Beast Banner Nov 16 - 30, 2006
ISSUE #110
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ArrowThe 10 Most Ridiculous Things about the Midterm Elections
Allan Uthman

ArrowThe Worst Show on Television
An election night diary
Matt Taibbi

Forget the gay hooker; was Pastor Ted a tweaker?
Alexander Zaitchik

ArrowCrush, Kill, Destroy
Screw bipartisanship; it’s time for revenge.
Allan Uthman


ArrowCult Classic
Pseudoscience and Psychedelics in the Church of Scientology
Ian Murphy


ArrowThe Beast Page 3
Terrorist Emboldener

ArrowKino Korner: Movies
Borat, Saw III, Flags of Our Fathers, The Santa Clause 3

As divined by your ethereal guide

Arrow[sic] - Letters
Tool Box, Another Einstein Weighs In, Army Ad's Still Got It, A Real American Hero and more

[sic] Header


Dear beast,
                  I would like to say sorry to all resident of buffalo and surrounding area for the Friday 13th storm. This storm is my fault. I recently decide to be more republican, so the first thing I did was I went out to help out my ideal Mr. Renolds by form young republican sign up group you can never have enough eight year old to sixteen year old out in republic party with honest hard working individuals  of middle age men working for them. I then decide to page out of the former sen. Foley play book by molesting a clergy man. I also want to watch the most republican show. I found the 700 club. Watching Mr. Robertson give his advice and praying for people who need to be prayed for. All you need to is give them fifty buck and pray very hard and you to can get what you want. I figure if this work for President Bush it could work for me. I thought since I really did not want to cut my rosebushes and I had an old TV antenna on roof. I’m afraid of heights so there was no way I was going up there to take it down. I gave my fifty dollars to the 700 club, and prayed really hard from 10/1 to 10/11. Then the storm hit did what I ask my rosebush and antenna are down. I think will stay with not having any party affiliation. I though of going democrat, but then I would be helping sen. Clinton. I’m sorry she is creepy and her husband was selling us to China and now works for Walmart.
                  One again I’m sorry this is the last time I do pay and pray to God for anything and do you think the 700 club would give back my fifty bucks for all the damage that prayer caused? 

Dear Sasha Baron Cohen,
Look, the Borat thing, it’s really funny, okay? But come on man, don’t you think you’ve been on enough media outlets by now? Seriously—writing a letter to the BEAST? How many more viewers is that going to earn your movie? Please, just give it a rest before you become the Andy Kaufman of the new millennium.



Hello Paul,
    Your article about Brian Higgins is ridiculous. He is not the tool, you are the tool, and your website is deficient and ignorant. Last time I checked, Brian is the one in office, chances are there is a motive behind his political moves. Chances are these motives are to benefit non-other than the 27th district. Spend your time doing something productive.

Anne Veith

Oh yes Anne, chances are Higgins is just a kindhearted soul, selling out the entire nation for the benefit of his district. Well, great. It’ll really warm our hearts when news of a renovated, bustling waterfront reaches our cell in debtor’s prison.



No Lance, one does not--
One does not need to come up with complete replacements for physically impossible official stories.
     Good work, Matt, on your ironic tour through the swamps of conspiracy. Really looking forward to your encounter with physical reality. Glad to hear you're coming up with the surveillance tapes that show what really slammed into the side of the pentagon, that the FBI collected. Your investigators will find parts of steel and titanium, with the serial numbers that will connect with maintenance records to positively identify remains of flights 77 and 93. Your consultants in radio engineering will discover how those poignant cell phone messages from Flight 93 got through--30,000 feet above the cell towers, whipping from cell to cell at 500 mph.
     Really looking to you and physical reality facing off.

That’s amazing, having all those facts at your fingertips. Where’d you get those numbers, anyway? Oh that’s right; your hazy recollections of some made up bullshit you read on a blog somewhere.



You just don't see the gray areas regarding the U.S. Gov't's role in PLANNING and EXECUTING 9/11;It seems that other than the lunatic, "conspiracy" fringe groups, that every one is in some state of denial that our own Gov't could have orchestrated 9/11.

