The Beast Page 3
Inevitable Untimely Death

Name: Steve Irwin

Turn-ons: Biology, peril, anti-venom, Kylie Minogue

Turn-offs: Paul Hogan, PETA, soft-spoken wildlife documentarians, being pierced in the heart

How I got to be The BEAST Page 3 Inevitable Untimely Death: Crikey! Who’d ‘ave guessed that taunting dangerous animals for a living would be so ‘azardous?

Future Plans: I expect the first few years of the afterlife will go something like the last few days—lots of other souls drifting past me and laughing behind my back. But I’m planning a big comeback, pestering the eternal souls of exotic predators.

How I’d like to be remembered: Well I certainly ‘ope it isn’t by the now-macabre FedEx commercial where I pretend to die from a snakebite! Also not by the time I tried to feed my newborn child to a crocodile in front of an ‘orrified crowd! Crikey, that was a real crackup! I guess just as a right charming lad who really knew how to piss off animals.