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ISSUE #107
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Features

ArrowGreat Gaffes Through the Ages
A comprehensive list

ArrowWhy ask Why?
Five years after 9/11, the question remains unanswered
Matt Taibbi

ArrowExtreme History Makeover
Lynne Cheney and the rules of history
Christopher Famighetti

ArrowYour Tax Dollars at Work
In Washington, another tale of waste and fraud unpunished
Matt Taibbi

ArrowBaby Suri Hates You, Wants You Dead
Scott Brochert and Josh Righter

Local BEAST
ArrowCON
Tom Reynolds, WNY’s human colostomy bag
Allan Uthman
Departments

ArrowThe Beast Page 3
Obscure Racial Epithet

ArrowKino Korner: Movies
Hollywoodland, The Black Dahlia, The Covenant, The Last Kiss, Gridiron Gang, The Protector

ArrowBEAST-O-Scopes
As divined by your ethereal guide

Arrow[sic] - Letters
Gentleman Be Trippin', Hot Girl on Girl Misogyny, Our Illiterate Correspondent and more

[sic] Header

OUTRAGE-O-LICIOUS

The cover of the latest Beast featuring the 51 Funniest Things about 9/11 was the most unapologetically offensive thing I have ever seen in print. Absolutely loved it. The banana peel makes me giggle like a little girl everytime I looked at it. It indeed proves that one can judge a newspaper by its cover. Great issue through and through.

Wish I could read all the hate mail.
Jeff

Dear Jeff,
We wish you could read it too. Or at least someone who isn’t us.

 

TOUCHE, SIR

Your article about the 51 funniest things about 9/11 sucked.  I hope that you and the rest of the staff there rot in hell.  By the way your paper is shitty.

ngsniperace

Dear ngsniperace,
Your hope notwithstanding, the afterlife is nothing but a pacifying delusion for the weak-minded. Have a nice day.

 

GENTLEMAN BE TRIPPIN'

I recently read a copy of your material in which I noticed the word ''nigga'' was used. Now as the black person that I am, Iam really not feeling that shit. Iam very sure that your not african american so what gives you the reason and right to use the word ''nigga''? What kind of bullshit is that? Should I put out material and speak of you as a ''cracker''? You cant publish shit like that. How do you know black people call each other nigga, or even use the word for that matter. The word nigga caomes for nigger which means ignorant. Now I read all the material, including the end part were people send concerns and you talk about them. Put this email in your next paper and see how many people feel me. Dont use nigga or anything related to it, because not a person there has the balls to say that shit to my face, from you on down the fucking line. Now play with me, and I can show you a nigga.

letsgetit716

Dear letsgetit,

Your righteous missive has given us pause here at The BEAST, as few have. Have we really gone too far? I mean after all, the truth of your assertions cannot be disputed: it is obvious that for a black person to call white people "crackers" in the media--say, a televised standup comedy performance--would be an unprecedented outrage. These things simply are not done. And it goes without saying that we've never heard of an actual case of black people calling each other, um, the N-word. And obviously this was an unexpected offense, coming as it did in an otherwise benign essay making light of the World Trade Center attacks. But we have always embraced the principle of free speech, and are loathe to censor ourselves. After pondering this dilemma for some time, we realized there was only one soul who could definitively counsel us--the ghost of Richard Pryor. We spent that night freebasing around a Ouija board, repeatedly listening to Pryor's classic record That [N-word]'s Crazy! and eventually Pryor's spirit came to us. As our hands whipped around the board, a message began to emerge, which we recorded for posterity. We print it here, only modified by replacing the offending word which Pryor redefined with the more acceptable "gentleman":

"Gentleman have you lost your mind? Jesus motherfucking shit! My whole career coming up, gentlemen be telling me "you can't say that shit gentleman, you can't say this shit." And you know what I say to gentlemen like that now? I say 'suck my dick, gentleman!' Y'all gentlemen can't be listening to gentlemen like that, they just be looking for something to get pissed off about. Fuck all them gentleman, you dig me? All right, be cool now."

So sayeth Pryor, and so sayeth us all.

 

LOWERED EXPECTATIONS

I liked Allan's article on Tasini and Clinton a lot, especially the jabs at the NY Times endorsement editorial.

It is great to have your support of the critique Tasini is offerering. And very effective support!

All my best,
Steve

Oh yes Steve, very effective indeed. Who knows what portion of the whopping 17% Tasini drew in the primary can be attributed to us? At this rate, Tasini could take the nomination by 2096!

 

NOBODY LEAVES THE FAMILY

As great as your publication it does not work well with our clientele and my bosses would like me to cancel our subscription.  Can you please instruct me on how to go about doing that?  Thank you for your help in this matter.

Sue Hanover
That's Great News
Cheshire, CT

Dear Sue,
No Problem! Here at The BEAST, we always do our best to make things as easy as possible for our readers. To cancel your subscription, all you need to do is send a certified check for $176.00 to The BEAST, 712 Main St., Bflo, NY 14202, and your subscription will stop coming within 3-6 months. If you’d like to stop receiving The BEAST sooner than that, you should include an additional expediting fee of $52.00. And thanks for your support!

