The Vilsack Buzz

continued - page 3

He took a deep breath and traced his shoe on the tile floor. "I'm beginning to worry that something happened to him," he said. "I mean, that was almost twenty-four hours ago. He won't pick up his cell phone. And I don't have any money left. My flight back to Des Moines is out of New York and don't have any way of getting up there, and --"

"Stop," I said. "Just stop."

I leaned over, put my head in my hands, and thought deeply for a moment.

"Okay," I said to Tom Vilsack's buzz. "You almost had me, but no. I refuse to listen to this. I'm just not interested. This is crazy. It's not even Thanksgiving in 2006 yet. I'm not going to spend even one more second thinking about the 2008 elections. Not one second, do you hear me, you asshole? You people are all out of your fucking minds. All of you! Elections in Japan take six weeks! And don't think I don't know you didn't cook up this story just for my benefit. Tom Vilsack's buzz, getting jobbed in an East DC smack deal by an American Enterprise Institute fellow and punched in the eye in an alley by Rudy Giuliani's buzz? That's very clever, but I'm just not listening to it. Okay? It's 2006. I'm going to finish my little post-election wrapup here in Washington, go up to Boston, have turkey with my family, and I'll see all you assholes in sixteen months or so. Okay?"

Tom Vilsack's buzz sagged, looking crestfallen.

"You mean it?" he said. "You really think Irving was in on it?"

"Of course, he was in on -- !" I started to shout. "No. Wait. I don't care. I don't care if he was in on it! I'm just going to back out of this bathroom now. Okay?"

I stood there panting, eyes wild, glaring at him.

"Okay, I hear you," he said finally. "But before you go, can I have the six dollars?"

I squinted.

"Dammit!" I said. "Okay, out of curiosity, what do you need the six dollars for?"

"I figured I'd take a cab across town and try to get a mention in Wonkette," he said plaintively. "Do you think you can help me get into Wonkette?"

I answered without thinking. "You're asking the wrong person. I don't have any traction with Wonkette."

"That's too bad. How about Kos? Do you know anyone who knows Markos Moulitsas? Maybe if I had six dollars, I could go find Markos Moutlitsas."

"Hold on," I said, eyeing him. "Are you Tom Vilsack's buzz -- or are you his Internet buzz?"

"I'm both," he said. "We can't afford separate buzzes. Not yet, anyway."

page 4