Beast Banner October 5 - 19, 2006
ISSUE #108
Issue 106 Cover Small
Last Issue Archives Blog Swag Comix
BEAST Blog Web
 
Contact Download PDF RSS Subscribe Advertise Links
Features

ArrowWelcome to the Monkey House
On Safari at “The Chapel” in Getzville

Ian Murphy

ArrowI, Left Gatekeeper
Why the "9/11 Truth" movement makes the "Left Behind" sci-fi series read like Shakespeare
Matt Taibbi

ArrowGet on Board
A farewell to Habeas Corpus in one act.

Allan Uthman

ArrowThe Madness of King Us
Think we're turning a corner? Think again

Donnie Dobovitch

ArrowSexual Predators
What can you do?

ArrowHow the Media Lies About China
"Try harder," American worker – and Thomas Friedman thinks everything will be fine
Matt Taibbi

Local BEAST

ArrowPig Roast
Tom Reynolds is done. Let’s all stick forks in him.
Allan Uthman

ArrowBEAST Staff Aids Non-Millionaire
“Relief for Reynolds” Campaign a Modest Success
Josh Bunting

ArrowCaring is Hard Work!
A selection of transcripts from our neighborhood canvass in the 26th district.

Departments

ArrowThe Beast Page 3
Incredibly Full of Shit Asshole

ArrowKino Korner: Movies
Jackass Number Two, The Guardian, Flyboys, All the King's Men, School for Scoundrels, Fearless

ArrowBEAST-O-Scopes
As divined by your ethereal guide

Arrow[sic] - Letters
Partisan Bickering, A Bold Challenge, Crocodile Punter, Reynolds R.I.P. and more

Get on Board

continued - page 2

AU: Uh… That’s the paper I work for.

HSO: That’s right, “The Beast.” It’s really something, boy. How ‘bout that cover story, huh? “The 51 Funniest Things about 9/11.” Boy, that’s a real hoot!

AU: Are you serious? I’m going to jail because of a bad joke? I didn’t even write that thing!

HSO: That’s right, it was this Murphy guy. Don’t worry, he’ll get his. But you’re the editor, right? You decide what goes in and what doesn’t.

AU: Well, sort of. I can’t control Ian anymore. He’s gone rogue on me.

HSO: Oh, so you’re totally innocent, huh?

AU: Yeah, exactly! That’s what I’m saying!

HSO: Hmm. Well. Isn’t this your name right here?

AU: Where?

HSO: Right here on this article you wrote in 2004. “O Buffalo?” You know, the one where you advocate seceding from the United States.

AU: Oh. Yeah. Well, that was right after Bush got reelected, and I was just expressing my frustration—it’s sort of a comic overreaction thing—

HSO: “I propose that Buffalo simply secede from this dysfunctional union of states and join Canada.” Yeah, that’s real funny.

AU: Well… it’s obviously not serious.

HSO: That’s for a military tribunal to decide, son.

AU: But this is just writing! You can’t call me an enemy combatant for that!

HSO: Read the law, son. An unlawful enemy combatant is “an individual engaged in hostilities against the United States.”

AU: Well, how to they define “hostilities?”

HSO: They don’t. But I have to say, I’ve been reading these here papers, and I am definitely picking up a hostile tone.

AU: Still, it’s not “hostilities,” it’s just satire. What about freedom of speech?

HSO: Yeah. That was repealed last week.

AU: What? Repealed?

HSO: Yeah. That’s done. Retroactive, too.

AU: I didn’t hear anything about that.

HSO: Well, that’s because they passed a bill the week before that says all new legislation can be done secretly.

AU: Are you serious?

HSO: Yeah, it was called “The Holy Shit Terrorists Are Coming to Kill Us All Act” or something.

AU: Well—I never heard about that either.

HSO: Yeah, it was secret.

AU: Damn. I knew I should have moved to Canada.

HSO: Shoulda, woulda, coulda. Anyway, we’re almost there. Just so you know, I’m gonna tell my boss you told me about plans to detonate a briefcase nuke in Washington.

AU: What? Why?

HSO: Well, it’s nothing personal. It just every time I make some shit up like that, I seem to get promoted.

AU: But I’m just going to tell them it’s a lie.

HSO: Yeah, at first, but believe me; they’ll get it out of you eventually. Anyway, nice talking to you. Could you put on this hood for me?

AU: [Staring at floor]You know, my dad was Iraqi.

HSO: Of course I know. Why do you think you’re here?

AU: He always said America was the greatest country in the world.

HSO: That’s nice. Now get in the hood.

 

Mailing List

Sign up and we'll let you know when a new issue is born.


 
Ads

Textbook125x125

Banner 10000035button

Banner button

button

button



send your ill-informed ravings to us here
Affiliate Sponsors
MotoSport, Inc.| Discount Anime DVD | Netflix DVD Rentals. NO LATE FEES; Free Shipping. Try for FREE! | music123.com | Direct2Drive
T-Shirts only $14.99 when you buy 3 or more at CCS.com | Shutterfly.com | LinkShare Referral Prg
Popular Favorites from the Archive



© Copyright 2002-2006, The Beast. All rights reserved.