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ISSUE #107
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Features

ArrowGreat Gaffes Through the Ages
A comprehensive list

ArrowWhy ask Why?
Five years after 9/11, the question remains unanswered
Matt Taibbi

ArrowExtreme History Makeover
Lynne Cheney and the rules of history
Christopher Famighetti

ArrowYour Tax Dollars at Work
In Washington, another tale of waste and fraud unpunished
Matt Taibbi

ArrowBaby Suri Hates You, Wants You Dead
Scott Brochert and Josh Righter

Local BEAST
ArrowCON
Tom Reynolds, WNY’s human colostomy bag
Allan Uthman
Departments

ArrowThe Beast Page 3
Obscure Racial Epithet

ArrowKino Korner: Movies
Hollywoodland, The Black Dahlia, The Covenant, The Last Kiss, Gridiron Gang, The Protector

ArrowBEAST-O-Scopes
As divined by your ethereal guide

Arrow[sic] - Letters
Gentleman Be Trippin', Hot Girl on Girl Misogyny, Our Illiterate Correspondent and more

Great Gaffes Through the Ages

The recent papal faux pas by Pope Benny the Whatever, quoting an ancient text damning Islam as a violent, evil religion, are not the first controversial comments in history to cause such fervent upheaval. Collected here for your edutainment is a comprehensive list of history’s biggest gaffes - felt round the world!

Lucy

 “Gerrr, grunt – sniff, sniff, whooooo!”

– Lucy, Australopithecus afarensis, 1.5 million B.C., at an afarensis pride rally.

Adam

“Women are inherently less intelligent than men. The historical record speaks for itself: she is made from my rib, and is easy fooled by talking serpents.”

- Adam 4000 B.C., to a crowd of puppy eyed lions.

Khufu

“No, it’s cool – when I die, you bury yourself alive to serve me in the afterlife. It will fun!”

- Egyptian Pharaoh Khufu (Cheops), 2545 B.C., at the great pyramid ground breaking.

Julius Caesar

“The Phoenicians can toss my salad.”

 - Julius Caesar, 52 B.C., event unknown.

King Hammurabi

“If a wife has a relationship with another man, both shall be tied and thrown into water, but the wife can be pardoned by her husband and given to the king as a slave – unless she’s a fatty, then she should be well clothed and killed.”

- King Hammurabi of Babylon, 1783 B.C., from “The code of Hammurabi.”

Jesus

“Everybody should be nice to each other – hey what are you doing? Ow! Hey, I golf with those wrists! Ahhh!”

- Jesus Christ, 34 After Him, while dying for your sins.

Theodoric the Great

“Visigoths are better at basketball than Ostrogoths. Modern science tells us this is because of their magic infused bones.”

- Theodoric the Great, 515 A.D., at a conference on race and athletics.

Pope Urban II

“What? Motherfucker, you know I’m infallible. If the Lord had intended for the pope to live as a celibate, he wouldn’t have made little boys so damn sexy!”

– Pope Urban II, 1092 A.D., from the papal coucil on pederasty.

William Shakespeare

“Hast thou ever rationed thusly: thine who’st believeth in tree spirits, hath not the keenest regard for tipping thine servant wenches?”

- William Shakespeare, 1612 A.D., back stage at the Globe Theatre.

Giordano Bruno

“Now settle-a-down nowa fellas, alls I’m-a-sayin isa that-a-the earth-a, she’sa revolve arounda the sun. Yousa wouldn’t burna a guy ata da stake with a moustache, would you?”

- Giordano Bruno, February 17, 1600, while on fire.

George Washington

“All men are created equal, except the ones that I own. And women—don’t get me started.”

- George Washington, 1776, while crossing the Delaware.

Sitting Bull

“Is it just me, or are white people assholes?”

- Sitting Bull, 1872 A.D., overheard in a peyote sweat lodge.

Frank Sinatra

“I’m more popular than Vishnu.”

- Frank Sinatra, 1944 A.D., at a 3 day croon-in.

Jesse Jackson

“I’ve rarely meet a kike that I like, whether named Hymie, or even named Mike.”

- Jesse Jackson, 1984 A.D., at a global summit on anti-Semitic pentameter.

 

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