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ISSUE #112
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Features

ArrowMcCain's Mutiny
Why "Mr. Integrity" wants the war to drag on
Allan Uthman

ArrowThe Negligents
How to convert ignorance into “skepticism”
Ben Zaitchik

ArrowCivil War?
An oxymoron in one act
Ian Murphy

ArrowBaker-Hamilton Omission Report
Iraq Study Group aims to change perception, not reality
Matt Taibbi

ArrowThe BEAST Holiday Gift Guide
Because you must consume!

ArrowAre YOU a Racist?
Take the BEAST Quiz!

Local BEAST

ArrowAn Important Message from our Fearless Leader
Paul Fallon

Departments

ArrowThe Beast Page 3
Environmental Apocalypse

ArrowKino Korner: Movies
Turistas, Blood Diamond, Unaccompanied Minors, Apocalypto, The Holiday

ArrowBEAST-O-Scopes
As divined by your ethereal guide

Arrow[sic] - Letters
Fiends Like These, Cutler & Run, That's [sic], Osama for your Mama and more

 

Kino Korner

 


Turistas | Blood Diamond | Unaccompanied Minors
Apocalypto | The Holiday


Unaccompanied Minors

Unaccompanied Minors Dear Lewis Black,

I’ve been a half-assed fan of yours since I got real cable over a year ago. I appreciate your angry “we’re mad as hell and we’re not going to take it anymore” sense of humor and my soul has a small, yet powerful mini-orgasm every time I catch The Daily Show and a “Back in Black” segment comes on. Those segments are to me what cheesecake is to The Golden Girls. You tell it like it is, you put these schmucks in their place(s) and there’s a whole legion of us cretinous retards who love you because of it.

Now maybe I’m just catching it on the wrong nights, but I’ve been seeing less and less of you on The Daily Show. There have been a serious amount of paramount fuck ups in not only the world of politics, but the world of entertainment that have required the kind of attention that only you can offer. “Where can he be?” I asked myself. I wondered and wondered, and then I eventually got my answer.

I saw that stupid-ass Accepted movie that you showed up in with that candy ass Mac kid. You showed for all of ten minutes and you played an alcoholic dean or something. I wondered what was up then I forgot all about it because I had to go to the bathroom. Man of the Year shortly followed and considering the subject matter of a Jon Stewartesque talk show host running for president I paid little mind even though the movie wasn’t so hot.

But Unaccompanied Minors? What the fuck, Lewis? You’re playing a caricature of a Scooby Doo villain chasing around a bunch of shithead precocious teenyboppers snowed in an airport during Christmas? With Fez from That ‘70s Show of all people for crissakes! Who sucked your dick to get you to do this movie? Who sucked your fucking dick!? What are you—some closet gambling junkie who’s a short hair away from getting his kneecaps broken and you needed the money? Were you on some LSD bender and watching The Terminal, thinking “I’d really like to do something like this, but more stupid?” You’ve got a wit I would kill even you for and you’re pissing it away by chasing a gang of little kids around an airport like it’s a Benny Hill skit directed by Mark Foley. What are you, Tim Allen now? You’re Tim Allen, Lewis, Tim fucking Allen!

Did you lose a bet? Was the stipulation of your losing that you had to give a defanged performance of a grizzly bear and you can’t have your morning coffee? And you’re Jewish for crissakes! What the hell do you care about a Christmas movie? You don’t see Madonna with all her Kabala bullshit crawling around with a corncob crammed up her ass and slurping on used anal beads singing “Walking in a Winter Wonderland,” do you? Okay, bad example but you get the drift! Does Mel Gibson need another excuse to hate the Jews? Because all I see is you fanning the flames of anti-Semitism with Unaccompanied Minors and you making people hate Christmas even more.

Look, man. I don’t know if the Old Lady kicked you out or what. Maybe you’re not on speaking terms with Jon Stewart anymore, I don’t know and it’s none of my business. But I said this to Jeff Bridges after he did Stick It and I’m saying it to you—if things are really that bad, you can crash at my place. Take as much time as you need to get back on your feet. You better like dogs and you’ve got to take care of dinner every once in a while. We’ve got a new couch and it’s pretty damn comfortable. Don’t fart into the cushions too much and we’ll be fine. Oh, and don’t bring any skanks home. This can’t turn into You, Me and Dupree.

Yours in Christ (for now),

Michael Gildea

 

 

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