Beast Banner October 5 - 19, 2006
ISSUE #108
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Features

ArrowWelcome to the Monkey House
On Safari at “The Chapel” in Getzville

Ian Murphy

ArrowI, Left Gatekeeper
Why the "9/11 Truth" movement makes the "Left Behind" sci-fi series read like Shakespeare
Matt Taibbi

ArrowGet on Board
A farewell to Habeas Corpus in one act.

Allan Uthman

ArrowThe Madness of King Us
Think we're turning a corner? Think again

Donnie Dobovitch

ArrowSexual Predators
What can you do?

ArrowHow the Media Lies About China
"Try harder," American worker – and Thomas Friedman thinks everything will be fine
Matt Taibbi

Local BEAST

ArrowPig Roast
Tom Reynolds is done. Let’s all stick forks in him.
Allan Uthman

ArrowBEAST Staff Aids Non-Millionaire
“Relief for Reynolds” Campaign a Modest Success
Josh Bunting

ArrowCaring is Hard Work!
A selection of transcripts from our neighborhood canvass in the 26th district.

Departments

ArrowThe Beast Page 3
Incredibly Full of Shit Asshole

ArrowKino Korner: Movies
Jackass Number Two, The Guardian, Flyboys, All the King's Men, School for Scoundrels, Fearless

ArrowBEAST-O-Scopes
As divined by your ethereal guide

Arrow[sic] - Letters
Partisan Bickering, A Bold Challenge, Crocodile Punter, Reynolds R.I.P. and more

[sic] Header

WE HAVE BALLS SO YOU DON”T HAVE TO

Mr. Fallon,
My senior year in high school, you came into my American Government class spoke to a largely apathetic and semi-conscious class. I had seen the Beast around town a few times beforehand, but the video of the "incident" on the steps of city hall piqued my interest in your publication and roused me from my apathetic slumber. I have now been a subscriber for over a year, and I have decided to email you in order to express my gratitude towards you and your staff for making my life slightly more bearable.

I am a sophomore at a semi-local university studying Biochemistry, and as you might expect, the workload and stress tests even the most determined student's sense of determination and general mood. Reading your paper (and laughing my ass off) brings a break from the monotonous droll of examinations and constant challenge that has become my life.

The fact is, I enjoy your paper's humor because it has balls. It brings a sense of rebellion to my life, which is otherwise dominated by expectations and institutions. I agree with most of your viewpoints on our governmental and social leadership in this country, but I also think that every time I agree with a proverbial "fuck you" handed out to hypocrites and liars in Washington a part of me gets to say FUCK YOU to all of the institutions that seem to control my life at times.

For this and more, thanks a lot, and don't ever stop stop releasing the Beast.
-Chris Hergott

Yeah Chris, screw the man…the biochemistry man! Who does he think he is, requiring you to “study” and “meet established educational standards?” Just so you can get some piece of paper which proves you’re “qualified?” What a scam, man. Fight the power!

 

NOW, APPARENTLY

When is someone going to write about Joel Giambra's new child and girlfriend?
Gloria

Hmmm. Lets see… maybe when it becomes relevant?

 

SO STRAIGHT I’LL KILL YOU

If you guys have any balls you print the name of the asshole who writes the bestoscopes. Then he will see If he thinks I am a fucking faggot when me and my "frat buddies" are kicking his fucking ass!!!!!!!!! A personal ad is jus that PERSONAL assholes you pricks. YOU ARE THE FAGGOTS AND YOUR PAPER SUCKS!!!!
Joe

You know, Joe, we hate to break this to you, but if you and your buddies want to kick Gullerstein’s ass because he made fun of your Craigslist ad seeking a “tgirl/ts” (without mentioning your name, we’d add), that really makes you seem pretty gay. It’s really sad how you’re all torn up inside. Time to dig deep, Joe.

