The Beast Page 3
Obscure Racial Epithet

Name: “Macaca”

Turn-ons: Forcing Africans to speak French, being used as a code word for white supremacists “on the down low,” the new season of Survivor

Turn-offs: The liberal media, miscegenation, that damn “Head on” commercial

How I Became The BEAST Page 3 Obscure Racial Epithet: Well, if you listen to Virginia Senator George Allen, he just spontaneously made me up to describe the only dark person at a recent campaign event. But really, I mean, come on. Let’s look at the facts here: I’m an old racial slur used by French colonials in North Africa, and guess what? George Allen’s mom was born and raised in a French colony in North Africa. Allen himself used to keep a noose hanging in his law office and confederate flags draped the walls of his house. As governor of Virginia, he was closely associated with the Council of Conservative Citizens, a thinly veiled segregationist group. Allen didn’t make me up; he’s known me since he was a kid, and he knows exactly what I mean: macaque, as in the monkey. Not that I hate George or anything—I’ve been more popular in the last couple of weeks than in a very long time.

Future Plans: I’ll be bandied about in the press for a little while longer, and I plan to be the deciding factor in George Allen’s close victory in the Senate race. Then I’ll settle into a long slow burn as a semi-ironic slur passed between self-conscious racists in boardrooms and gyms throughout America.

How I want to be remembered: As a much more elegant slur than my crude American counterparts. French is such a beautiful language, n'est-ce pas?