Beast Banner Dec 14 - Jan 12, 2006
ISSUE #112
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Features

ArrowMcCain's Mutiny
Why "Mr. Integrity" wants the war to drag on
Allan Uthman

ArrowThe Negligents
How to convert ignorance into “skepticism”
Ben Zaitchik

ArrowCivil War?
An oxymoron in one act
Ian Murphy

ArrowBaker-Hamilton Omission Report
Iraq Study Group aims to change perception, not reality
Matt Taibbi

ArrowThe BEAST Holiday Gift Guide
Because you must consume!

ArrowAre YOU a Racist?
Take the BEAST Quiz!

Local BEAST

ArrowAn Important Message from our Fearless Leader
Paul Fallon

Departments

ArrowThe Beast Page 3
Environmental Apocalypse

ArrowKino Korner: Movies
Turistas, Blood Diamond, Unaccompanied Minors, Apocalypto, The Holiday

ArrowBEAST-O-Scopes
As divined by your ethereal guide

Arrow[sic] - Letters
Fiends Like These, Cutler & Run, That's [sic], Osama for your Mama and more

 

The Beast Page 3
Environmental Apocalypse

PlasticName: Plastic

Turn-ons: Permanence, being broken down into microscopic particles, consumption by indiscriminate animals, industry PR brush-offs.

Turn-offs: Biodegradation, British media, leatherback turtles, estuaries, Zappa.

How I got to be The BEAST Page 3 Environmental Apocalypse: Look, you created me, okay? You people made me what I am—a ubiquitous pollutant in all oceans and on the beaches, measured at 300,000 items of me in every .62 miles of sea surface and 100,000 per .62 square miles of seabed. It’s not my fault I don’t biodegrade, or that other ocean pollutants like PCBs accumulate on me. It’s also not my fault that I am not truly inert and that toxic chemicals may leach out of me once I have been consumed by alarming numbers of aquatic species and sea birds. Yep, tiny particles of me can be found in the lowest creatures on the food chain: barnacles, lugworms, and the like. Of course, when these creatures are eaten by others, I’m still there! And when you eat them, guess what?

Future plans: I’m looking forward to being completely disregarded by American news sources in favor of breathless features about large-titted celebrities. Oh, and I’m going to grow bigger and worse, until plastic deposits in human vital organs are considered normal and eating fish is considered an extreme sport. Eventually I will lead to a new generation of species which can digest and incorporate me into their bodies. Think about it: animals with wheels instead of feet! Of course, you’ll all be dead by then.

How I’d like to be remembered: I will always be remembered, because I will always be there. Always. Forever. Long after you and your species are forgotten. Thanks!

 

 

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