Representative Royale!

VA:
Allen 47-43 Webb
Strong as a monkey and just as smart, George "Macaca" Allen delivers a punch as powerful as a severed deer's head in your mailbox. "No Girls" Webb is no pushover himself, and might just save himself, and Virginia's dignity, just as long as he remembers not to call Allen a Jew!

PA:
Casey 51-40 Santorum
Once-mighty "man on dog" Santorum has been on the ropes lately; some say due to a soft skull. Casey's favored to win this punch-up, mainly because he's not a completely repulsive puke!

NY:
Clinton 63-31 Spencer
This thing's getting ugly! The Grand Dame of deceit is a strong favorite to score a knockout in this match; just another belt on her way the national title! But the churlish Spencer won't go quietly--he even called Clinton ugly and accused her of spending a million bucks on plastic surgery. Still, we have a feeling she'll rearrange Spencer's face free of charge!

Reynolds 49-46 Davis
Will this angry Republicrat topple the veteran champion of the porkbarrel circuit? Or will the Pig-man of Clarence save his sweaty skin? Davis has the moxy, but word of mouth in the closet perv scene says the fix is already in! Bring your barf bag, because this bout's gonna get saggy!

Higgins 99-1 McHale
"Backstabbing Brian" is so sure to take this event that he hasn't even bothered to train. Besides, if the hapless McHale starts doing well, Higgins can just have him declared an unlawful enemy combatant and hauled away!

Gubernatorial Under card:
Spitzer 70-20 Faso
This isn't a bout; it's a rout. The "Bald Crusader" ought to have no problem making mincemeat of Faso, an unknown from the wrong side of the aisle whose name happens to rhyme with "asshole" if you say it a certain way. Once the the newcomer gets a taste of Elliot's progressive left, he'll be thinking, "I should have gone the other way on Trustworthy Turnpike!"

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