1) ALL Federal politicians were NOT notified and/or involved in the 9/11 plot-2) MAYBE the rewards from the aftermath of 9/11 were so HUGE that those that COULD have stopped 9/11 (our own Govt) did NOT, as to benefit financially 3) So the govt plot in executing 9/11 was NOT covered up well enough with too many "clues" and oversights left around-This is called ARROGANCE, NOT the Bush Administration's "inability to do most things right.
4) Yes human life IS totally expendible to the Bush administration;BEFORE and AFTER 9/11 and 5) The technology to "carry out" a fake terrorist attack has existed for at LEAST TWENTY YEARS and 6) NO SKYSCRAPERS JUST COLLAPSE in the "pancake effect."  It is PHYSICALLY IMPOSSIBLE as in SCIENTIFICALLY IMPOSSIBLE. 

I KNOW that you guys ALREADY think that I'm nuts-cookoo, out-of-my-mind, but I've only TOUCHED ON A FEW plausable reasons as to WHY 9/11 could have been fully staged by our own govt.  JFK, Abraham Lincoln? 
Think what the govt and those in power (industry and politics) had to GAIN financially and power-wise with a phoney terrorist attack.  Think way, way way outside the box, but with an OPEN mind and if you want to make sure what the REAL TRUTH IS regarding 9/11, just ask "Brown-Nose, Nazi-Boy, Know-It-All Tom Bauerle sitting over on his toilet throne at WBEN, for the "great" Bauerlemeister is wise and KNOWS that the Republican way is the best way and the ONLY way to achieve a perfect and incorruptible society in which a true egalatarian state-of-co-existence may see its fruition!! 
OK, maybe I'm nuts, but at least I have an open mind!
Scott D. Snitzer
"The Looney"

Dear Scott,
So open, your brain fell out! Rim shot!



Thank you for this series. I teach high school in Manhattan, and in a recent lesson on Occam's Razor, I used 911 conspiracy claims as an example. Al, Matt... at least half my kids believe this shit. My friends, colleagues, people who should know better are buying into it too. A teacher at my school actually played that bogus "Truth" CD to his class. He's very angry at me for being arrogant enough to watch it (after a week of pestering) and fail to be convinced. I countered by forcing him (and other diehard "Truthers" who wont shut the fuck up) to read the Popular Mechanics article and their assorted quotes from the Society of Civil Engineers Report. You know, actual EXPERTS in physics. That usually shuts them up for a while, but then they slide back into the abyss after a few days. Thanks to Matt for taking on a truly thankless task.
He can gain further popularity by pursuing these nifty ideas as well:
• Lee Harvey Oswald did it alone.
• So did Sirhan Sirhan.
• Crop circles are made by human beings, not aliens.
• The Burmuda Triangle is no more dangerous than Coney Island.
• No one called all the jews and told them to stay home on 9/11
• Vince Foster got depressed and killed himself.
• So did Marylin Monroe.
• Clinton Commerce Secretary Ron Brown died in an accidental plane crash.
• But yeah, Clinton more than likely fucked Jennefer Flowers. Probably lots of times. Maybe he's doing it to her right now.

Otto Schmidlap

Gennifer Flowers is 56, Otto. Now who’s being unrealistic?



I really enjoy your paper. I wanted to ask, though, if you could cite some of your facts more. For one thing, some of the things you say are so completely damning they just make me wonder why no other news source published some completely relevant piece. It's not that I don't beleive you. Usually a google search proves that it was just swept under a rug, and then I want to cry. I am only saying it would help if I didn't have to google it. Secondly, it helps me know when you are joking, since, you know, sometimes I just can't tell. That is kind of sad.
  Thanks again for writing the Beast.

Andrew Gross

Dear Andrew,
Didn’t you get the memo? This is a new era in political debate, Andrew. If you cite a news source, that only enables your opponent to say, “oh, of course, [news source]! That liberal rag! Yeah, real trustworthy, unbiased reporting there!” Seriously, you’re better off just making shit up these days like everyone else.



There are no beast-o-scopes in this issue... What's up with that???

Dear Tina,
We apologize, but BEAST astrologer extraordinaire Andrew Gullerstein was unable to commune with the cosmos last month. Andrew lost power in the October storm like so many others, and was unable to operate his Cosmotron 3000 Electronic Astral Mind Enhancer (it’s actually a Lite Brite we picked up for a dollar at a yard sale, but he doesn’t need to know that). Without it, he’s only able to pick up very vague messages—“Virgo, bipedal locomotion is for you,” stuff like that.