 

GREAT PLAN, POORLY EXECUTED

Hey,
After reading the (sic) column in your paper week after week, I couldn't help but notice that the majority of your write-in fans are semi-literate, moderately schizo, pathetic wanna-bes.  If I wanted to let you know how much I "love your stuff" and wanted to encourage you to "keep giving 'em shit", I wouldn't bore you with abysmal grammar and run on sentences.  Nope.  I'd send you twenty bucks in an envelope with a note that says: "Keep up the good work, fellas."
Joe Dutka
Niwot, Colorado

Dear Joe,
You, sir, are an effective thinker. It’s true, any jerk could see that twenty big ones would mean more to a starving satirist than an incoherent note of appreciation. We endorse your recommended course of action wholeheartedly. But where the fuck is our money, Joe? Are you telling us in a back-handed way that you do not love our stuff? Do you not want to encourage us to keep giving them shit? What is it, Joe? What can we do to change your mind? Again, where’s our damn money? Readers, don’t be like Joe here. Do as he says, not as he does. We’ll be waiting.

 

HITLERIOUS

The Big Lie was always the fascist way: the Nazis complaining about how evil those Czechs and Slovaks were, and how perilous the Austrians and the Poles, the Russians and the Jews.
This new ideological conflict smells too much of the one that tried ot bulldoze Europe, all in the name of saving the world from everyone else who was so hell-bent on world domination and destroying civilization as we know it...
Keep up the good work.

Geoff

Dear Geoff,
Wow, that’s amazing, man. You’ve really opened our eyes. So, what you’re telling us is, the Nazis used trumped up xenophobic threats to rally support and subdue criticism? And furthermore, you say, that parallels can be drawn between those tactics and the political rhetoric we hear from American leaders today? Wow. Hmm. It’s a good thing you came along, Geoff; without your uniquely astute historical perspective, we might totally have missed this important observation. Thank you, Geoff; thank you so, so much.

 

TOO SEXIST FOR OUR PANTS

Hello Beast,
Re:  "Ho Defends pimp":  I guess that self-described chick who didn't like my "inane nimrod" letter was confused about why it had stuffy, conflicting sexual politics rhetoric, in open-question form.  Well, if there's a better way to bring up politics that usually ARE stuffy, conflicting, and open-ended, said chick sure didn't offer one.  Her "Who Cares"? remark is an easy cop-out for a groupie asshole who prefers to only read about wacky pranks with bananas.  Please, keep doing those.  But don't lose your satirical backbone or stop working hard to make a good paper on a low budget.  Doesn't that take involvement with, you know, politics, and maybe even Caring About What People Think?

That's why I wrote, in my ass-backward way, to mention People Who Think You're Sexist.  (Yes, hip, educated, progressive people, including journalists, lawyers and others whose opinions matter to me and could matter to you.)  It doesn't seem fair to me either, you're not right wing, and I would never suggest pandering to ladies with pie recipes to avoid such a label.  It seems to have flown over that replier's head that a letter about "contradiction in PC-ism" is Not Seriously Asking For Shit Like Pie Recipes.  I dislike identity politics, it's symbol over substance (a woman president would be great, but not pro-war Hillary).  Putting things in terms of human rights and a working class perspective makes me much happier.

In closing, it's cool that some women like you, and I don't know if it matters that some don't (that's for you to figure out), but your paper IS fine the way it is.  I hope you get lots more sloppy praise from Ms. Ladd.  I'll let her guess which multi-page article you printed a while back was my work.  Wonder if she can write as well as she can blow sunshine up your ass?  Aww you bwighten my day too, Beast.

Spanky McGee III

For the last time, Spanky, we are not sexists. We hate men at least as much as we hate women.

 

HOT GIRL ON GIRL MISOGYNY

Dumb ho should keep her trap shut

I am as close to a "razor-abhorrent, politically correct, gender studies' variety" feminist as it's possible to get in the real world  and I fucking love the Beast.  So, could you tell Erica Ladd to stick her braindead misogynistic stereotypes up her clueless ass?

Love and Hugs,
Ren Ali

Dear Ren,
Only if we get to watch.

 

BROOKS BOTHERS

Editors:
Matt Taibbi is right.  I see David Brooks uses this tactic all the time.  He has the “ah shucks, nice-guy, likeable” delivery of a “progressive centrist.”  But like Taibbi, I think Brooks is a fantastic bootlick.

Thanks for the laughs,

Dave Pechman
Denver, CO

Dear Dave,
In a pinch, he also makes a decent flotation device.

 

SANE AS SERLING

Dear Beast,

I recently found out, from a VERY reliable source that everyone's pal, Tommy Boy Brown-Nose Bauerle was a MEMBER OF A WHITE SUPREMECIST GROUP FOR ONE OR MORE OF HIS HIGH SCHOOL YEARS.

