Beast Banner Jan 12, 2007
ISSUE #113
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Features

ArrowThe 50 Most Loathsome Americans 2006
Our annual ode to awfulness.

ArrowPower Surge
Bush blows a fuse!
Matt Taibbi

ArrowChattin' with Chomsky
We e-mailed him & he wrote back!

ArrowTaking One for the Tribe
The Times lies & we're having fun.
A. Monkey

ArrowThe Top 5 Talking Points of 2006
A Thoroughly Vetted Countdown with Casey Kasem!

ArrowHussein Clown Posse
Saddam: Well-Hung?
Matt Taibbi

Departments

ArrowKino Korner Movie Trailer Reviews

ArrowBEAST-O-Scopes

Arrow[sic] - Letters

 

Professor Douchebeard, PhD.

just wanted to say you liberal sons of bitches can suck my dick and die.  you want us to stop fighing the war?  hmm, wonder what would happen you fucking pussies.  could it be.. oh i dont know... terrorists would walk  all over us?  you think 9-11 was "ok" and we should just let that slide right?  suuree.. they didndt mean anything by that.  it was probs an accident. FUCK YOU!

Dear Fan,

We appreciate your well reasoned and articulate letter of gratitude. Your prose encapsulates the current global situation better than we ever could have hoped to. And for that we thank you tenderly. We regret to inform you however, we will be unable to suck your dick at this juncture, due to a previous engagement we have traveling back in time to abort you with a rusty hanger, like Lord Jesus wanted. Thanks again for the latent homosexual support, and don’t forget to subscribe!

Wild Accusations

You guys are fucking freaks!

Go suck a Fat Cock and get out of america if you Do not like it.

Todd Michael

Dear Mr. Michael,

We can assure you, we are not freaks, as your letter irresponsibly claims. It is a fact that we have broken off contact with all bearded ladies, human torsos, pinheads and conjoined twins we associated with before our successful separation surgery. Your accusations are tantamount to libel, sir. After we sue you for this malicious impugning of our character, perhaps we’ll have enough money to travel, as you suggest.

What Article?

This article is the reason I love your paper.  Well researched, well written, funny, and true - things that most nwspapers that actually make money forgo.  Someday I would love to see something that I wrote in your paper, but that would probably be in a few years, if ever.

                           Pat

Dear Pat,

We’re the first to admit that deadline panic can render the best of us intellectually impotent. But if it’s going to take you a “few years” to write a thousand words: yeah, you should probably just forget about it, loser.

Oregon Trail

wow!! i love shrooms. and having just finished reading 'a piece of blue sky' and being hungry for more, i found this article [Ian Murphy, “Cult Classic,” issue #110]. delightful.. i just dont understand how we're all not dead from pneumonia after learning OT3!!!  :)

Mike Russo

Dear Mike,

Dog, we got some bad news: we just got back from the doctor’s and it looks pretty serious, he said, he said… oh this is harder than we thought it would be… we might have the pneumonia. Luckily we’re not pioneer infants so we should be fine. Are you a pioneer infant, Mike? That’s a rough gig.

Downer Syndrome

Mccain should have been court-martialed under article 105 of UCMJ when he returned to US..for "giving aid and comfort to the enemy" regarding his conduct when a prisoner. He cooperated with them to save himself, got better treatment, a "comfort woman" to stay with him. info was in american legion magazine few years ago, and referenced interview he gave to redbook magazine in 1978 about his conduct. He was supposed to tell his captors only 3 things -name,rank and service #..he went beyond that. has any other POW ever made 7 return trips to 'Nam as he has?? The wife that stuck by him had an accident and ended up an invalid, so he dumped her and married a gal young enough to be his daughter - besides marrying into one of the richest families in AZ

Jim Downer

Dear Jim,

We’d have told them little yella’ bastards damn near anything to get a “comfort woman,” or any other kind of woman for that matter. We’re not picky. And, uh, marrying a taut young woman of wealth… how awful. Dude, that’s what you’re supposed to do. For a list of good reasons to hate McCain, read this magazine. Hope that helps, Jim.

This Fucking Guy

I just love our new warm temperatures. To hell with snow and the skiers. Snow causes car accidents and people die from shoveling the nasty stuff.

  Warmer weather saves us money because we use less fuel oil and gas to heat our homes, which decreases the amount of junk we put in our atmosphere.

  The growing seasons will be longer. Great.

  The 'greenies' worry about the Polar bear. What has a polar bear done for me, or you. Let them adapt and move on.

