The Beast Page 3
Environmental Apocalypse

Name: Plastic

Turn-ons: Permanence, being broken down into microscopic particles, consumption by indiscriminate animals, industry PR brush-offs.

Turn-offs: Biodegradation, British media, leatherback turtles, estuaries, Zappa.

How I got to be The BEAST Page 3 Environmental Apocalypse: Look, you created me, okay? You people made me what I am—a ubiquitous pollutant in all oceans and on the beaches, measured at 300,000 items of me in every .62 miles of sea surface and 100,000 per .62 square miles of seabed. It’s not my fault I don’t biodegrade, or that other ocean pollutants like PCBs accumulate on me. It’s also not my fault that I am not truly inert and that toxic chemicals may leach out of me once I have been consumed by alarming numbers of aquatic species and sea birds. Yep, tiny particles of me can be found in the lowest creatures on the food chain: barnacles, lugworms, and the like. Of course, when these creatures are eaten by others, I’m still there! And when you eat them, guess what?

Future plans: I’m looking forward to being completely disregarded by American news sources in favor of breathless features about large-titted celebrities. Oh, and I’m going to grow bigger and worse, until plastic deposits in human vital organs are considered normal and eating fish is considered an extreme sport. Eventually I will lead to a new generation of species which can digest and incorporate me into their bodies. Think about it: animals with wheels instead of feet! Of course, you’ll all be dead by then.

How I’d like to be remembered: I will always be remembered, because I will always be there. Always. Forever. Long after you and your species are forgotten. Thanks!

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