Sagittarius (Nov 22 - Dec 21)

On the first day of Christmas, Saggitarius gave to me... An empty PS3 box. So, thank you, Sagittarius, really. The gift you have given me is far more special than a mere top-of-the-line video game console. You see, Sagittarius, by getting mugged for the PS3 while taking it home on the Metro rail, you have saved me the trouble of having my house broken into next week. And isn’t that the true meaning of Christmas?

Capricorn (Dec 22 - Jan 19)

On the second day of Christmas, Capricorn gave to me... A Christmas tree ornament. Yeah, great, so it’s a Christopher Radko original, whoever that is. It’s one of a limited run. It’s highly sought after by collectors. It’s worth a great deal of money. However, this doesn’t change the fact that it’s still a christmas tree ornament. It’s going back into a box, stuffed in the closet, and all but completely forgotten about until next year. And isn’t that the true meaning of Christmas?

Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)

On the third day of Christmas, Aquarius gave to me... An inflatable sheep. Really funny, Aquarius. We’ll see how hard you’re laughing when I blow it up, fill it with mayonnaise, and leave it in your room while you’re in Iowa visiting your parents for a week. And isn’t that the true meaning of Christmas?

Pisces (Feb 19-March 20)

On the fourth day of Christmas, Pisces gave to me... A book of coupons good for 20 free Burger King sandwiches. Which, as it turns out, is “with purchase of a Value Meal.” For the record, that’s an ENTIRE Value Meal, sandwich and all. They only give you a second sandwich with these coupons. And the kicker of it, Pisces... I can barely even finish one of those dirt burgers before the nausea sets in. Next year, consider giving something a little more practical than re-gifted junk mail. After all, isn’t that the true meaning of Christmas?

Aries (March 21-April 19)

On the fifth day of Christmas, Aries gave to me... A new Apple laptop. Wow. This is very nice. Too bad I’ve already seen your death, and it isn’t pretty or quick. But as my gift to you, I’m not going to tell you what kills you, when it happens, or how little money you’ll be leaving your family because you bought an extravagant gift for your astrologer. And isn’t that the true meaning of Christmas?

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

On the sixth day of Christmas, Taurus gave to me... Nothing. Taurus is an athiest hippie.

Gemini (May 21 -June 20)

On the seventh day of Christmas, Gemini gave to me... A word salad. It went something like “A guy with a ski-mask and a big rubber dick playing a washboard with the baby Jesus, because I demanded it. FUCKING CHRISTIAN DYKE!!!” Exactly what organization do I need to donate my life’s savings to, so we can get some more beds at ECMC? Wake up, people! Gemini just interrupted his argument with a “No Standing” sign so he could lob an empty Faygo can at me. Which I’m sure has nothing to do with the true meaning of Christmas.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

On the eighth day of Christmas, Cancer gave to me... Ironically, crabs. Now, normally, I’d be incredibly perturbed to find out that my junk is infested with small parasites. But it’s funny, y’know, because I’m an astrologer, and she’s a Cancer, and the symbol for Cancer is a... Well, it’s funny to me anyways. And isn’t that the true meaning of Christmas?

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

On the ninth day of Christmas, Leo gave to me... A PS3. With no box, no cord, no controller and no instructions. I don’t care if you got it for $200 from a crackhead at the Metro rail station. It’s completely unusable. Actually, wait... Sagittarius got me an empty PS3 box for Christmas after he got mugged by crackheads... And YOU got it from a crackhead for $200... Hmmm... Do you suppose... Of course! We can put the PS3 in the box and return it at Target for like $500 in store credit! And isn’t that the true meaning of Christmas?

Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)

On the tenth day of Christmas, Virgo gave to me... “Deep Six: A Dirk Pitt Adventure,” by Clive Cussler. Yeah, I’m a big fan of the dollar book rack in front of the antique shop on Allen too. But I don’t do my Christmas shopping there for one really good reason: if anyone actually wanted these, they’d just buy them. There’s a reason that rack is always full. You don’t even know what Christmas is, do you?

Libra (Sept 23 -Oct 22)

On the eleventh day of Christmas, Libra gave to me... A donation made in my name to the Make-A-Wish Foundation. Yeah, I guess I appreciate that gift a bit more than, say, the crappy coupon book Pisces gave me, but tell you what... Next year, how about we just get bonus checks instead? We can use those to buy presents for people who we actually know and care about. Like ourselves. And isn’t that the true meaning of Christmas?

Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)

You’re still a pathetic, tantrum-throwing bitch, Mayor Scorpio.

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