Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19)
You will need to make a few new friends and buy a new couch the day after you consume one of every item on the Taco Bell value menu.
Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)
Your wife will file for divorce after you refuse to give up your Val Kilmer memorabilia room so you 12-year-old son doesn’t have to room with his sister anymore.
Pisces (Feb 19-March 20)
The exotic thrill of your new pet monkey begins to wear off when it has a shit-throwing fit at your daughter’s communion party.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Your obsession with Brian Kilmeade of “Fox & Friends” will develop into full-blown stalking dementia, culminating in a vicious stabbing on live TV. Charges will be dropped when you are hailed as a national hero.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Your husband has a screaming fit because he is struggling to pay the gas bill and you just won’t stop buying fucking shoes.
Gemini (May 21 –June 20)
During a hemorrhoid treatment, your doctor will remove a jumbo-sized burnt umber Crayola crayon from your ass. You will honestly have no idea how it got there.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
You will have an epiphany after watching a seven-day M*A*S*H marathon and set out to kill Gary Burghoff.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
During a long awaited trip to Vermont you will have the best milkshake of your life; shortly thereafter you will discover that you are severely lactose intolerant.
Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)
Your life will be forever changed after you find out the woman you have been having crude and explicit cyber-sex with is in fact your 17 year-old daughter.
Libra (Sept 23 –Oct 22)
You will be declared functionally retarded after the brain damage you suffer accepting a dare to watch every Martin Lawrence film.
Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)
You will be hospitalized for three weeks due to food poisoning you receive from that two-week-old chicken salad that you said “smells ok.”
Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21)
Your friends begin to question your sexuality after discovering your multi-volume YouTube Diary.
send your ill-informed ravings to us here
|MotoSport, Inc.|Netflix DVD Rentals. NO LATE FEES; Free Shipping. Try for FREE! | music123.com | Direct2Drive
T-Shirts only $14.99 when you buy 3 or more at CCS.com | Shutterfly.com | LinkShare Referral Prg
|Popular Favorites from the Archive|
Copyright 2002-2007 The Beast. All rights reserved.