Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19)

You will need to make a few new friends and buy a new couch the day after you consume one of every item on the Taco Bell value menu.

Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)

Your wife will file for divorce after you refuse to give up your Val Kilmer memorabilia room so you 12-year-old son doesn’t have to room with his sister anymore.

Pisces (Feb 19-March 20)

The exotic thrill of your new pet monkey begins to wear off when it has a shit-throwing fit at your daughter’s communion party.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Your obsession with Brian Kilmeade of “Fox & Friends” will develop into full-blown stalking dementia, culminating in a vicious stabbing on live TV. Charges will be dropped when you are hailed as a national hero.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Your husband has a screaming fit because he is struggling to pay the gas bill and you just won’t stop buying fucking shoes.

Gemini (May 21 –June 20)

During a hemorrhoid treatment, your doctor will remove a jumbo-sized burnt umber Crayola crayon from your ass. You will honestly have no idea how it got there.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

You will have an epiphany after watching a seven-day M*A*S*H marathon and set out to kill Gary Burghoff.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

During a long awaited trip to Vermont you will have the best milkshake of your life; shortly thereafter you will discover that you are severely lactose intolerant.

Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)

Your life will be forever changed after you find out the woman you have been having crude and explicit cyber-sex with is in fact your 17 year-old daughter.

Libra (Sept 23 –Oct 22)

You will be declared functionally retarded after the brain damage you suffer accepting a dare to watch every Martin Lawrence film.

Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)

You will be hospitalized for three weeks due to food poisoning you receive from that two-week-old chicken salad that you said “smells ok.”

Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21)

Your friends begin to question your sexuality after discovering your multi-volume YouTube Diary.