The much-publicized trend in school shootings, MSNBC sexual predator sting operations and now Mark Foley’s congressional cradle robbing, have left many parents wondering if their children are safe from deviants. Follow these easy tips to keep your family out of harms way!

1) If you are thinking of having children - don’t. Where there are children, pedophiles and crazed riflemen are sure to follow. Especially do not have children if you yourself are a known pedophile or crazed rifleman.

2) If you do have children, never send them to school. This will both protect them, and help create a new generation of cheap American labor to replace the waning migrant work force brought about by draconian immigration policies.

3) In public, dress your children in fake beards and professional clothing. It my also be a good idea to refer to them as “grandpa,” or “uncle Smitty.”

4) Never let your children talk to strangers on the internet, join the boy scouts, come in contact with entertainers who’ve had extensive plastic surgery, go to daycare, sing in a church choir, sit on Santa’s lap, leave the house, visit your extended family, read Nabokov, enter a beauty pageant or get a job as a congressional page.

5) Never name your child Amber.

6) Enlist your child in the military. It is best to fight pedophiles over there, so we do not have to fight them here.

7) Keep your children in a small box. Do not look inside the box because the act of observation may effect whether the child is alive.

8) Preemptively molest adults you suspect to be pederasts.

9) Never let your child go to Kazakhstan unattended.

10) Kill your child. The safest child is a dead one!