 

I’M REALLY COOL, I SWEAR

Hey Guys/Gals

I like the website-I stumbled across it last weekend while looking at some stupid book about stupid letters or something on Amazon (hey, I don't buy crap like that-just was bored and reading the excerpts) that linked me to 50 most loathsome Americans 2004 and from there I sent you a short E-Mail from my cell phone. Basically it said I'm happy to report Number Three YOU doesn't even begin to describe me. Although I live in Beverly Hills, I'm the kind of guy who's very intelligent and does care about treating people at least halfway decently. And I NEVER eat processed food-we have some great grocery stores here that are chains, but aren't really typical supermarkets, meaning they offer fresh baked goods, their own chocolates, fresh sushi, deli, soups, all of that and more-Bristol Farms and Whole Foods. And I know 9/11 is Cheney's baby and how and why. I'm far from perfect and I'm not really an activist, but I'm way, way aways from ignorant which is where most of the country is. And it's a shame. Your website will educate a little at a time, and with humour, which is always a draw-but can't possibly win the war. Look who you're talking about. Need I say more? Still, I applaud your efforts tremendously. Would absolutely love to hang out with you guys if you managed to make it out to the west coast. Oh, and I'm agnostic, too-smart enough to know all known Gods are bullshit and why and also smart enough to realize that if there is some force that controls the universe, it is beyond the understanding of you and I.

Rodney Peterson

Well, Rodney, aren’t you special? No. No you’re not.

 

PARTISAN BICKERING

According to Reynolds regional staffer, Gregg Merlihan, his recent comments to the Beast's Reynolds article was "A Human Colostomy Bag?" Merlihan further dismissed the article by commenting Beast editor Paul Fallon was "The guy who announced his candidacy naked on the steps of City Hall."

And this dismisses the facts in what sense? There's democracy at work for us in WNY.

If Reynolds is WNY's human colostomy bag can we get confirmation that Sam Hoyt is WNY's biggest douche bag? Cat litter is more effective than Hoyt.
Superfly

In Hoyt’s defense, Superfly, cat litter is pretty damned effective. Just imagine what a box full of cat turds would smell like without it. Maybe something like a colostomy bag.

 

HUGO TO HELL

OK , McCain was on CBS this morning and Bob Schieffer asked him about Jerry Falwell comparing what Hilary would do the country, to what Satan would do to it. McCain just brushed this off. Said you could see that Falwell was smiling when he said it ; and that he was clearly just being facetious.
Funny, but that was almost exactly the same reaction expressed on Democracy Now about Hugo Chavez calling Stupid 'The Devil' in his UN speech. They just brushed it off : you could clearly see that Chavez was smiling; he was trying to be funny & sarcastic. Almost word for word what McCain had said about Falwell . uggh.
It got worse. Rather than lamenting Chavez's press restriction laws ( or rather as he referred to it " social responsibility legislation") as unfortunate; the guest ( an NYU professor ) was a dismissive apologist for it all. Oh, the laws may be on the books, but they weren't enforced, and were they really any different from "social responsibility" laws we see in Germany or Scandinavia ? Way to stand up for a free press, prof.
Amy and Juan rarely challenge their featured guests ; or do so with such set-up, mealy mouthed, lead-in, softball questions that it would probably make even Larry King wince to hear it.
Fox News; being jack-booted Fascists; are a much more odious example of editorial bias run amok in the newsroom. But the "community journalism for the left " represented by DN rankles me every bit as much.
Their relentless mantra is : the public is being failed by the MainStream Media. They beg to be held to a higher standard; because that is what they bill themselves as, on an hourly basis.
Nothing depresses me more than DN endlessly patting themselves on the back for being progressive; and then felching an asshole like Chavez.
Who could put it better than Woody Allen did in Bananas ( the finest historical analysis of Latin American revolution ever produced to date ) , when his character noted what the crucial difference was when ' we' do it :
" Yes, I'm a bigot; but for the Left ."

- ( dis ) gruntled

It’s true; Chavez was way out of line calling Bush “el Diablo.” Everybody knows Cheney’s really the Devil.

 

A BOLD CHALLENGE

i am sick and tired of two-bit pricks like yourselves making fun of popes and religion in general. show some real balls for a change and hold the muslim faith up for ridicule
Colton

Yeah, Colton, that’s a real good point. We’d never have the balls to make fun of Islam, except for maybe doing an entire issue on it last February, including running one of the cartoons almost no one else in America had the stones to print. You sure told us, dumb-ass.

