Sagittarius (Nov 22 - Dec 21)

Why didn’t Bush fire Rumsfeld before the midterm elections, Sagittarius? Because Rumsfeld wouldn’t let him.

Capricorn (Dec 22 - Jan 19)

Capricorn, I have a weird phenomenon happening here: My cat likes Tim Russert. No lie—my cat watches Meet the Press whenever it’s on. She sits right in front of the TV, her face darting back and forth between the various bullshit artists featured. Whenever Russert’s oddly misshapen head appears, she actually reaches toward him, like he’s some ideologically barren demigod and she his devoted worshipper. It’s just plain eerie, Capricorn.

Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)

I like Borat as much as the next guy, Aquarius, but when you ask a stranger in New York if you can buy his clothes and have sex with them, you can’t act all indignant when you get your lights punched out. It’s like boning Pam Anderson and acting surprised about the Hep C.

Pisces (Feb 19-March 20)

We need more civil war jokes, Pisces. I mean, chess set, Ken Burns… what else? There’s only so many chess set/Ken Burns jokes a guy can make before it wears a little thin—2 each, to be precise. Maybe some elaborate Gone with the Wind parody, but that seems like too far to go for the joke to stay funny. Work on it, Pisces. The satire community will thank you.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Make a note, Aries: whenever anybody claims to have read and enjoyed Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, that person is lying. You will know this because anyone who has read the book knows it is tedious, unreadable gibberish by a sociopathic idiot. Carry this wisdom with you, Aries.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Britney Spears is fat, Taurus, and K-Fed is a retard. You can find a couple exactly like them in every other booth at Denny’s. So why are you interested in their foibles? You don’t like her music. His is a joke. What’s wrong with you? Figure it out and get back to me.

Gemini (May 21 -June 20)

What’s that Iraqi investor guy thinking, Gemini? 40 stories is enough space to house every functioning office there is downtown. What happens to the rest of the buildings? I know—let s fill them with baked beans and call it art. Ignore that, national media!

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Did you know, Cancer, that more people were arrested for pot possession in America last year than all other crimes combined? Seriously, Cancer, what the fuck is that? I mean—fuck! How fucking insanely stupid are we as a nation? There’s no joke here, Cancer.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Stop trying to deep fry turkeys, Leo, while you still have some of your original skin left. Jesus Christ, can you eat one damn thing all year that hasn’t been boiled in fat?

Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)

What’s up with the phrase “head over heels,” Virgo? I mean, isn’t your head always over your heels? Wouldn’t “heels over head” make more sense? I just don’t see how it follows: “I’m so in love, I’m standing.”

Libra (Sept 23 -Oct 22)

You’re a jerk, Libra. It’s nothing specific, really; just that elusive jerky quality. Run for office.

Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)

You’re a pathetic, tantrum-throwing bitch, Mayor Scorpio.

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