Sagittarius (Nov 22 - Dec 21)

Well, Sagittarius, your investment in the Carlyle Group has paid off handsomely once again. Kudos for taking on broader problems in the Middle East! Your ties to Bush I and the House of Saud will propel you to unparalleled success. Not in settling a peace, but, you know, in making money.

Capricorn (Dec 22 - Jan 19)

It’s gotta be tough being an interim prime minister, but Capricorn, for the love of Mohammed (PBUH), stop hanging out with bad boys like Muqtada al-Sadr. The al-Mahdi Army may seem cool now, but they’re just going to break your heart.

Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)

Congrats, Aquarius. Your nefarious dealings with Iran during your tenure at the CIA have finally paid off - and you’ve been jealous of Ollie all these years. Staying ahead at the DoD will require you use all the lessons you learned selling arms to paramilitaries in South America and exaggerating the threat of the former USSR. Good luck!

Pisces (Feb 19-March 20)

Just when nearly everyone in the world could see no reason for your existence, Pisces, you’ve changed all our minds. Seriously, when is that sex tape coming out? Is Britney fat in it? Jesus, she’s not preggers, is she? Our hats are off to you, you white trash genius. You’ve made our lives a little more tolerable.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Your theory about the international Selsun Blue conspiracy is an interesting one, Aries. The thought that a dandruff shampoo would actually give people dandruff, causing life-long consumers, is intriguing, but I just don’t think that facts will bear this out.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Sadly, Taurus, there is no “magic bullet” for the Iraq problem. Magic bullets, first proposed under the umbrella of the Reagan “Star Wars” program, turned out to be prohibitively expensive and in tests typically resulted in anomalous bean stalks, werewolves, and things of this nature. Besides, regular bullets are perfectly suited to the task of warfare. Keep this in mind when loading your gun this fortnight, Taurus.

Gemini (May 21 -June 20)

What is your obsession with the homosexual agenda, Gemini? The more you rant and rave, and pollute the airwaves with thinly veiled republican self-loathing, the more obvious it is: That’s right, Gemini; you’re gay. I hope that helps explains your meth-fueled trysts, and the anal soreness.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Don’t you think you’ve been acting a bit uppity of late, Cancer? I mean, you already got raped; the worst part is over. It shouldn’t be hard to find four male witnesses to corroborate your story in Sharia court, now should it? You should thank Allah anyone will have you.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

So the elections are over, and the terrorists have won, Leo. Not so bad, was it?

Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)

I don’t care what you say, Virgo. A 41-entimeter Tsunami doesn’t qualify as “breaking news.”

Libra (Sept 23 -Oct 22)

Libra, why is it every time I lend you 80 Baghdad police uniforms, something terrible happens?

Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)

Your spirit guide this fortnight, Scorpio, is the noble hobo. Supplicate yourself to the whims of a street person for one 24-hour period when the moon is in transit, and you shall unlock of the mysteries of the world. And yes, you have to give him hand relief if he asks. Godspeed!

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