Pisces (Feb 19-March 20)

Pisces, nice craigslist ad in “casual encounters.” I really like how you cropped your wife and son out of the photo you uploaded you asshole.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Aries, just a word of advice. When filling out a job application “Crack Whore” should not be listed under previous employment. Especially with a multi-year span.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Taurus, please stop referring to you daughter as “my little tax deduction.”

Gemini (May 21 -June 20)

Gemini, put the pen down right now. Look down and realize you are creating an American Idol pool for your office. Look up and realize you’re watching American Idol. Now calm down, it’s going to be ok. Let’s start with a good shower.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Cancer, you know that little nagging voice you’ve been hearing in the back of your head, warning you about the people you hang out with? Well it’s called Schizophrenia and you had better see a doctor before you start stabbing people.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Leo, take a little dating advice from the stars. The next time you get a chance to go on a date, don’t wear the “Beaver Patrol” t-shirt and ask how she likes her eggs before you even get to the restaurant. If you even call Arby’s a restaurant.

Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)

Virgo, it wasn’t hemmorroids you woke up with this morning and yes you’re wearing lipstick.

Libra (Sept 23 -Oct 22)

Libra, You will make medical history when during your chest scan doctors find an entire sausage from your Denny’s Mega Meat Lovers breakfast jammed in your aorta.

Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)

Scorpio, throw your hat into the ring and announce you might be the Father of Anna-Nicole’s baby. Hell, you’ve got just as much chance of winning as the other three bottom-feeders in addition to a two-page spread in Star Magazine.

Sagittarius (Nov 22 - Dec 21)

Sagittarius, I don’t know what is worse, you having sex with the dog piñata or your blaming it on the don piñata.

Capricorn (Dec 22 - Jan 19)

Capricorn, the next time you come from lunch break with the bag of tacos you cubemate is going to kill you with a tape dispenser.

Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)

Aquarius, please stop complaining about your lack of privacy. You knew you address and photo were going into that “registered sex offender” newsletter and still you chose to move across the street from a school.

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