The Beast Page 3
Featureless Internet Kitsch

Name: Tom

Turn-ons: Blogs, pastel colors, Bloc Party, sushi, ajax applets, takeout menus, metrosexuality, Blue Mountain coffees, overpriced Apple products, eurotrash, web 2.0, riding shotgun in “sporty” SUVs.

Turn-offs: Actual photos of people, cooking, default blog templates,CSS stylesheets less than 5 miles long, riding bitch, Birkenstocks, flickr, leaving the house, answering emails, teacher’s unions, Byron Brown

How I became the Beast Page 3 Featureless Internet Kitsch: My creator sold me off to an old friend of his who ended up back in his provincial hometown (Buffalo) after a few creative stints in some big cities. Now I’m utilized as a weak attempt at corporate branding for a shitty new magazine geared toward a non-existent demographic. I’m also used on some upcoming websites that are supposed to tell confused doofuses what cool shit there is to do in over-gentrified city neighborhoods that will be completely lame within 6 months.

Future Plans: I hope to be sold off to some great company like Google when all the websites I’m used on go under. Then I can go retire somewhere in San Francisco where I can find other faceless relics of internet history to commiserate with. I hope to die a quick death when the terrorists win and cut off America’s energy supplies from the Middle East, rendering the Western Hemisphere severely low on wifi.

How I’d like to be remembered: As a handy tool for uninspired graphic designers who think it’s cool for a newspaper to look “Internetty.”

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