Beast Banner October 5 - 19, 2006
ISSUE #108
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Features

ArrowWelcome to the Monkey House
On Safari at “The Chapel” in Getzville

Ian Murphy

ArrowI, Left Gatekeeper
Why the "9/11 Truth" movement makes the "Left Behind" sci-fi series read like Shakespeare
Matt Taibbi

ArrowGet on Board
A farewell to Habeas Corpus in one act.

Allan Uthman

ArrowThe Madness of King Us
Think we're turning a corner? Think again

Donnie Dobovitch

ArrowSexual Predators
What can you do?

ArrowHow the Media Lies About China
"Try harder," American worker – and Thomas Friedman thinks everything will be fine
Matt Taibbi

Local BEAST

ArrowPig Roast
Tom Reynolds is done. Let’s all stick forks in him.
Allan Uthman

ArrowBEAST Staff Aids Non-Millionaire
“Relief for Reynolds” Campaign a Modest Success
Josh Bunting

ArrowCaring is Hard Work!
A selection of transcripts from our neighborhood canvass in the 26th district.

Departments

ArrowThe Beast Page 3
Incredibly Full of Shit Asshole

ArrowKino Korner: Movies
Jackass Number Two, The Guardian, Flyboys, All the King's Men, School for Scoundrels, Fearless

ArrowBEAST-O-Scopes
As divined by your ethereal guide

Arrow[sic] - Letters
Partisan Bickering, A Bold Challenge, Crocodile Punter, Reynolds R.I.P. and more

BEAST Staff Aids
Non-Millionaire
“Relief for Reynolds” Campaign a Modest Success
Josh Bunting

BEAST StaffersLast issue, BEAST Editor Al Uthman penned an editorial which, among other things, suggested that Tom Reynolds may have been dishonest in his attack on Millionaire Jack Davis, since Reynolds himself is probably a millionaire.

How cynical! I thought while reading Uthman’s piece. After all, how could Reynolds attack guys like Millionaire Jack Davis who have over a million dollars, if he himself was one? It just didn’t make sense. Besides, how could Reynolds be a millionaire when he has already spent over two million dollars to pay for negative ads that accuse millionaire Jack Davis of running negative ads?

I determined that Reynolds’ ads must be a cry for help. In decrying his fat cat challenger’s wealth, Reynolds was publicly lamenting his own abject poverty in the only way his touching pride would allow. That must be it; otherwise he’d just be a big, shameless hypocrite. I imagined the congressman sweating and toiling away, just busting his hump to keep his job and put food on the table. My heart went out to him. Nobody likes to watch someone starve, even a Republican.

How could such a plight befall an esteemed leader such as Reynolds? I wondered. Why was nobody helping him? And then I thought of those famous words of President Reagan: “If not us, who? If not now, when?” Too often we look to others to fix problems, never recognizing our own inaction. No more. I decided it was up to me to help the obviously destitute Reynolds.

To this end, BEAST art director Ian Murphy and I established the Relief for Reynolds Foundation ®, an un-registered grass roots non-profit organization which would gather non-perishable foods from the 26th district and donate them to Reynolds’ office. Ian contacted the local TV news networks with a press release for their tip lines, but none of them seemed very interested in our charity work. No matter; we still had to do what was right.

We canvassed about 25 houses in an affluent neighborhood, asking citizens to pitch in and make sure our political representative could have a nice, warm meal during this campaign season. Rejection was the standard at first. With each “No, thanks… get off my lawn” our sad stares and pious pleas went on a little longer. We expected voter apathy, but we weren’t prepared for the hostility and skepticism we encountered at some households. About a third of the people we spoke with seemed to think it was some sort of joke! One particularly skeptical man called us “fools,” adding that we “need to read more.” Most of the rest didn’t seem to want to be bothered at home, even for an honest, charitable cause like Relief for Reynolds. On their eternal souls it would be. We pondered the disinterest and outright antipathy of those we had spoken with, but maintained our faith in the cause. Essential aid had to be provided. And, like a sizeable donation to TOMPAC, our faith eventually paid off.

Our earliest donation came from an elderly woman, who initially told us she was “old and lonely” and didn’t have much food. We persisted, explaining the extreme urgency of our mission and that absolutely anything would suffice. Spinach, for example, would be perfectly fine, we told her. At last, she gave in and contributed a couple of cans of Spam. Finally, we felt like real Republicans.

With that, the tide began to turn. We tapped into the reservoir of political sympathy we had been seeking. Oddly, some donors laughed as they gave their Ramen noodles, canned peas, and potato chips to feed their Representative. Maybe there was a funny show on TV all of them had been watching, or perhaps they were just giddy with the joy of giving. Regardless, it was heartwarming to see our crate filled to maximum capacity within hours. We had enough to feed Tom Reynolds for at least a week.

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