Beast Banner Jan 12, 2007
ISSUE #113
Issue 112 Cover Small
Last Issue Archives Blog Comix
Web BEAST Blog
Contact Download PDF RSS Subscribe Advertise Links Sign up and we'll let you know when a new issue is born.

ArrowThe 50 Most Loathsome Americans 2006
Our annual ode to awfulness.

ArrowPower Surge
Bush blows a fuse!
Matt Taibbi

ArrowChattin' with Chomsky
We e-mailed him & he wrote back!

ArrowTaking One for the Tribe
The Times lies & we're having fun.
A. Monkey

ArrowThe Top 5 Talking Points of 2006
A Thoroughly Vetted Countdown with Casey Kasem!

ArrowHussein Clown Posse
Saddam: Well-Hung?
Matt Taibbi


ArrowKino Korner Movie Trailer Reviews


Arrow[sic] - Letters


The Top 5 Most Thoroughly Vetted Talking Points!

with Casey Kasem!

5) Kickin’ off the top of our list, this dogmatic ditty got a lot of miles on the airwaves - and had us Iraq-in’ all the way to the water cooler: “As the Iraqis stand up we shall stand ___________”

a) up also and do things!
b) down.
c) around with our collective dick in our hands and talk about Britney Spears’ fat ass.
d) on top off their heads, perforating their skulls with our golf cleats.
e) – I haven’t been able to stand since my last tour of Baghdad.

4) This doozie came on strong in December and is still enjoying ad naseum repetition without a hint of irony: “Iran is having a __________________ effect on Iraq.”

a) wicked awesome
b) post office
c) definitely not a ‘post office effect,’ but some kind of effect, like a sticky, slimy, icky… no, um, uh, oh… oh… OH! RUN MOTHERFUCKER! TOUCHDOWN! WOOOOO! Yay! Okay, what?
d) destabilizing
e) relatively minuscule (You know, compared to what we’re doing.)

3) Tapping into Pop-America’s fear of the ‘other,’ this biggoty-boppin’ tune can be heard nightly on “Hard Ball with Chris Matthews.”:  “Is America ready for its first __________ president?”

a) black
b) woman
c) soy
d) psychotic machete wielding
e) both (a) and (b), possibly (d) but never (c) and (a)

2) Based on a number originally recorded in Lou Dobb’s basement with the late great Mamma Cass - this catchy xenophobic number had ‘em all buildin’ a wall down south: “America must fix its ____________ borders.”

a) porous
b) MILF magnet
c) broken
d) oh my god, did you hear what that rich douche said about that redundantly ugly lesbian
e) – wait what was (b)? Cause me and some bros are headed down south for spring break, bro, and like yo, bro could you like get me some directions and shit, bro?! Seriously, bro.

5) And who could forget – at the countdown’s number one spot  - this bit of popular pabulum that’s had us all swingin’ in lockstep since its debute release as a b-side to “Mission Accomplished.”:  “We need to make decisions in Iraq based on _______________ on the ground.”

a) Wolf Blitzer’s assumptions
b) the facts
c) the boots – but only if their size 10 d) the number of mutilated children
e) the ground?! Fuck the ground! A helicopter or predator drone would be able to give us a much better perspective. I’m just sayin’



Banner 10000035button

Banner button



send your ill-informed ravings to us here
Affiliate Sponsors
MotoSport, Inc.|Netflix DVD Rentals. NO LATE FEES; Free Shipping. Try for FREE! | | Direct2Drive
T-Shirts only $14.99 when you buy 3 or more at | | LinkShare Referral Prg
Popular Favorites from the Archive

© Copyright 2002-2007 The Beast. All rights reserved.