 

CROCODILE PUNTER

Dear Beast, thanks for taking the piss out of that cringe inducing toss pot Mr Irwin. We shouldn't speak ill of the dead, but that man was to wild life conservation, and environmenatalism, what Christian Fundamentalists are to reasoned scientific investigation.

I've just listened to his funeral where, I am informed by that prick Howard, that 20 million pairs of Australian arms are embracing his wife; the mind boggles, 20 million wife gropers?
The 51st State is in an unreasoned state of despair and are now apparently hunting stingrays to exact revenge; fuck!(5 found dead with their evil stings amputated.)

I observe their collective nuttiness with growing disbelief and point to your own countries' sense of resonable grief expression(Reagan's funeral, 9/11 parties etc) as the key reason for Aussie contemporary stupidity. The man was a nut who hugged crocodiles, and kissed snakes: Hugged crocodiles and kissed snakes! How the fuck did they think he was going to die, cardiac seizure while shagging his Mrs?

Oh yeah, I've never heard of Jonathan Tasini either, my excuse is I'm 12000km away. He sounds worth a punt.
--Rob

Humanitarian or suicidal lizard harasser, Rob, Irwin’s in a better place now. It’s much cooler in the ground. We wouldn’t mind punting Tasini ourselves.

 

PITCH IN!

Please, Please go visit Mark Croce's newest Abortion on display known as THE BUFFALO SMOKEHOUSE.......Please TEAR it up in the review section.....for he hates THE BEAST....I worked for him, and he fired me for reading THE BEAST.......Fuck HIM, SHOOT HIS HELI DOWN UPON FRANKLIN ABOVE SKYBAR....that fat fuck with his 24yr old fiancee' that wont sign a prenumpt...fuck her too...gold diggin slut...Thank u All...Devoted BEAST Reader and former employee of Mark Croce
Ted Bundy

Well Ted, that’s another few thousand papers Croce’s going to throw in the trash. Remember to lift with your legs, Mark.

 

SECURITY BLANKET

I have been in the Army 8 years and an American all my life and when I see things like the toe tag army reserve poster of yours it makes me sick. You are a coward, I hope you enjoy hiding under the blanket of freedom provided to you by our soldiers. The world is changing and if it was not for brave men and women in our armed forces this war would be on your doorstep and you would have no place to hide. You are a fool if you think that won't happen. Enjoy your freedom and don't ever attack the means for which it is provided
blake ourso

You know, Blake, the more we hear this “freedom isn’t free” stuff, the more it really makes sense. After all, there aren’t any free, developed nations out there without huge military forces—unless you count Sweden, Switzerland, Norway, New Zealand, Holland, Finland, Luxembourg, Andorra, Iceland, Monaco, Canada, or, you know, a whole bunch of others. On the other hand, countries which enjoy military might are always bastions of freedom—except for China, Russia, North Korea, Iran, Pakistan, Turkey, Egypt, India, Syria, Saudi Arabia, or, well, quite a few others.

So yeah—wait. That doesn’t make any sense at all! Now we’re scared. Where’s our freedom blanket?

 

REYNOLDS R.I.P.

Greetings, oh you ever so truthful Beastyites!!!!The time has come to put the proverbial stake through Tom Reynolds heart???And...his political carreer too!!!!!!!

I don't like to beg guys....but being a faithful Beast reader, I would offer that Reynold's alleged fore-knowledge" of Foley's Follies is nothing short of the holy grail! A riteous preface to start his politcal assasination! I implore of you!!! Let the festivities begin!!!!!Light 'em up guys!!!! I thing a full page editorial is in order:1) To wake up those who have any loyalty to Reynolds and his cohorts..the Bushies. and 2)To make the pervert scumbag squirm for his covering up the acts of the pedophile Foley...just think....ALL THIS JUST BEFORE THE MID TERM ELECTIONS!!! I cannot wait to see this public undoing fashioned in the most BEASTLY manner!Take this gift and run with it...better yet...sprint with it like a full length marathon!
ps: Keep up the good work.
gary zajdel

Hey GARY!!!!! We can tell you’re EXCITED because of your strategic use of CAPITAL LETTERS!!!!! And EXCLAMATION POINTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This is a TRULY EFFECTIVE WRITING TECHNIQUE!!!!!

 

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