Beast Banner March 2007
ISSUE #114
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Features

ArrowSchlep Boys
Failing forward in one act

Allan Uthman

ArrowThe Britney Budget
Matt Taibbi

ArrowEeny, Meeny, Miny, Moe
Blogger and journalist Brad Friedman of The Brad Blog on the hijacking of democracy and more

ArrowObama
The best BS artist since Slick Willy

Matt Taibbi

ArrowSweet Nothings
Lies my paper told me

Allan Uthman

ArrowMenace in Seat 36F
Based on a True Story

Michael J. Smith

ArrowBEAST gets poetic on dat ass!
Saul Williams schools us on Hip Hop and our choice of lunch

ArrowCelebrity Buttholes Will Be the End of Us
A. Monkey

ArrowThe BEAST Melanin / Electability Index

ArrowThe Truth Spin
Sometimes, honesty really is the best policy

Allan Uthman

ArrowTV Highlights
CBSs Numb3rs signals the end of the end of the American Empire

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

Departments
ArrowKino Korner: Movies
The Abandoned, Wild Hogs, The Number 23, Zodiac, Reno 911!: Miami, Amazing Grace, Black Snake Moan, Shooter, The Astronaut Farmer, Inland Empire

ArrowBEAST-O-Scopes
As divined by your ethereal guide

Arrow[sic] - Letters
The Pussy of the Christ, How Great We Art, Dumb Shit, PhD, All You Need is Loathe and more

 

Beast-O-Scopes


Pisces (Feb 19-March 20)

Pisces

Pisces, nice craigslist ad in “casual encounters.” I really like how you cropped your wife and son out of the photo you uploaded you asshole.

 


Aries (March 21-April 19)

Aires

Aries, just a word of advice. When filling out a job application “Crack Whore” should not be listed under previous employment. Especially with a multi-year span.


Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Taurus

Taurus, please stop referring to you daughter as “my little tax deduction.”



Gemini (May 21 -June 20)

Gemini

Gemini, put the pen down right now. Look down and realize you are creating an American Idol pool for your office. Look up and realize you’re watching American Idol. Now calm down, it’s going to be ok. Let’s start with a good shower.


Cancer (June 21-July 22)

CancerCancer, you know that little nagging voice you’ve been hearing in the back of your head, warning you about the people you hang out with? Well it’s called Schizophrenia and you had better see a doctor before you start stabbing people.

 


Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Leo

Leo, take a little dating advice from the stars. The next time you get a chance to go on a date, don’t wear the “Beaver Patrol” t-shirt and ask how she likes her eggs before you even get to the restaurant. If you even call Arby’s a restaurant.

 


Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)

Virgo

Virgo, it wasn’t hemmorroids you woke up with this morning and yes you’re wearing lipstick.

 

 


Libra (Sept 23 -Oct 22)

Libra

Libra, You will make medical history when during your chest scan doctors find an entire sausage from your Denny’s Mega Meat Lovers breakfast jammed in your aorta.

 


Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)

Scorpio

Scorpio, throw your hat into the ring and announce you might be the Father of Anna-Nicole’s baby. Hell, you’ve got just as much chance of winning as the other three bottom-feeders in addition to a two-page spread in Star Magazine.

 


Sagittarius (Nov 22 - Dec 21)

Sagittarius

Sagittarius, I don’t know what is worse, you having sex with the dog piñata or your blaming it on the don piñata.

 

 


Capricorn (Dec 22 - Jan 19)

Capricorn

Capricorn, the next time you come from lunch break with the bag of tacos you cubemate is going to kill you with a tape dispenser.

 


Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)

Aquarius

Aquarius, please stop complaining about your lack of privacy. You knew you address and photo were going into that “registered sex offender” newsletter and still you chose to move across the street from a school.

 

 

register your indignation here

 

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