    I recently saw your fake Army Reserve ad and I am disgusted by it. Let's say, for the sake of argument, that the war is wrong. They are still fighting for what they beleive is protecting you and your freedom. Even if you personally beleive the army is a good place to get killed that is your right to think that but...the least you could do is be grateful that they are trying to protect your freedom the best way they know how and the way they beleive is the right way.
     Shame on you sir for spitting on their graves after they died fighting for YOU. Shame on you. Can you justify that? Can you justify mocking someone helping you the best way they know how? Just because it isn't the way you think is right dosn't mean you shouldn't appreciate the gesture and be thankful.
    -Colter Brog, Proud American

Dear Colter,
So it’s our right to think it, just not to say it, is that the gist? Okay then, we’ll try to keep that in mind. And you’re right, really: just because the war in Iraq is a monstrous blunder and a disgrace to our nation, it shouldn’t interfere with our gratitude to the weekend warriors who got rooked into it by a shameless administration. Thanks for clearing that up.



Army of None Poster

Comments: I am as much a critic of the War as anyone. Being a liberal democrat, I have opposed this War on Terror since its inception. My criticism does not extend as far as the soldiers who die in the Iraqi sand though. I understand the aim of the photoshopped poster, and can even grasp the appeal of an such a taboo concept. But, criticism of a war shouldn't go so far as to ridicule the deaths of soldiers. Believe it or not, a lot of these guys (and women) believed in something when they enlisted. A lot of others joined up because otherwise there would be no way for them to go to college. Power to them. And I'm sure a few others just wanted to carry a gun. Either way, they're not the enemy. I don't think you should take it down. Free speach is awesome. Maybe principle alone will make you rethink it if enough people object. Just one guy's opinion. Peace.

Tyler Strickland

Dear Tyler,
Um, just so you know, “principle” is when someone adheres to their belief in the face of withering criticism, not when they cave in. We can see how you’d be confused on that these days, with guys like John Kerry apologizing for things they didn’t even say. Who named you anyway, the writers from “Dawson’s Creek?”



yall are shit not Worthy enough to die yall should suffer i saw the picture of the us army reserve photo with the taged foot people like that know what there geting in to and they do it so you can sit back and make money off of some bullshit website and say they died for nothing so if you feal like defending your self even that it doesnt make a difference because yall are bitches that will just set back while your country goes to war sincerely Army 1st. Lt. Ryan Washington

We agree with you on at least one point: we are definitely not “worthy enough to die.” So tracking us down and killing us, say, would be out of the question.



Hey, my sister started mailing me copies of the Beast when I was stuck in Iraq as an Army journalist last year.  You guys have no idea how good it was to read some truth in the ocean of propaganda that is our military. 
I moved away from Buffalo (for the reason every other smart young person does) to Austin, Texas, and now I'm the president of our College Democrats organization at Texas State University.  Is it possible to get a subscription to the Beast mailed down to Texas?  I know the members of our club would think it's the most insightful paper they've ever read, despite having never been to Buffalo.  Just let me know, I would really like to be able to read them and share them down here in Texas.
Thanks for what you guys do, and lets hope some things can be changed after Tuesday.
Brian Henretta

p.s.- are you guys up on myspace?

Dear Brian,
Yes, we have myspace page, unfortunately. Chris Riordan made it, and wrote the entries in all caps, which is a little embarrassing. Now none of us even look at it, for one very good reason: is so fucking slow it makes us want to smash the skulls of those responsible. Click on a link, wait a minute, and then get a time out error. Click on a different link, time out error. Maybe the next link takes you to a page, but then all the pictures time out. All this on a high speed connection. This is the new big thing? Fuck myspace, we don’t have time for that shit.



I have been reading through your archives over the past couple of weeks and I was wondering, why are your papers getting shorter? Is that that "doing more with less" bullshit I've been hearing about? Actually now that I think about it, this issue had a bunch of much longer articles, but still. Cater to my attention span please.
Mitch Norgan

“But still” what, Mitch? The paper is the same number of pages every time. Longer pieces = fewer links on the website. Don’t really know what we can do about that. Thanks for the hugs and kisses, though, sweetie. Mwah!




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