  Things were going extinct long before man was around. The water levels may not rise up as high as predicted. If the polar ice caps are floating on top of water and they melt, the oceans should not rise. Just think of your drink with ice in it. Does it overflow when the nice melts? NO!

  Less money to pay National Fuel gas. Thank you.

  James Ziolkowski

Dear James,

One time we had one of them Big Gulps in our freezer, you know, one of the big 96 ounce jobbers. Anyway, James, the frost on the freezer steadily fell on top of the ice already in the container, sort of like precipitation. After a few months we extracted what had become a fifteen pound block of ice, the bulk of the ice extending far upward of the plastic rim. Needless to say, when it melted there was water and Mountain Dew all over the fucking place. Get it? No? Stop writing us and die!

Axle Woes

How does a company like American Axle dump 4,000 good paying jobs and sneak out of buffalo and no one in the Union or Government say anything about it?  Ford lays off 400 people and the media freaks. Just for statstics fun, check out local 424's last LM-2 and the article concerning 600 AAM employees taking the buy out. There were 3000 employees at the Buffalo Axle Plant alone in the begining of 2006..the news reported that there are currently 1,200 employed at 3 plants in wny...half took the buy-out!!

Lloyd Overfield

Dear Lloyd,

To answer your question: we would have to say utter laziness.

Touché

look if it wasnt for the military you wouldn't have the freedom to make a website like this you peice of shit.

Dear Admirer,

You bring up a good point, unintentionally, we are sure. In the ‘50s, as a response to perceived cold war threats, the DoD was largely influential in developing the data processing technology that would grow into the Internet we all know, love and masturbate to. Oh, that and they also supply us with all our tanks. You know… the tanks we use to update the website. But did you know we’re also a print magazine? Order your subscription today, and an extra one for those website-deprived Swedes!

Perceptive

oh uthman you are so smart and you see through everyone and everyone else is wrong about why everyone else does eveything they do

Dear jealous man whose idiotic core beliefs have been shaken,

Yes, this is entirely true.

Double Entendre On Ya’!

Good piece. I'll be sending it around.

Dear You,

“That’s what your mom’s pimp said.” [Rimshot!]

Snopes’ Monkey Style

With the current fear about Sen Johnson's illness losing the Senate to the Republicans, I was brought up short, once again, by the realization that we will have to beat back the forces of ignorance and corruption constantly and forever. I thought a few years ago, naively I suppose, that like the Civil Rights movement's broad success, we had reached a consensus on superstition vs science in the public arena. With the ghost of Reagan hovering over us, and the rise of Snopesism in the Republican party, I fear the battle will never end.

cheers,

John

Dear John,

Snopes? You don’t say! We haven’t seen that old sot since our days buggering unsuspecting cattle. Seriously, John, drop the Faulkner references. Flem Snopes is a classic literary character embodying all the base, amoral lust for power and contempt for humanity typical of modern Republicans, but sorry buddy; it just doesn’t sell magazines. Try something relatable like Uncle Tex from the “The Flinstones” or Mr. Cogswell from the “Jetsons.” You know that “Jetsons” episode where Judy is in a band? Oh it’s a great one, “Ep Op Orc Ah Ah!” We love that one. Anyway, what the hell we’re we talking about? Right, Senator Johnson: If his current level of fundraising can be any indicator, we’d say he’s doin’ fine.

Clean Up On Aisle 5

Someone has taken tons of your magazine, and littered the whole intersection of Allen and Elmwood. There is paper all over the place.

we try to keep our propertiesclean and un littered. Please have someone come by and pick up all the mess. I have tried to pick up everything on my property this morning but the papers continue to be blown around.

Thank you

Liz Kolken

Dear Liz,

Those were the days, Liz. Free BEASTs littering the streets for all to walk over, glance down and laugh. Makes us weep a little to think those are days gone by. Of course this shouldn’t stop any wealthy benefactors who may be reading to order hundreds, nay thousands of subscriptions and dump them all over the streets. You may be fined but what do you care? You’re rich, and you’ve got a message to send!

Sorry, No

THANK YOU, somebody else walked out of Syrianna.  Aside from the George Clooney torture scene (and Clooney's character in general), that movie was a piece of shit. I walked out of a test screening for it out here in LA.  Nobody except seemingly Steven Soderbergh and the two Anderson's (PT and Wes) can pull off any kind of ensemble movie whatsoever.

