Beast Banner October 5 - 19, 2006
ISSUE #108
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Features

ArrowWelcome to the Monkey House
On Safari at “The Chapel” in Getzville

Ian Murphy

ArrowI, Left Gatekeeper
Why the "9/11 Truth" movement makes the "Left Behind" sci-fi series read like Shakespeare
Matt Taibbi

ArrowGet on Board
A farewell to Habeas Corpus in one act.

Allan Uthman

ArrowThe Madness of King Us
Think we're turning a corner? Think again

Donnie Dobovitch

ArrowSexual Predators
What can you do?

ArrowHow the Media Lies About China
"Try harder," American worker – and Thomas Friedman thinks everything will be fine
Matt Taibbi

Local BEAST

ArrowPig Roast
Tom Reynolds is done. Let’s all stick forks in him.
Allan Uthman

ArrowBEAST Staff Aids Non-Millionaire
“Relief for Reynolds” Campaign a Modest Success
Josh Bunting

ArrowCaring is Hard Work!
A selection of transcripts from our neighborhood canvass in the 26th district.

Departments

ArrowThe Beast Page 3
Incredibly Full of Shit Asshole

ArrowKino Korner: Movies
Jackass Number Two, The Guardian, Flyboys, All the King's Men, School for Scoundrels, Fearless

ArrowBEAST-O-Scopes
As divined by your ethereal guide

Arrow[sic] - Letters
Partisan Bickering, A Bold Challenge, Crocodile Punter, Reynolds R.I.P. and more

Get on Board
A farewell to Habeas Corpus in one act.
Allan Uthman

Scene: Allan Uthman is walking down a street in Buffalo, NY, when an unmarked black van pulls up alongside him. The side door slides open and two armed Homeland Security officers aggressively drag him into the van. The door slams shut and the van speeds away. Uthman is quickly shackled to an eyebolt in the van’s floor. One of the officers retires to the front passenger seat of the van, while the other one sits on a crate facing Uthman.

Homeland Security Officer: Hi, my name’s Dennis and I’ll be detaining you this evening.

Allan Uthman: What—what the fuck is this?

HSO: Just relax; that’s what I’m here for, to help ease you through this transition.

AU: What the—what transition?

HSO: I regret to inform you that you’ve been declared an unlawful enemy combatant.

AU: What? What are you talking about?

HSO: You’re going to Cuba, son.

AU: But, but—how? Why?

HSO: I don’t really have to tell you that. Let’s just say, um… you’ve been fingered by a terrorist detainee.

AU: What? Who?

HSO: Hmmm. Well, let’s say, I don’t know… Abu… Ahmed… Sharif… al Mahmoud.

AU: You’re just making that up.

HSO: [Chuckling] No, seriously. He says you have anthrax, something like that.

AU: Anthrax? What? I’ve never had any Anthrax! Hell, I don’t even listen to Anthrax!

HSO: Seriously? What about their version of “Bring the Noise?”

AU: That atrocity? How do you start with Chuck D on the vocals and then switch over to stupid Anthrax guy for the rest of the song? There’s no logic to that.

HSO: Whatever. We don’t have to tell you what evidence we have anymore.

AU: Well, I want a lawyer. Call Paul Fallon.

HSO: Sorry kid, but you’re living in a “Law and Order” rerun. No lawyer for you; you’re an enemy combatant. Besides, we picked Fallon up this morning.

AU: What for?

HSO: Can’t say—enemy combatant.

AU: Jesus! So… what do I do?

HSO: I dunno. Maybe if you’re nice and confess to plotting to kill innocent Americans, we’ll let you have some books to read. You can get a Koran, no problem.

AU: I don’t want a frigging Koran!

HSO: You sure? There’s some really beautiful imagery in there.

AU: Look, you’ve got to help me. I haven’t done anything!

HSO: Oh really. What about this?

page 2

 

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