Greetings, truth-seekers. This issue's astral divinations have come to me in the form of 12 jokes about the demise of habeas corpus. May they serve you well.

Libra (Sept 23 -Oct 22)

Favorite joke among prisoners, 2014 -- "So, what are you in for?"

Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)

Prisoner: "I demand to know what I'm being charged with!"
Judge: "Where do you think you are, China?"

Sagittarius (Nov 22 - Dec 21)

Prisoner: "I'm in serious pain!"
Interrogator: "Thank your congressman!"

Capricorn (Dec 22 - Jan 19)

Policeman: "Sir, you're not being charged."
Suspect: "Great! Thank you. I'll be on my way then."
Policeman: "You're not going anywhere. Now take your pants off."

Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)

Reporter: "I don't get it. We're attacked by a lunatic terrorist group, and then you don't find them. Everyone knows they're in Pakistan, but for some reason you still haven't bothered to get them. Instead, you're devoting the nation's military resources to an entirely unrelated colonial scheme in a different country. And we're supposed to believe your record on national security is something to brag about?"
President: "Enemy combatant. Take him away."

Pisces (Feb 19-March 20)

Q: How can you tell the difference between America and a country that respects human rights?
A: You're under arrest.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

New Miranda warning:
You have the right to disappear without a trace. You have the right to scream bloody murder while we break your ribs. Any sharp objects we have may be held against you in a windowless cinderblock room. If you cannot provide evidence against yourself, some will be fabricated for you. Do you understand these rights? No? Too bad.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

A conversation from 2009:
Wife: "Isn't it amazing that Molly Ivins, Jon Stewart, Michael Moore and Cindy Sheehan all turned out to be enemy combatants?"
Husband: "Nah, I knew it all along."
Teenager: "Dad, you're just swallowing the propaganda."
Police: "You're under arrest."
Husband: "It's about damn time."

Gemini (May 21 -June 20)

John McCain, being tortured by Homeland Security agents: "I can't believe this is happening to me again!"
Agent: "You shouldn't have challenged Bush's emergency third term."

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Q: How many CIA interrogators does it take to screw a lightbulb into your anus?
A: One, with legal immunity.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

A Christian, a Jew, and a Muslim walk into a bar. The Muslim is beaten to death. No one is prosecuted.

Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)

Q: What kind of president takes over the country and arrests his opposition on trumped up charges?
A: This one!