By the way, I admire your reviews very much. -  Luke

Dear Luke,

We hate to do this to you Luke, so we’ll try to be gentle. Here’s what Gildea says about Syriana in his review for Blood Diamond, which you’re responding to: “With a political thriller, you face a tightrope walk between conscience and entertainment. Some, like Syriana and Traffic, have pulled it off in spades and others have failed miserably.” He goes on to say, “When I walked out of Syriana, I was ashamed to live in this country for a few hours. After Blood Diamond, I just kind of said “that blowsto myself, went home and took a dump.” You may admire Mike’s reviews, but you clearly don’t comprehend them. Now you must suffer the red-faced revelation of an Amish man who suddenly realizes he’s hanging out with Mennonites. Ach!

Nailing McCain

Thanks, Allen, Uthman, for your recent column on Sen. John McCain (that I read on www.truthout.com).  You nailed the man.  He has spoken with a forked tongue for years in the service of his presidential ambition.

Holly Hilden

Green Valley, AZ

Dear Holly,

We have received unconfirmed reports that reading liberal websites like Truthout and Alternet may cause you to contract eye cooties. Our recommendation is a subscription to The BEAST.

Enemy in our Midst

Dear Mr. Uthman,

First, thank you for a website that actually has a conscience (and not the only one). I read 2 of your articles on alternet, one about the impending police state, the other about John McCain. It's a rare moment to read someone who actually writes, in an intelligent & informed way, just what I was thinking. I'm living in pro-Katherine Harris (yes, it's true) county NW, FL, where all you need to convince the entire county to vote as one bloc is one man saying "It's the right thing ta dooo." And where I found, to my horror, at the local polls on election day, large numbers of people in the parking lot with cell phones calling their church(es) to ask who to vote for --- and how to spell the name, and what was that for? Why does the gov'ner have a lieutenant? And where someone with my last name, or something similar, can get picked up by a terrorist task force of 7 squad cars for saying to a store clerk, "Have a happy 4th..." Who can blame them? The terror level was, I believe, magenta. First question in interview, brilliantly: "Have you ever taken lessons at the Milton Airfield?" Gotta watch those airfields, bro.

E. Hassan

Dear Freedom-hater,

Hey, no problem. Don’t forget, the package is in locker 3F at the bus station.

Another Issue, Another Schizo

I’m “Terry J. Hokanson.” A U.S. born engineer, living under a deadly copyright and patent theft ring that looks an awful lot like the Florida, Polk County Sheriff’s Department running a St. Valentines Day Massacre operation.

Since no one bothered to arrest me and charge me for a crime greater than possession of a marijuana cigarette, back in the 1970’s  -when the expensive furniture designs I was working on disappeared as the Florida, Miami Dade Sheriff’s Department cuffed my hands behind my back, leaned my head out of a police car and beat me about the head with a night stick, behind a billion dollar a year furniture store chain- it’s hard to believe a police surveillance crew was allowed to knock me down and conduct a long term strip search on me without at least railroading me through a serious felony conviction.

I need to support myself. Since my previous business plans, to generate well over a million dollars a year for myself, were intentionally choked off as fraudulent police files and death threats are whispered in my ear, I’m forced to go public with my huge energy conservation project. Of course, the whole idea behind muckraking me under these hooded police SWAT team, extortion and murder games is to produce an extremely low budget version of “Howard Hughes,” who developed biological warfare voices in his head that not only turned him into a neurotic recluse but also made his finances easy to manipulate on many levels.

Doubling The Worlds Oil Supply

For the northern regions of this planet, I have a design for a combination home heating system and electric generator that will cut home fuel bills by as much as seventy five percent. On the transportation front, an advanced version of this basic design will power a hybrid automobile while achieving a hundred miles per gallon of gasoline, while just as easily burning hydrogen, bio-diesel and other alternative fuel sources.

Since there’s talk of curbing global warming by first adding hydrogen to all the U.S. gas pumps, and then eventually fazing out gasoline sales altogether.  And electricity separates hydrogen from water. My small footprint, hybrid generator designs will easily produce all the hydrogen every corner gas station on the planet can sell. Of course, until alternatives such as 'Hydrogen Producing Algae' are perfected, this gas station fad would involve burning the cheapest fuel the oil companies can produce, while completely filtering undesirable exhaust emissions by employing industrial strength CO2 scrubbers which produce air quality that no government, automotive 'Catalytic Converter' legislation can possibly achieve.

Sincerely,

Terry J. Hokanson

Dear Terry,

Oh, come on. You’re just another paranoid schizophrenic. It’s entertaining and all, but you should really try taking the pills. After all, why would we lie? It’s not like we’re just a double agent for the global anti-Hokanson conspiracy to prevent you from becoming rich with your brilliant designs and make you think you’re crazy. Because, you know, that’d be a silly thing to think. Especially if you know what’s good for you. Just take the damn pills, Terry, and nobody has to get hurt, okay?

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