on?

7) The NSA first contacted US telephone carriers about data-mining well before 9-11. Can you hear me now?

8) Why did the chicken cross the road? … to escape debris falling from the north tower.

9) Freedom Walks:  “Ah! Where’s it going?”

10) Encouraged by the White House shortly after 9-11, the EPA released a report glossing over poor air quality in lower Manhattan, entitled “Coughing up is freedom.”

11) The NORAD blooper reel:
WATSON: What?
DOOLEY: Whoa!
WATSON: What was that?
ROUNTREE: Is that real-world?
DOOLEY: Real-world hijack.
WATSON: Cool!

12) We actually are infidels. Yes! You are correct, sir!

13) You have since been beaten into fearful submission. Ba-dum-bum!

14) Every time the phrase “post 9-11 world” is uttered, Rupert Murdoch involuntarily craps a solid-gold Jack Bauer action figure.

15) The 28 redacted pages of The 9-11 Commission Report were likely used as kindling for a “wicked-awesome” bonfire at Bandar Bush’s semi-annual Saudi collusion beach party and wet T-shirt contest.

16) Despite staying 7 long minutes in a Florida classroom reading to second graders after being told of the attack by Chief of Staff Andy Card, George W. Bush has yet to finish The Pet Goat, deciding instead to wait for the movie.

17) That time Little Eichmann stirred your coffee with his junk: oh man, you should have seen the look on your Reichstag - classic!

18) “I’ll take ‘Idiotic Ideas,’ for $500, Alex. Unveiled in 2002, this colorful farce helps to spread the fear, but also alerts terrorist to when the government will be dedicating more manpower to foil their plans.  (beep-beep-beep) The Homeland Security Advisory System. I’m sorry you forgot to phrase your answer in the form of a question.

19) Osama bin Laden and Scotty Pippen have never been seen in the same room together:  coincidence?

20) The upcoming ABC miniseries “The Path to 9-11,” largely obfuscates blame of the Bush administration, instead focusing on the failures of accused JonBenet Ramsey killer John Mark Karr. 

21) In honor of the fifth year anniversary, Tom Bergeron will horrify viewers of “AFV” by adding sound effects and hackneyed falsetto commentary to a 9-11 montage: “Looks like somebody needs a few more flying lessons…BOING!” The 9-11 clip will lose to a rottweiler chewing its own genitals.

22) Psychic Sylvia Brown really dropped the ball.

23) Many Afghani children are haunted by the ghost of Pat Tillman’s grotesquely muscular neck.

24) In the 5 years after 9-11, American workers have seen their wages decline to the lowest percentage of GDP since 1948. And you wondered why you couldn’t afford that “freedom isn’t free” bumper sticker.

25) There are more terrorists now than before 9-11. Wait: let me start over – there are more terrorists now… shit! There are more… goddamn it! This one isn’t funny.

26) While US occupation forces are fond of blasting “Flight of the Valkyries” during missions, occupation-borne Iraqi death squads operate to the tune of “Yakety Sax,” although this has nothing to do with 9-11.

27) Many conspiracy theorists, following the principle of qui bono, have taken to alleging the involvement of airline stock short-sellers, as well as Toby Keith and Clint Black.

28) In a comic afterlife mix up, the “falling man” received a divine reward of 72 virgins, leaving United 175 hijacker Marwan Yousef al-Shehhi with only one dog-eared copy of Swank.

29) Compared to the devastation of Hiroshima, 9-11 looks like a puddle of goldfish spit. Funny because it’s true.

30) The United States is still the world’s leading exporter of terrorism. U-S-A! U-S-A! We’re #1! We’re #1!

31) Yo momma’s so fat; she went to Dulles airport and got hijacked by Islamofacists with box cutters!

32) Yo momma’s so inept at fighting terrorism; she got promoted by the FBI and the CIA!

33) Yo momma’s so easy; she’ll go down for fewer logical reasons than WTC 7! “Oh no he d-in’t!”

34) You ever notice the white 9-11 be all “um, pardon me, sir” and the black 9-11 be all “nigga, please!”

35) Of the people who recorded the 2nd WTC  impact, many wish they had said something profound like “oh the humanity,” rather than repeatedly shouting “fuck,” “shit,” “holy shit” and “holy fucking shit.”

36) Able Danger:  Top secret military intelligence program begun in 1999 to gather info on transnational terrorism, “specifically al Qaeda,” identified Mohamed Atta and 3 of the 19 hijackers prior to the attacks, contradicting the willfully uninformed findings of the 9/11 Commission. We would feel a little less suspicious about the program had it been called Disable Danger, perhaps. Heyo!

37) No fly lists:  protecting us from infants with names similar to known terrorists.

38) Somewhere in America, a bowling league team has “Let’s Roll” embroidered in cursive across their breast pockets.

39) What did Paul Wolfowitz get when he first heard of the attacks? An erection!

40) Seriously folks, Dick Cheney’s underground bunker is so deep (Senate Subcommittee on Intelligence: “How deep is it?”), it is so deep - the door is in China! That’s China, folks (crane neck, loosen tie, make uncomfortable nasal sound).

41) If you still think Saddam Hussein had any involvement in the 9-11, you just might be a redneck.

42) If you succumbed to Rovian tactics of fear-mongering and repeatedly voted against your own interests, you just might be a redneck.

43) In the 12th dimension, which is predicted by string theory, 9-11 was merely a puppy tussling with an old pair of slippers, in the mind of a gnat riding a raft made of string beans into the center of the Milky Way.

44) Since the invasion of Afghanistan toppled the Taliban, opium is so readily available that one could easily postulate that in the 12th dimension 9-11 was merely a puppy tussling with an old pair of slippers, in the mind of a gnat riding a raft made of string beans into the center of the Milky Way.

45) Due to advanced hearing loss, an elderly couple in New Hampshire spent a good portion of that morning believing that the terrorists flew airplanes into Tyrone Power. (crickets…)

46) Although some eyewitnesses claim to have smelled Cordite (a compound used for ammunition) at the attack on the pentagon, the source of the distinct odor has since been linked to Donald Rumsfeld’s aftershave. 

47) In response to the attacks, US military planners worked diligently on a scheme to nuke the moon because, as Under Secretary of Defense for Policy Douglas Feith put it, “Who gives a fuck about the moon anyway?”

48) According to a Rasmussen poll, most Americans believe the “Downing Street Memo” is a dry, deadpan BBC comedy. “Care to discuss fixed intel over tea, Nigel? (pregnant pause) Yes, quiet (canned laughter).” But again, this has nothing to do with 9-11. Am I right folks, or am I right?

49) You ever notice whenever you go to the grocery store; you always get the shopping cart that crashes in a field in Shanksville, PA?

50) 911 is the only prime number which can be divided by fear. Wocka-wocka-wocka!

51) Okay, seriously folks: you’ve been a great, docile and totally obedient audience; give yourselves a round of applause – or the terrorists will get you! Good night!

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