Honest Tom attended Kenmore East or West, but feel free to check the records;Buffalo's biggest, most pompous mouth was (IS?) a member of a white supremecist organization and THIS is just another compassionate conservative!

It was HILARIOUS to hear Anne Coulter shoot down Bauerle on the radio when he asked her out for a date over a year ago when he/she/it Coulter was in Buffalo and Honest Tom interviewed that MENSA alumni Coulter on the radio.

A QUICK note on the subject that I'm "crazy" RE:My "paranoid" letter about Bauerle and his law enforcement buddies: Have ANY of you ever seen a "Twilight Zone Episode" in which the main, or ONE character is the ONLY one who sees the truth?  Well, that's ME, in the case of my "psychotically-interpreted" harassment.

Despite your MORE-THAN-UNDERSTANDABLE question of my mental health, I stand by my original email to the 'Beast' and your privacy was comprimised a very long time ago.

OK.  Don't believe me?   Just ONE question:Due to the FACT that  the local (Buffalo Chapter) of the Peace Organziation WAS and/or IS being spied upon by the FBI only because they expressed views contrary to the current facist regime, what in hell would make a totally irreverent and specious (in a good way) newspaper which critizes the far Right fringe immune from unwarranted/unauthorized surveillence?

Sincerely,
The "Looney,"
Scott D. Snitzer

Dear kooky-head,

We didn’t say nobody was spying on us. It’s entirely possible that some manifestation of America’s internal espionage apparatus is wasting taxpayer money scrutinizing our “organization.” What we said is that nobody is spying on you. This is because you don’t matter. They call them delusions of grandeur, Scott. Think about it: premising a defense of your sanity on a Twilight Zone episode? “Twilight Zone” is a euphemism for crazy, Scott. Who’s your source, the little man who lives in your ventilation system?

 

OUR ILLITERATE CORRESPONDENT

yea you guys are sick, I am willing to contribute anything you need a take or review on .  I have lived in this city for like 20 years and am in agreement with most of your humor and left wing views.  I also hate the buffalo news for printing extremely biased information about me. total misrepresentation that was highly in favor of new york state troopers. But fuck them anyways, all the shit they write is garbage everyone in the country who knows anything about papers agrees with me. I don't care much for grammar so hopefully that isnt a requirement. I dont want money or recognition or anything just merely to rant and piss of like rich republicans. I unfortunately live in amherst, a community overran by a highly overpaid police force that likes to spend money on stuff like those 2 wheeled scooter things that were supposed to be some ingenious invention a few years ago, you know what im talking about.  they got tons of other high tech shit they like to play with as well, but for the most part spend their time getting cats out of trees.  aright take it easy, keep smokin beasters . later

mruffino

Dear mruffino,
Grammar? Hell no! Why would someone need to understand grammar to be a writer? What are you, queer or something?

 

CELLINO & BEAST

I bought my first home here in Buffalo in 2001. I found out in 2005 that I had been paying commercial property tax rates because of the previous owner. City hall changed the paperwork. I asked that the overpayment of $4000.00 be refunded to me. The supervisor told me it was my fault for not catching it and I should sue the realtor. I told them the realtor doesn’t have the overpayment, you do. I was told to bad.

Can you help me?
Randy Sell

Dear Randy,
No.

 

OMG LOL ROFLMAO

Stumbled upon your 50 most loathesome list 2005... It was linked to a 3rd party site...

I "LOL"-ed. Totally agree 100%...

...Well, maybe you should have not labelled #3 "You" but instead called it "Me". I mean really, your mind has to be filled with large amounts of irrelevant infomation if you are able to come up with such an excellent piece of social critiscm. Also you must spend hours "writing" and very few hours "doing" anything. And I imagine you, yourself, are less than svelt? Or do you have a high metabolism that protects you from the average American Physique?

Anyway, the people you describe in #3 would never be found reading your list. They would never surf their way too it, and if they did, would never read it past #49. "What kind of jerk doesn't like Clay Aiken???"

Lastly, I want to thank you for reminding me exactly how impotent I am in effecting any real change in this world. Volunteering for Jill Stein, buying only organic food, driving a Prius, spamming people about the immorality of the war and the corruption of our politicians, pulling my finacial support from PBS, donating instead to Free Speech TV (but not WATCHING it anymore because the kids wanted to switch to Rupert Murdoch's Direct TV)... So useless...

Hmmm... What other lame and ineffectual things do I do to help me live with myself? Oh, taking the time to write to YOU! Though what else can I do tonight to make the world safe for democracy...? I have the stomach bug my kids had last week, and I couldn't get a sitter to save my life even if I was well enough to go somewhere and "do something".

What am I trying to say? Um... thank you for making me laugh.

...And now back to random surfing and playing "Diner Dash"

Lucy F., Medway, MA

Dear Lucy,
No problem. Too bad you couldn’t return the favor.

 

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