Beast Banner October 5 - 19, 2006
ISSUE #108
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ArrowWelcome to the Monkey House
On Safari at “The Chapel” in Getzville

Ian Murphy

ArrowI, Left Gatekeeper
Why the "9/11 Truth" movement makes the "Left Behind" sci-fi series read like Shakespeare
Matt Taibbi

ArrowGet on Board
A farewell to Habeas Corpus in one act.

Allan Uthman

ArrowThe Madness of King Us
Think we're turning a corner? Think again

Donnie Dobovitch

ArrowSexual Predators
What can you do?

ArrowHow the Media Lies About China
"Try harder," American worker – and Thomas Friedman thinks everything will be fine
Matt Taibbi


ArrowPig Roast
Tom Reynolds is done. Let’s all stick forks in him.
Allan Uthman

ArrowBEAST Staff Aids Non-Millionaire
“Relief for Reynolds” Campaign a Modest Success
Josh Bunting

ArrowCaring is Hard Work!
A selection of transcripts from our neighborhood canvass in the 26th district.


ArrowThe Beast Page 3
Incredibly Full of Shit Asshole

ArrowKino Korner: Movies
Jackass Number Two, The Guardian, Flyboys, All the King's Men, School for Scoundrels, Fearless

As divined by your ethereal guide

Arrow[sic] - Letters
Partisan Bickering, A Bold Challenge, Crocodile Punter, Reynolds R.I.P. and more

Kino Korner


Jackass Number Two | The Guardian | Flyboys
All the King's Men | School for Scoundrels | Fearless

The Guardian

The GuardianDo you remember the ad campaign for…I want to say Head and Shoulders? It went something along the lines of you only get one chance to make a first impression? It didn’t make me want to use the product, but it taught me a lesson about life in my formative years. Looking back, many years later, I think it’s safe to say that I never really applied that lesson to my life.

I’m pretty sure Ashton Kutcher didn’t either, and at his age he can’t say he never saw the commercial. Kutcher broke onto the scene with “That ‘70s Show” if you remember. He played the loud, moronic prettyboy dipshit who managed to keep people tuning in enough to keep the show afloat for several seasons. God knows it wasn’t Fez, the afroed scientologist or the redhead gargantuan broadzilla who were keeping people in front of the TV.

Then the extra chromosomes at MTV decided to show even fewer music videos and apparently fill Kutcher with Genny Cream Ale and cheap speed before unleashing him and a camera crew on Today’s Hottest Celebrities to remake episodes of Candid Camera with breast implants and Rodeo Drive delusion. The only fun there was that it eventually ended and you got to see most of the celebrities for the nincompoops they truly are. Admittedly, it wasn’t all bad, but that multi-camera crap with Kutcher talking about the set up wearing crooked, overpriced trucker hats and acting like a total spaz was too much. Okay, it was allbad, except for making Justin Timberlake cry.

Eventually Kutcher married a mummy, inherited her ex-husband and kids and decided to make so-called real movies. But Kutcher never outran his Kelso persona, because he’s either acting in that horrible manner or you’re waiting for him to, thus prohibiting you from actually paying attention to his performance or lack thereof. You keep waiting for him to yell “burn”or start talking about how hot he is.

Which brings us to The Guardian. If you haven’t seen the forgettable trailer, it’s the story of the lives of Coast Guard—

Okay. Did you see Ladder 49? Joaquin Phoenix, John Travolta, firefighters? It’s the same goddamned thing, except with Coast Guard swimmers instead of firefighters. Best of the Best, friendly and not so friendly rivalries, piss and vinegar-filled rookies out to prove themselves, the girl who waits at home worrying, noxious ending and blackout-inducing filler. At least Ladder 49 had Phoenix, who had something resembling chemistry with Travolta. Kutcher and Kevin Costner, who plays the legendary instructor, have the configuration and charisma of a pair of blind nerkies riding the bumper cars on the dark side of the moon.

If all you care about are some good special effects, decent stunts and a few brewskis with your boys at a sports bar across the parking lot afterward, you’re going to love it. Shit, you’re going to love it more than Crank, Torque and all the Fast and the Furious movies combined. You might even like it if you just want to see Kutcher’s disturbingly feminine face. However, if you don’t fall into one of these categories, you may want to make sure you’re wearing an adult diaper. The ending is that noxious. Niagara Falls port-a-potty noxious.


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