The Beast Page 3
Incredibly Full of Shit Asshole

Name: Brian Higgins

Turn-ons: Avena hair products, creeping fascism, Joe Lieberman. Moneymoneymoneyomoooney… moooney!

Turn-offs: Far left ACLU-types, basic civil liberties, informed voters, fat chicks.

How I got to be The BEAST Page 3 Incredibly Full of Shit Asshole: It’s pretty funny, really. I fooled all of these people into thinking I was a liberal, you know “clean up Washington” and all that shit. They totally fell for it! Well, maybe they just didn’t like Nancy Naples’ underbite, I don’t know. Anyways, I managed to squeak by that election. Since then, I’ve been on this great program where I just have to vote against the conscience of everyone who elected me on specific issues, like, you know—unreasonable search and seizure, torture, flag burning, net neutrality, Terri Schiavo, raising broadcast indecency fines tenfold, bankruptcy protection, eternal detention without charge or trial. On each of these issues, I voted with the Republicans—sounds crazy, I know, but those guys are so into me now. I’m gonna be rich! So yeah, I’m the only Democrat in New York who voted for the Military Commissions Act—whatever. I’m pretty sure I won’t be trying to file any habeas corpus petitions any time soon, am I right? Eh?

Future Plans: That’s what’s so amazing. I’m gonna win this election no problem—I don’t even have to run any ads or anything! So it’s another two years of “hey baby, I’m a congressman”—there is no substitute for a line like that, I’m telling you.

How I’d like to be remembered: Not by my voting record—more by my casually chic wardrobe. Oh yeah, and a good punch line for the cruel joke of electoral politics. Vote Higgins, you idiots!